The indiesphere is in shambles today, mourning the loss of the First couple of indie rock. We might never know WHY Ben and Zooey broke up, but we can make a series of informed guesses, lies, and conspiracy theories that project ourselves into their lives' and openly speculate abt why they broke up. We just want to know 'Why?' so that one day, when we are in relevant relationships, we won't make the same mistakes.
Why did Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard breakup/'divorce'/separate?
a) bc she was 2 prettie 4 him
b) bc she was 2 famous 4 him
c) bc they had changed on the inside
d) bc he never got over his emo past
e) bc all he did was sit around watching baseball and he never mowed the lawn or brought in the groceries
f) bc 'indie' had changed and they both got too commercial
g) bc he wanted to get back to his authentic songwriting roots
h) bc they wanted to let Win Butler and Regine Chassagne 'take over' as the reigning King and Queen of Mindie Rock
i) bc his vibe was s00 Seattle and she was all LA
j) she had deep emotional issues that required professional help, and Ben only served as an enabler to these problems
k) bc he had deeply rooted emotional problems that required professional help, and took out his darkness on ZoZo
l) he drank directly out of the milk carton
m) they never got comfy enough 2 'fart' around eachother
n) She always left the toilet seat up
o) Ben wanted kids to inspire a new wave of feel-good children's vibey music, she wanted a career and didn't want to harvest an indie child in her womb
p) They didn't sign a prenup, so Ben wanted to take 'half of her assets' while she was hot
q) Zooey cheated on him with M. Ward
r) Ben was jealous of her acting career after many failed attempts to break into Hollywood on his own
s) He got tired of looking into her blue eyes
t) they didn't own a dishwasher, so Ben ended up doing the dishes all of the time
u) Ben never got 'guy time', and she would all be like 'I totally wanna hang with ur bros' but then when he invited her she was all like 'UGH U NEVER SPEND TIME WITH ME AND UR FRIENDS HATE ME'
v) After going to relationship counseling for a year, they came to the conclusion that they still loved eachother, but just needed space
w) Zooey was sad that he never restarted the Postal Service bc it was way better than any Death Cabs
x) He told her that he hated her content farm (Hello Giggles) because it felt like she was running a 'sweatshop' of jappy tweens who though their opinions mattered, even though they were just dumping them on to the internet for people to mock and belittle
y) He liked frozen yogurt and she liked ice cream so they could never agree on an after-dinner snack.
z) She had sleep apnea/a snoring problem, and they had been sleeping apart for a long time, eventually causing them to lose their intimacy vibes
aa) Choose ur own response
Why do ppl breakup?
Why do indie couples breakup?
Do they have more important problems than 'normal ppl'/'normal relationships', or do they have the same issues as commonfolk?
Who is the new King & Queen of Indie?
Do u miss Ben & Zooey?
Who r u more concerned abt: Ben or Zooey?
Recently, Kim Kardashian broke up with Kris Humphries. Recently, Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore got divorced. It seems like all relationships are ending, which is why no1 is surprised that Deathcab for Cutie frontman Benjamin Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel are 'effing over.' Splitsville. Dunzo. Love WILL NOT keep them 2gether.
Not sure if every1 saw this coming 'from a mile away.' Ben Gibbard's music has admittedly suffered in the Deschanel era. Zooey has become 'obsessed with fame', launching a content farm called Hello Giggles AND a Fox bro-comedy TV series "New Girl." There's no way they had time 2 spend with one another, especially because of the baseball playoffs, which Ben Gibbard enjoys watching. U sorta have to feel bad for the indie bro at Gibbard's heart, but at the same time, u think 'Maybe his songwriting will recover.' I wonder how he feels being in the center of this 'massive celebrity breakup.'
"It was mutual and amicable," a source adds. "There was no third party involved."
is this a sad day 4 indie, or will we just get to watch Zooey Deschanel date some1 'more famous' 2 help her career?
Did Ben Gibbard 'look famous' enough 4 Zooey?
Why didn't this work?
Who can we blame?
Can we blame blogs, Lana Del Rey, the death of indie, or the mainstreamification of indie?
Did Zooey Deschanel 'pull a Lana Del Rey' on Ben Gibbard's heart, 'using' his indie cred to piggyback him in2 mainstream markets?
Do u think Ben Gibbard's life feels like the crappy indie film '500 Days of Summer'?
Was this doomed from the start?
Was Zooey D 'more in2' husky Ben Gibbard, and now that he is skinnie, she doesn't vibe?
Did Zooey Deschanel just do this to promote She & Him's Christmas albums?
Will Ben Gibbard start going on 'pizza and beer benders' again? [link]
Who do u blame?
R u on #TeamBen or #TeamZooey?
Will Zooey continue 2 get 'more famous'?
Will DCFC rediscover their vintage sounds of sad vibes?
Did u 'see this coming from the start'?
R u sad abt this?
Were they 'in it 4 the right reasons'?
R u sad?
Why was this relaish doomed?
Is this good 4 their careers?
Were they ever an alt couple, or a mindie/mainstream couple?
Which alternative celebrity couple is next 2 breakup?
Yesterday was a popular awards show called 'The Grammys.' From what I understand, this awards system is supposed to 'award' the best music of the year. It seems like it is some sort of 'system to perpetuate the popularity + album sales of the same artists/labels/bands/etc.'
As I have read alternative coverage of the Grammys/all mainstream award shows, it seems like these are the 'prevalent themes.'
Indie music 'has arrived.'
The Grammys aren't 'honoring' the 'best' indie music
Indie music has been 'stolen' from 'us' and
__________ (mnstrm artist) sux
The Grammys are 'irrelevant bullshit'
Phoenix won 'Best Alternative Music Album.' Not sure what that award title means/who was in the category. I feel like maybe the French bros in Phoenix didn't realize that Americans 'get dressed up' for our awards shows. Maybe they thought it was an MTV/Nickelodeon kidz award show.
Kings of Leon won 3 Grammys for their hit song "Use Somebody", confirming that it is the vulnerable mnstrm anthem of the year/decade/century. I think they are in the genre of rock, since their award titles were 'Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group', 'Best Rock Song' and the prestigious 'Record Of The Year'.
MGMT also went to the Grammys, but they were sort of just 'nominated' and probably just looked like a 'zany one hit wonder band' to mainstreamers.
I think they also gave Stephen Colbert a Grammy just to 'get more hits/coverage.'
Here is more coverage of 'mainstream pop culture' at the Grammys.
I think this is the broad from the popular MTV show 'Jersey Shore.' I am not sure if she won a Grammy, or if she is just there for being Macrofamous.
This is apparently her live-in boyfriend, The Situation. Wonder if that show was a 'mainstream hit' or just another 'micro-sensation' like The Office.
The middle Jonas brother tries 2 'look alt' by growing strategic facial scruff + putting on sillie framed glasses.
Apparently the post-tween Jonas Brother married a guidette after the 'Jersey Shore' wave of 2k9k10. Seems ill-advised, like the same as 'marrying a pog/beanie babie/digipet.'
Popular American Idol homosexual sensation Adam Lambert.
Unpopular American Idol nonsensation Justin Guarini.
I think this crazy African American man was there because he was created as an 'off beat' character by the popular Fox TV show American Idol. Sort of like the 'Negro William Hung.'
I think the Black Eyed Peas are the last remaining soldiers in the Electro War. Like a lost group of fighters who no1 told that the war is over, but they are still on the Battlefield.
Apparently Lady Gaga had some performance with Sir Elton John.
It seems like you 'have to invite her' to any award show for the next 50 years, just to see her wear something zany.
Wonder how she transports her costumes. Suitcases? Rubermaid containers?
Popular Bro Comedy superstars from the Andy Samberg Lonely Island Viral Video Productions Centre.
I think Taylor Swift still thinks that 'awards are real.' She seems proud. As time moves forward, more people will 'sympathize' with Kanye West, sort of like the Kobe Vs. Shaq feud.
I think the Grammys is an opportunity for Cool Dads to bond with their kids.
Or for Cool Dads to just have a 'bros night out.'
Does n e 1 know if Musicians get Dental Insurance, or do they just cover their teeth with blingee jewels?
You might know popular actor Ben Gibbard from his best selling album Twilight Soundtrack EP, or even from his most successful band, The Postal Service. What you don't know is that he is also an actor. You're probably used to seeing him on MTV, carrying the torch 4 indie music towards the mainstream...but now, he's doin something new, artistic, and interesting. Here is a video of him acting.
Video may not be viewable in RSS reader// via Stereogums
It seems like he plays a 'snarky' character who is above society. Like a guy who 'curses' and 'makes a scene' in a group of ppl. I don't really understand what is happening, but he does appear to be 'acting.' Don't know how to tell if he is doing a good or bad job. Have honestly only really seen him singing Death Cab for Cutie songs.
From what I have read, this is some indie film directed by some guy in the popular TV Show 'The Office.'
Apparently, this is "John Krasinski's" passion project, since he adapted David Foster Wallace short stories into some indie film called Brief Interviews With Hideous Men. Have never read David Foster Wallace, but heard he is 'a genius.' Only heard abt him because he killed himself. Not sure if 'suicide' is an effective marketing tool. Some people might say that his 'pain' was complex and worth reading, but the hopeful part of me thinks reading DFW might mean I support 'giving up on life.' Think the main problem is that I don't read books, so maybe if he was alive and had a bloggable blog, I would read him.
I wonder why Benjamin Gibbard 'got the acting bug.' Maybe he was a creative drama kid in high school. Seems likely that since he married a famous actress, Zooey Deschanel, he thought that he acquired her skills in the marriage.
From what I understand, Zooey Gibbard-Deschanel is attempting to 'be a singer' now that she has married an indie rock legend. I am not sure if relationships work this way. I don't think that your skills 'automatically transfer' to ur mate. If some1 married Carles, would he or she automatically become a culturally relevant blogger, or would they be 'not taken seriously' and appear to be 'riding Carlesz coattails' towards relevancy. Actually wish it worked this way, then I would marry LeBron James and 'ball over all' in the N.B.A./possibly a member of Animal Collective.
Do yall think Benjamin Gibbard is a good actor?
Can musicians act? Can actors make good music?
Was Ben Gibbard 'exploited' as a marketing tool 4 this movie?
Are movies as good as books/writings?
Did TheOfficeBro only cast Ben Gibbard bc he looked like that 1 zany did in The Office?
Is Benjamin Gibbard weakening his brand, or taking it 2 the next level?
What's ur fave 'Deathcab' song of all time?
Carles just saw a picture of a regular person who looks like she is a famouser person than she actually is. Help Carles determine who this broad looks like...
Yall... I can't put my finger on who exactly she looks like.
Here are some hints:
- She is the lead singer of a popular 8bit electro bloghouse band
- She was featured in an iPod commercial.
- There was a reality show about her zany rocknroll family
- She likes to eat fast food late at night.
- She has a brother whose nickname is 'Chubs McGee.'
- She recently broke up with Albert Hammond, Jr.
- She is signed to Ed Banger Records
- She recently earned the title of the 'hipster grifter'
- She might be AZN, but maybe not
- She is marrying the solo project 'Death Cab 4 Cutie'
WHO DO YALL THINK IT IS?
LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE SOME1, BUT I CAN'T QUITE PUT MY FNGR ON IT.
Yall. I really want 2 fall in love. Looking for an authentic interpretation of 'love.' Feel like most movies about relationships are 'just bull shit romanticized crap' but not this 1. I am pretty sure I identify with it.
Do yall think it looks good? The intro scene where he is all like 'damn. she likes the Smith's. Think I'm in <3 with her' is kind what made me know I was gonna like this movie. Need more movies with scenes where some1 is listening 2 headphones, kinda like that movie Garden State where NatPortty tells ZachBraffbro about the buzzband THE SHINS.
I'm just a bro who wants to be in love, living in a world full of 'crazy cunts' and 'krazie slutz' who 'don't know what they want' and 'don't realize that they have a good bf.' Wonder if Summer dies at day 500. Wonder if there is some 'realistic ending' that I am supposed to respect since it's 'not just a happy ending.' Probably gonna have a 'bad ass soundtrack.' Is there any way I can invest in this film on the Alternative Stock Market?
"I believe in a thing called <3." -The Darknesses
Jealous that Ben Gibbard married Zooey Deschanel. Want to marry some1 who plays a character in an alternative movie and then pretend that I am married to a character from a movie. Thinking about marrying Bill Murray and pretending he is Steve Zissou/a Ghostbuster/CaddyshackBro.
I think I like the REMIX of this trailer that is meant to just make the movie seem 'meaningful' by not saying much/but just having a meaningful background song, deep voice-over bro, and demonstrating the 'lovely cinematography' in the movie.
Just want 2 find meaningful love in a city. Want a girl who is alternative, but also 'seems like a slut who is down 2 fuck.' Want life to seem like an indie movie that is a mix of realism, quirky convo, and surreal events like 'dance sequences' and 'moments that seem larger than life.'
Never knew the 3rd Rock from the Sun bro would grow up 2 be a leading man in an alternative love story.
Might buy candy and popcorn at the movies. Then will 'complain about how much it costs.'
sad that tweens can't go to the movies any more and fngrbang eachother without 'a lil bit of popcorn butter on their fingers.' just s00 expensive.
When Zooey Deschanel's Bangs Died, So Did A Piece of All of Us.
There used to be a time when 'indie' meant promise.
The promise of a more authentic tomorrow
But the real driving force was the commercial interest in the 'indie' aesthetic
At one point in time, every1 thought that 'indie' was the next 'mainstream'
In reality, 'indie' was just a passing trend
The current iteration of 'alt' culture
with a consumer friendly 'angle'
The entire genre existed in order 2 write the score of smart phone commercials
There was once a time when girls cut their bangs
making them 'indie'
There was a time when Zooey Deschanel's career was at a crossroads
What 'angle' could she implement to take advantage
of the then-booming indie movie and music scene?
Cut ur bangs
Find a dude who plays guitar
(marry him/start a band with him)
Start taking press photos in ur graveyard.
This was who she 'was'
She was 500 days of summer
She was the 'She' of The Shims
She was #TheNewGirlOnFox
All bc of her bangs
I guess 'bangs' are 'over'
It's time 2 move on
Time to find the new aesthetic personal identity to implement
in order to seem 'now'
The awkward phase
where ur still 'growing out ur bangs'
Sometimes makes u feel gross and unbeautiful
but u know u have 2 do it
they are slowly dying
but still dying.
There is nothing left here 2 commercialize.
The aesthetic is ubiquitous
In 3-10 years, sorority girls with throw parties themed 'indie hipster'
this is truly the end
When the vultures have flown away
2 eat something else's bones
When Zooey Deschanel's Bangs Died, So Did A Piece of All of Us.
DoEs ZoZo LoOk GoOd, BB?!?
the perfect duck bill
for slurpin up
that tomato soup
Zooey Deschanel is arguably indie's #1 diva, except she is actually mainstream. We fell in love with her blue eyes and bangs, even though it was sorta 'just a phase' in her career while she was just attempting to go mainstream by exploiting the indie zeitgeist, even going so far as to marry Ben Gibbard just to appear to 'have cred' although she never loved him.. Now she has some terrible comedy called 'The New Girl' on FOX. FOX also televised the World Series. This means that they need one of their TV stars (non American Idol/Glee) to get facetime singing the natty anthem.
Here comes ZoZo and her frog voice. SIgh....
Did she 'COMPLETELY EFFING TANK', ruining the song, disgracing the nation, and pissing on the graves of tons of dead veterans? Or did she 'do okay'?
Oh ZoZo... Maybe u should stick 2 lamestream comedy... But then again, ur a girl and u can do whatever u want because it is easier to be a pretty girl and do things bc every1 just wants to bone u so they just say that they like u no matter what. I guess she just won the genetic lottery.
Was this 'terrible'?
Worse than the last time she sang it?
Did u hear the screech at the end?
Has she improved since last time?
Should she just make a career out of singing natty anthems at little league baseball games?
Did the San Francisco Giants 'deserve' 2 win the World Series?
What is ur analysis of her performance, and how it impacted the outcome of the series?
Zooey Deschanel is the New Girl... but what if I told you that she had morphed into a completely new girl? One that is heftier, fuller, and still has that same lovable quirkiness (and bangs), except it is in a slightly larger package. She is still FASHIONABLE and makes it WORK, wearing a cutting edge black shirt and black pants. She still knows fashion, and underneath it all is that lovable #ZoZo.
Perhaps she needs to lay off the delivery tomato soup and start walking to a restaurant that only serves iceberg lettuce.... Sigh
While many blogs would be quick to shame Zooey Deschanel for this alleged weight gain, we believe that this is good for feminism and the feminist movement, and will have a larger impact than Pussy Riot. There's nothing wrong with being bigger and beautifuller. Zooey can still put on that trademark heavy eye makeup to make those eyes pop. Those bangs. That beautiful body.
Perhaps she's finally happy now.
And you know what?
We're happy for her too. Let's celebrate at the Cheesecake Factory.
How did ZoZo gain so much weight?
Does she still look good bb?
Is she sexier?
Is 'thick' the new alt?
R u gonna 'get thick'?
Do u think this means she is finally over Ben Gibbard?
R u #hornie4zozo?
Is that THE NEW GIRL? It totally HAS TO BE! I'd recognize the Fox Comedy icon anywhere!
Simpsons who? #TeamZoZo
I love LOVE LOVE Zooey Deschanel. She's a music, acting, comedy, and magazine cover icon. With her amazing body and amazing talents, there's no reason for her NOT to be showing off her cleavage on the cover of #cosmo! I love #COSMO. It's actually how I learned to have sex. It didn't help me when I made a TOTAL A$$ out of myself when my bf put his thingy in my poop shoot. #emberressing.
Ur CLEAVAGE looks AMAZING, bb! I NEED to get a a swimsuit like that. It is VERY modest. I'm sure u could wear a 2 piece and show off ur #BANGINBOD but I admire that u r modest and don't SLUT OUT like all of those hollywood slutties. Ur so #classy.
Karsten Dunst who? #TeamZoZo
Lanar DelRay who? #teamZooey!
Selena Gomez is the ULTIMATE HOTTIE and ZoZo should pick up some beauty tips from her. Selena has the BANGING 12 year old body, except she also has BEAUTIFUL, BIG BREASTESES that make it look like she has implants, but at the same time, she is beautiful naturally.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE ZoZo Deschanel, and NOT because she is named after fancy perfume and sunglasses! I can't even afford that stuff with my job because they literally just pay me in food! #Quiznos I am honestly afraid that I am going to get fired because I tried to warm up some cookies in the toaster, then they fell in, then I caused a small fire which led to the loss of multiple lunch meats that day. Do u know how emberessign it is 2 have 2 tell customers that there is no bologna left?
These 2 BBs are HOTTIES! I wanna hang out with them! I wish they had invited me 2 the Tween Choice Awards! We coulda gone out for 'ritas before the show so we would be buzzed and it would be totally fun!
Let me know next time yall hang out! I would honestly love to have a few ritas and drunk kiss yall. Hell, I'd probably even drunk motorboat Selena, even though I have already gone thru an experimental lesbian phase with a pre-F2m transgendered person.
Demi Lovatwho? #TeamSelena
Kirsten Dunst who? #teamZooeyBB
Zooey Deschanel divorced Ben Gibbard because she was done using him for buzz. Then she had a rumored quirky, honky new post-Benny bf named Jamie Linden. Now it seems as though she has been spotted canoodling with Green Bay Packers Quarterback Jock Hottie Hunk Aaron Rogers. They appeared to be on a date on the stage of the Oscars of sports. I don't watch sports, but I didn't realize that awards weren't actually decided on the field, but instead by a series of votes from viewers like you. Sports don't matter... What matters is that Zo Zo can be happy with.
Do u think they make a good couple? They are DEF d8ing, right? They have GREAT chemistry! Both so funnie. :-)
It seems as though she is trying to 'pull a Giselle' by dating an elite NFL quarterback. Vicki's Secret Model Giselle Bunchden is married to Tom Brady, who is considered a hottie hunk. Aaron seems like a chill alt bro who just has a zany moustache and loves to bend his ladies over to show them whoze Da Boss.
I'm sure ZoZo thinks his lil moustache is whimsical. Hell, I'd let his lil moustache into my endzone ANY day of the week.
I can't believe ZoZo is moving so quickly, from guy 2 guy, especially after she decided to be a tomato soup hermit 4 a while who only talked to her celly phone. Maybe this honky didn't cut it after all.
Do u hope ZoZo is happie?
Has she finally found something more than tomato soup?
Does he have time 2 make her tomato soup?
Do u think he can dance around 2 "Shake, Rattle & Roll"?
Do u think he 'scored' a 'touchdown' [via 'in bed']?
Is he the jock she always wanted Ben 2 be [via him running in marathons post-breakup]?
Is Aaron Rodgers 'hot'/would u let him mount u?
Is he the alt-est player in the NFL or is the NFL too mnstrm?
Do u hope they can be happie 2gthr 4evr?
Zooey Deschanel got divorced from indie frontman Ben Gibbard, dragging him thru a messy divorce where she bragged about how rich she was, and basically cut ties before her hit album and hit TV show made her MEGA RICH. She used him, and then was like "I gotta get outta this shit", leaving him high and dry. Poor Ben. Now she has some new BF named Jamie Linden. He is apparently 'a Hollywood screenwriter', which means she won't have to compete with him in the indiesphere.
Here are 'the deets' on THE NEW GUY. Let's sort thru some terribly written tabloid copy.
There’s a new guy in “New Girl” star Zooey Deschanel’s life.
Sounds like things are getting HOT and HEAVY!
Six months after filing for divorce on her two-year marriage from Death Cab for Cutie rocker Ben Gibbard, the actress stepped out holding hands with a new love interest at the “Magic Mike” after-party in Hollywood Sunday.
According to Us Weekly, Deschanel has started dating screenwriter Jamie Linden.
I wonder if he knows how to make a sick batch of Tomato Soup.
Tell us what he's like! Find a nameless source!
"Jamie's a really nice guy," a source told the magazine. "He's funny, and a little geeky … he's into her!"
Perfect! A lil geeky, a lil kinky!
Wait, who is this guy? Has he written any shitty movies?
Deschanel, 32, and Linden, who has penned scripts for the films “10 Years,” “Dear John” and “We Are Marshall,” were reportedly inseparable at the star-studded bash, where they were spotted linking arms and chatting with friends.
Do u think every time he cums, he screams, "We Are. Marshall."
Do u think this CHUMP is good enough 4 ZoZo?
Is he just 'using her' for her millions?
How will Ben Gibb take the news?
Do u think she will leave the house with him?
Do u think he will dance around to 'Shake Rattle and Roll' with him?
Is he the kinda guy who u can just stay in and wear comfy jammies with all day?
R u on #TeamBen or #TeamZoZo?
First of all, I'd like to thank Hector, the chef at the takeout soup kitchen from which I order tomato soup the most. Your extended hours and quick delivery keep me coming back, plus the fresh basil that truly elevates your tomato soup.
You don't know how much this award means to me. As you all know, I've spent so much time in recent months staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. Winning this lifetime achievement award in the field of staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing proves that I have been on an incredibly meaningful journey for truth. There have been so many doubters, haters, and cynics who questioned my decision to always stay in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing around my apartment. But look at me now.
I'm on top of the world.
The truth is, if one girl decides to stay in, wear comfy jammies, order tomato soup, and dance, I've made a difference in this world. I believe that society can be a better place if people change their lives, spread the word, and commit to staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. Let it be known from this point forward: there is nothing wrong with staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing.
I'd like to thank my mother for opening a can of Campbell's Tomato Soup for me when I was 6 years old.
I'd like to thank cotton for being the fabric of our lives'.
I'd like to thank oldies music for inspiring me every day.
I'd like to thank my exhusband Ben Gibbard, who is still codependent, and said he would kill himself if I did not thank him.
It was honestly a huge chore to leave my house, where I would rather be staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. But at the same time, I knew that I had to accept this award on behalf of staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. I believe that I have accomplished something special. I believe that Tomato Soup Hermits are the future of the world.
I must thank my doctor, who told me that I was okay when my pee turned red/pink, and encouraged me to eat more saltines. For a moment, I thought I would no longer be able to only eat tomato soup, but he told encouraged me to take a Women's One-A-Day Multivitamin to ensure I was nutritionally balanced.
This award goes out to every one who is staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing, but for one night, she wasn't staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing.
I'd like to thank my managers, my family, and my new boyfriend who support me, since I am still dedicated to the cause of staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. There is a wild world out there where you just stay in, wear comfy jammies, order tomato soup, and dance by yourself. It's what you make it.
Soon, I will launch a charity that helps starving Africans stay in, wear comfy jammies, order tomato soup, and encourages dancing. I believe that this message is a strong, beautiful one that can unite communities.
Good nite, and God Bless. I'm going home, yall.
Zooey BB! Ur not THE NEW GIRL any more! Ur a certified champion! Ur the singer of 'Call Me Maybe', which is OBVI the BEST SONG EVER EFFING WRITTEN.
I hear it like 10000x per day on the radio and I am NOT tired of it. It reminds me of this time that I took a chance and gave a guy my number. Then he put my number on a fetish community website and I had all of these people calling me who wanted 2 use me as a toilet. #asshole
OMG u have so many MuchMusic Awards! U deserve them! Ur a real #champion and no1 comes close 2 comparing 2 u. Ur bangs are amazing! I tried to cut mine the other night, but ended up sawing a hole into my forehead. Part of me feels like I gave myself a lobotamy, but I can still taste things, so maybe not.
I DEFANATELY want 2 call u maybe, bb! Those don't even look like trophies! They look like u r selling fundraiser chocolate candy bars. Don't worry bb, I'm DEFANATELY gonna buy WHATEVER u r selling. Do u have choco almond bars? Just as long as it is NOT dark chocolate. That makes me barf. #TeamMilkChoco
Ur the best Carly Rae BB! I would name my first daughter after u!
Alanis Morisette ain't go shit on u! #Canada #TeamZoZo
Photo by theCobrasnake
Zooey Deschanel is widely known for being in Fox's "The New Girl", being an indie actress, and performing in the band She & Him with some other guy who no1 even cares about. Recently, Zooey Deschanel obtained a social anxiety disorder that prevented her from leaving the house. All she really cared about was staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. Eventually, many girls in our country acquired the same anxiety disorder, resulting in staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. It has become a sad society where people only care about staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. Something had to be done to save Zooey from staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing.
It's nice to see Zooey out and about, getting her nails done at a VIP event where they hire tiny AZNs to fix ur janky nails. It must have been scary for her to do something other than staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. But at the same time, I'm sure she missed staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. Who knows if she will stop staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing, but for one night, she wasn't staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing.
I am not sure if getting ur nails done is as fun as staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing, but when ur entire existence is about staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing, then you are probably scared to do ANYTHING other than staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing.
We would like to send Zooey all of the strength in the world as she fights to do anything other than staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. There is a world out there where you don't just stay in, wear comfy jammies, order tomato soup, and dance by yourself.
Please use the comments section to send Zooey some strength and positive wishes.
R u worried abt Zooey?
Do u only care abt staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing?
R u a tomato soup Zozo hermit?
My life is all about staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing.
I can't help it. I find myself alone, transitioning into the ZoZo hermit. I have heard that soup diets were popular in the 1950s, but I am at risk for eating too much sodium. I have never been in better shape in my life. Dancing around my living room has me burning as many calories as a 3 hours Zumba class.
Even though I am just a bro, I will soon undergo a series of surgeries in order to transition into a true ZoZo hermit. Soon, I will dye my eyes blue, have surgically installed bangs, and even whittle myself down to a bangin TIGHT bod.
Please wish me all the best as I begin this painful, yet necessary transition. Thank you to my innercircle of friends and family who support me in this transition. Although I will not need you in my future because I have chosen a life with my computer phone, I am confident that this is who I am. For years, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, but now I can be me.
Please think of me when you eat tomato soup.
This weekend, I realized that I have developed a crippling fear of the outside world. I do not like interacting with humans, and I believe the entire world is out to get me. I have a safe zone, a daily routine, and I am alright with that.
There are only a few things that make me happy. This short list includes
- checking the weather, constantly asking my phone if it is raining even when I can see the sun in the sky
- wearing jammies, comfortable PJs with elastic bands that cloak my massive weight gain
- ordering tomato soup by way of delivery
- I have developed a fear of real shoes
- Avoiding having to clean my apartment at all cost.
- dancing around to honky old songs like 'Shake, Rattle and Roll.'
I have lost all contact with any one real in my life. My family, my friends, my significant other. Instead, I live alone on a steady diet of tomato soup. I have developed a Vitamin D deficiency because I am always indoors, afraid of potential rainfall.
The only friend I have is a computer phone. She talks to me and answers my questions about the scary world outside. She makes me laugh. She comforts me when I am scared. She has all the answers, and only cares about servicing me. I like her sense of humor. Every day feels like I am on a date with my robot phone, and I have nothing to worry about. The only moment that gives me anxiety is the thought of having to make my own tomato soup, having to open up a can by myself and potentially cutting a major artery with the electric can opener.
I can't take the risk of making my own tomato soup. I could burn my precious hands on the stove, or even spill scalding hot soup all over my skin and my favorite pair of jammies. The outside world sees me as a loafing disgrace, but this is my way of life. I have filed a disability claim with the government, and will soon be adequately supported by Obama care. I am confident that I will be able to order tomato soup every day.
Maybe I'm doing alright in this private paradise of mine. I have everything I need, with occasional interactions with the tomato soup delivery boy. One of the delivery boys is such a regular that he knows to leave the soup on the door mat. He knocks twice, and I slide a $10 bill under the door. I am afraid of rain getting in the house and ruining the floors. I honestly believe that I am the Wicked Witch of the West, and water will melt me. I avoid taking showers, and instead disinfect my entire body with rubbing alcohol.
My apartment is a mess, with piles of soup cartons. The smell of rotting, crusted tomato soup is taking over, but I am afraid to clean my apartment. It feels like those cartons are a part of me, and throwing them out would be like self-harming. At times, I am aware of the dark spiral that my life has become, but then I find comfort in my phone robot's voice. I don't feel alone. Comfortable in my jammy jam jammies, tummie filled with tomato soup... I can clean up this mess another day.
Tonight, we're dancing.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. I guess they were right, because it is easy to see that Zooey Deschanel divorced Ben Gibbard because she knew she was gonna start making MAD BANK after her television series New Girl propelled her to mad mainstream fame. She is basically getting pitched HARD by her agents, like a fresh new underaged girl who is being human trafficked out of a series of motels on the outskirts of town. After her mainstream iPhone commercial, she is now the official spokeswoman for Pantene Pro-V, which I guess is some sort of shampoo for yuppie white women.
U have to assume she'll be all over our goddamn TV pretty soon, speaking in her frog voice, waving her hair around like it's God's pubes. Just as long as she doesn't sing, I'll probably be cool with it. All we can pray for are some premium shower scenes.
I guess I better go buy some Pantene Pro-V and use it as lubricant so I can know what it is like to have the scent of ZoZo on me until I rub my peen raw and it becomes sore and infected. :-(
R u gonna buy this product now?
Do u just rub bar soap in ur hair bc ur poor?
Did ZoZo divorce Ben Gibbard to ensure he didn't 'get a cut' of all of this bank?
Is Zooey Deschanel the most marketable woman alive in 2k12?
Zooey Deschanel is the precursor to Lana Del Rey. She totally 'used' indie male blog boners to build up her brand, then females all sorta 'got jealous' of her, but they were prob more like 'we are inspired by her bc she is a fashion muse.' Now, she's the star of a Fox comedy that isn't funny, but will probably be renewed just because she has a BANGIN quirky body.
Anyways, this picture is from People Magazine, or some mainstream crap. I guess they are trying to show off women 'without makeup.' They say that a woman without makeup is like a clown without face paint. (This is a metaphor.) ZoZo may or may not look attractive, still, but as a man, I would be disappointed if she showed up on a date like this. Just like 'cmon gurle, put some effort in for daddy.' If anything she looks like a brainwashed cult member whose husband has an additional 7 wives to rail.
Do u think ZoZo still looks FINE without makeup?
Do u wish u had her life?
Do u wish u had her looks?
Is she nothing without dark eyeliner to make her beautiful blue eyes 'pop'?
Do all girls look crappy without makeup?
Should the US Govt pass a law that no woman should be allowed to leave the house without 'getting dolled up'?
Should all women just get their makeup 'tattooed on'?
XX BONUS PARIS JACKSON WITHOUT MAKEUP XX
If only her father had the courage to be 'all natural'... :-(
I remember 'back in the good ol days', Apple used to put buzzbands in iPod/iPhone commercials. Every1 used to 'get all excited' that 'indie bands were getting exposure', like before Feist went mainstream. Anyways, this is some new iPhone 4 commercial that utilizes Zooey Deschanel's 'quirky brand.' She does quirky things, like ordering tomato soup, and lounging around in frumpy pajamas, even though she probably hits the gym hard to maintain her Hollywood body and shouldn't be afraid to show off her post-BenGibbard bod.
Overall, it is a stupid commercial that tries to 'humanize' the popular voice service Siri, except Zooey Deschanel isn't even a real human.
Poor ZoZo. It seems like in her drive to turn herself into a megabrand, she doesn't even really have a 'true self' anymore. She is just this hyperbole of quirk and pseudo-feminism that the internet enables that is ultimately some simple, commodified scoop of poo gelato that is served into a waffle cone and fed to lamestreamers. I guess if that's what pays the bills.
What do u think ZoZo uses Siri for? Probably just to sext tons of dudes and then 'gossip about it' with her girls.
Does this make u want to throw ur iPhone 4 in the garbage?
Is this commercial 'an effing disgrace'?
Is Steve Jobs 'rolling over in his grave' because of this terrible commercial?
Should ZoZo hang around her house in sexie lingerie or something?
Do u think Siri 'actually likes' Zooey Deschanel, or does Siri think that ZoZo is a hollow brand that is the manifestation of the mainstreamification of indie quirkiness and female insecurity oversharing?
Zooey Deschanel is the favorite mainstream star who every1 still likes to pretend is 'indie.' While many indie blogs have turned their back on 'covering' Lana Del Rey memes for the sake of 'authenticity', every1 continues to pretend that Zooey Deschanel is a pure indie celeb. Anyways, she is on the cover of some magazine called Marie Claire. I'm sure it's the same as every other women's magazine that just encourages girls to get 'whore-d up' and not be afraid to 'S some D' to 'make their way to the top'. I'm pretty sure that's what ever women's magazine is about, while they celebrate some pretty ass girl who their fat readers will never be as hot as.
ZoZo! <3in the sideboob, bb! She's looking skinnie, sorta reminiscent of her crazy coke eyes on Letterman weight. I hope she is okay. #pray4ZoZo
Also, ZoZo claims that she 'is not dating', but she is probably just saying that to not hurt Ben Gibbard's feelings. I'm sure he is still taking it hard. #pray4ben
It's been three months since Zooey Deschanel announced her plans to divorce Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard, and she's not itching to jump back in the dating game just yet.
The "500 Days of Summer" star tells the May issue of Marie Claire, "Honestly, I'm just going through a divorce, so I don't really think that's something I want to get into now. I don't have time to date. I literally - don't-have-time."
As for having kids, she's not rushing that either.
"That's never been my focus," Deshanel, 32, said. "My sister [Emily] was always very motherly, babysitting and stuff. I like kids, and I like being around kids - but it was never an ambition, something, like, I need ... I like working. That's what I like doing. I like to work."
I guess ZoZo is playing all her cards right. Dump the boring husband. Go 'mainstream' with a FOX comedy, continue to become more famous, and not have to share hew new revenue stream with the husband while soaking up the perks of being a 'hottie mainstream it girl.'
Kristen Dunst who? #teamZoZo!
Nat Portman who? #TeamZoZo!
Does ZoZo look good, bb?
R u living 4 her?
Does her body look more BANGIN than evr?
Do u think she is 'dating' ppl?
R u happie 4 her newfound happiness?
Joel Zimmerman is deadmau5, known as one of the hottest hunks in the entire EDM game. Although he often wears a mouse mask, he usually takes off the mask and shows off his beautiful face. But we're not the only ones finding him beautiful these days. As you can see, he was spotted SITTING SIDE BY SIDE with Fox's New Girl, Zooey Deschanel. The EDM pioneer has got to be living in 500 days of Zooey if he played his cards right.
Oh ZoZo... Ur KILLING it and the NEW YOU is FREE to do AS U PLEASE.
Has Joel Zimmerman replaced Ben Gibbard?
Haz ZoZo gone from 'indie royalty' to EDM royalty?
Do u <3 deadmau5?
Do u think he 'raised his weapon' in the bedroom and got his 'Strobe' on with her?
R u happy that she's moved on post-Ben Gibbard?
Do they look like a good, happie couple?
Did they KILL IT at the Juno Awards?
I guess being in She & Him with M. Ward was sorta getting boring. Sure, you can sell a shitload of albums to NPR cool dads and whimsical high-end female tween blog readers, but at the end of the day, the real money is in the pop mass markets. U have to give Zooey Deschanel props 4 going where the money is, instead of continuing to exploit the dying 'indie' aesthetic. Sure, she's a QT with bangs, but QTs with bangs are mnstrm now. Her new song "Call Me Maybe" is a POP BANGER.
It seems like her bod is BANGIN-ER than ever, and there is a certain pop arrangement/sensibility to her vibe now. In the video, she lusts over a HOTTIE MCHOTHOT with a chest tattoo. U gotta give her props 4 going after that bad boi.
I wish she'd call me maybe...
I wish she'd come 'get soapy' with me...
Speaking of BBs who I'd like 2 call...
The Lamestreamers are going crazie 4 the new ZoZo!
Do u <3 ZoZo 3.0?
Has she been set free since the Ben Gibbard divorce?
Do u <3 this song?
Would u call her maybe?
Do all BBs with bangs look the same?
R u hornie 4 those tweens?
R u #hornie4zozo?
Ben BB! Say it ain't so! U've turned to pills to deal with the recent divorce from Zooey Deschanel. I know that she is trying to take the house and the collection of ukeleles, but u HAVE to be at peace with this 2 move on with ur life. #itgetsbetter. I sorta don't blame him though, because I am sure it is difficult to escape from the MAJOR MEDIA BLITZ that ZoZo has been on, basically since their divorce.
Just this weekend, Zooey Deschanel showed her BANGIN bikini bod 2 the entire world. Many body language experts commented that this was a clear signal to the Gibbard camp to say 'look at me! My bod is bangin and I am FREE!' Maybe the message sunk in a little bit TOO much, and there is only one way to escape from the pain.
Now Ben Gibbard has turned to an undentified bottle of pills. I think the street name is called 'D Vitamins' and the dealer is 'Trader Joe', who is a notorious drug kingpin in the Great Northwest. Who knows what is inside of this pill bottle, but all we know is that it might be the only way that Ben can escape from the pain, hurt, betrayal, and the TRUE STORY that every1 is trying 2 uncover.
Gibbard commented, "It's getting to be this time of year in the Northwest." Many say that this is a suicidal metaphor, a clear reference to the suicide of Kurt Cobain, who took his own life in the Pacific Northwest.
Right now, all we can do is #pray4benjamin.
He may have lost ZoZo, but that doesn't mean he should give up hope. Sometimes, hope is all we have...
R u worried abt Ben Gibbard?
Have u ever done this drug?
Do u ever have those days where u think 2 urself 'It's getting 2 b that time of year in the NXNW?' [via dark thoughts]
Is this a cry 4 help?
Would u be dead on the inside if u got divorced from Zooey Deschanel, then she went on a MASSIVE BRANDING ASSAULT on the mainstream?
Have u ever done pills?
We finally did it.
We finally got the coveted 'Zooey Deschanel in a bikini' picture. It was featured during her Saturday Night Live hosting gig. Not sure what happened during the show, or whether or not it was funny. Right now, the entire buzzosphere is simply #hornie4zozo
ZoZo has it all, bb!
According to the Google Machine, previous Zooey Deschanel Bikini Pictures exist, but they look to be from 'before she had discovered her quirky alternative spirit.'
Maybe she was trying to be more of a 'mnstrmr' back then. Her alt / retro / quirky sex appeal wasn't fostered via the alt ppl yet.... But she does look BANGIN.
It is clear that she is an independent woman now that she is divorced from Ben Gibbard. This BANGIN BIKINI BOD photo HAD to be an 'EFF U! Look how SEXY I am' message that was sent to the Deathcab For Cutie frontman.
Tonight, we can finally tug in peace. We have the ZoZo BANGIN BIKINI BOD photo. #hornie4zozo
Here is some sketch from SNL that 'mocks' Zooey Deschanel's quirkiness with Michael Cera and Mary Kate Ashley Olson. Not sure if any1 even cares, especially because the BANGIN BIKINI PIC was all we rlly wanted.
Does ZoZo look good bb?
Do u <3 her bangin bikini bod?
Should she show off MORE skin in her bikini bod?
Did we finally get the most coveted BANGIN BIKINI BOD pic in the entire indiesphere?
Does ZoZo have it all?
Do u think Ben Gibbard threw his remote thru the TV as he 'hate watched' SNL with all of his BFFs?
Zooey BB! Who is the mystery man?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Lou Alcindor! I used to watch him play hoopball ALL the time! But then my dad would tell me that I should GET OUT OF THE WAY while he was watching the game and GET A JOB. Ugh. I hate sports because they remind me of how my dad loved sports more than he loved me. :-( #sadbuttrue
I love watching u on FOX network EVERY week. I wanna get my hair cut like u zoZo! I'm gonna take a pic of u into SuperCuts so they can make me JUST like u. I wish we were gfs. Can I blog 4 u at HelloGiggles? I'm PROBABLY too old because they only employ ppl under 15 years old since they are the new female voice on the internet. I wish I was young again. I'd work for not much, too.
I am sorry abt u and BEN GIBBARD, but this man is TALL, DARK, and HANDSOME. Kareem Abdul Jabbar might have a SILLIE NAME, but I'm sure he is DOWN TO BUSINESS in the bedroom!
U look good, ZoZo!
U are TRULY turning into a BUTTERFLY after ur divorce!
Write a new album with inspirational breakup songs! I wanna be inspired 2 know that there is life after love after love after life!
Out of nowhere, Zooey Deschanel tweeted BREAKING indie news out of nowhere. She has a sister! We cannot confirm why Zooey didn't u tell us sooner. Was she hidden in a basement or something? Was Emily the 'bad kid' who got sent away 2 reform school / tween rehab? All we know is that we can celebrate the creation of a new Deschanel. We can only hope that Emma (EmEm) soon launches an indie music, film, content farm, and lifestyle branding career.
Emily BB! U look banging! When r u gonna launch an indie film career, following in the tread of the path that ur little sister ZoZo has carved?
It's gotta be hard for Emily Deschanel 2 know that her little sister is WAY more successful & rich than her, but do u think that Emily is 'prettier' / BANGIN-er than ZoZo? There's prob ALWAYS been a lot of competish between them, which is why Zooey has alternawhimsical taste.
Emily Deschanel is apparently on some TV Show called "Bones." I am not sure if that is a pornographic film, indicating that she has fallen upon hard times while Zooey's network TV superstardom has her 'makin mad bank'.
R u on #TeamEmma or #TeamZoZo Deschanny?
Where did this sister come from?
Do u have any brothers or sisters that u've never heard of?
Did ur parents hide any of ur bros or sisses bc they were 'a disappointment'?
Do u wish u had the Deschanel bloodline?
Zooey Deschanel recently broke off her marriage with Ben Gibbard, which means she is searching for ways to make him jealous by anonymously sending him her own press clippings. Seems as if she has the 'ultimate EFF YOU' now that she has been named the MOST DESIRABLE WOMAN on an entire island of the United Kingdom township. U have to give ZoZo MAD PROPS for scheduling her meteoric rise to mainstream fame to peak right after she dumped 'the old ball and chain.'
It seems like this is probably the 'biggest moment in her career', except for when she wins an Oscar/Grammy in _ years.
'U've got it all ZooeyBB!' -some magazine for lamestreamers
WHY IS ZOOEY DESCHANEL NO. 1?
Just recently, Zooey celebrated her 32nd birthday by proudly tweeting a picture of a letter she’d received from Barack and Michelle Obama offering their best wishes and thanks for her dedication to supporting young American women. Now, topping our hallowed Top 99 is a very different accolade to personal correspondence with the President, but a momentous one nevertheless (we may be slightly bias).
The living, breathing, all-singing, all-dancing incarnation of that cool, quirky girl at school you were obsessed with, Zooey’s currently friday night TV’s guilty pleasure. In New Girl, Zooey plays the photo negative of her indie boy favourite in (500) Days of Summer, an impossibly cheery, unselfconscious, loser in love. Who sings an awful lot (no surprise considering Zooey’s extra-curricular activities in Grammy winning alt-country duo She & Him).
Despite fears New Girl could be aimed squarely at your other half, it’s impossible not to fall for our Zooey. As proved by your voting.
A beautiful, intelligent, multi-talented and (Obama-endorsed) genuinely nice person, we’re thrilled to endorse Zooey as British males’ choice as World’s Most Desirable Woman.
Is Ben gonna be 'pissed'?
Do u think Ben is still pissed at ZoZo bc she sexted with BroBama?
if ur from the UK, r u #hornie4ZoZo?
Is ZoZo 'going international'?
Do ppl from the UK understand whimsy-core US sex icons?
Does this just prove that the UK is always abt 5-10 years late 2 any trend, including 'thinking Zooey Deschanel is indie hot'?
Is she THE SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE?