I was recently watching a youtube video of an indie bro watching a youtube video of a live performance by the popular indie female artist The St. Vincent. The video is compelling content, an open love letter to the female of his dreams. In the video, he pours out his emotional/spiritual/sexual/intellectual desires, letting St. Vincent know that 'they could have a perfect life together.'
Transcription of youtube video:
Hey St Vincent. I'm sitting here sprung out watching 'You Dig a Pony' meanwhile I just want to be digging your pony. I think you're sexy as hell. I've been stalking you since back when you were just an mp3 blogger meme, back in 2006. But I saw your potential, and here we are almost four years later, rich and famous. And I'm just so proud. I see you wearing those black tights all the time underneath your skirts and shorts, and to me, that just make a nigga go buck wild. The locks of your hair curl to perfection. You got a slammin bod and my dick raise up like a scissor kick when you hit the high note. But all I wanna know is, can you shred on your guitar like that bent over? I like that you sing in two microphones, because then it's like there's two of you, and I always wished that God made two of you so that I could fuck you while you lick my ass. Your lips are sexy red and I want to rub the large space in between your eyes. I'm best friends with Grizzly Bear, and I just want all of us to be friends in Brooklyn, and maybe live in your house and sleep in your bed. And I hope that when you watch this vid, you fall in love with me, because when I turn my swagger on, no one got it like this, and I be in your mother fucking dreams tonight. Thank you for watching my youtube, St. Vincent. Thank you for your music. And I love you.
I think many people would probably find this video to be 'sick', 'troublesome', and miscellaneous feelings that would put them 'above this type of cheap ploy for attention.' But it's important to talk about how altbros, indie bros, and music criticism middle aged bros view females in the alternative music scene. If we can assume that men are the driving force behind indie buzz, indie record sales, the indie media, and altEverything, then how do we fairly assess women's role in 'the whole scene.' It seems like in this open love letter to St. Vincent, the youtubeBro gave us a valuable insight into the true desires of all bros who are alt/indie/etc.
This is what alternative males want:
- We to be loved.
- We want to be relevant.
- We want to 'bang' bitches in 'mad crazy' positions
- We want to live a perfect life in a relevant city
- We want to be bffs with bands
- We want to follow bands/artists and watch them grow and attribute their success to ourselves for being on the forefront of relevancy.
- We want 'the most respected female' in the indie scene to be our gf [via the altbaguette theory]
How does indie bro obsession impact the indiesphere?
Will an ugly/not cute girl ever 'make it' as an indie artist? It seems like indie bros who 'shape' the indie world will always have trouble evaluating female artists. I think the first thing men look at is 'how attractive is the female.' That seems to be 'the most important element' when evaluating a woman in any profession (strippers, actresses, accountants, secretaries, etc).
I think it is also important for indie females to 'seem like they are real musicians.' This can be accomplished by either displaying a relatively high level of 'musicianship', or even just by 'appearing to take themselves seriously.' Many say that behind every great woman is a great man, so even if a 'skilled male producer' creates mad beats, the female band member/lead singer still has a very important task in terms of branding the live performance with the level of 'into-it-ness' of her presence.
Whenever I see coverage of an indie starlet, I imagine some music criticism bro wild a mildly erect penis while writing a blurb. In a short blurb, the music critic bro can project his feelings/hopes/dreams/desires. He can mention that the female artist is 'hot' but also say something that clearly indicates 'we need to take her seriously.' All blurbs about female artists by men are unintentional manifestos in which we 'search 4 a sexual identity.' I wrote this post to 'come to terms' with my homosexuality/heterosexuality/bisexuality/pansexuality/indiesexuality.
I feel like I am in search of 'the perfect alt woman', and I can't help but entirely identify with the St. Vincent Love Letter Vlog. I want 2 be loved, have krazie sex, and also have an authentic life. I am not sure if I like listening to music by women, but I feel like I will watch them if they are 'hot.' It seems impossible for men to 'actually like' music by women, since many of the lyrical themes are coming from the 'fucking dreamworld' that exists inside of a girl's head.
Wonder if I would consider living my perfect life with the Dirty Projector altbaguettes.
Even the Zany SNL video meme bro got 'roped in' by the prospects of a 'perfect alt life' with Joanna Newsom.
How do yall think that the horniness of men impacts the critical acceptance of women? Can indie bros 'put aside their desire 2 mate' when evaluating females in music? Will an 'ugly woman' ever be very successful at anything, or does society naturally 'select out' the uggos? Should we segregate the indiesphere by gender? Should there be a 'pitchfork4Girls' instead of reading men evaluating women?
Does some sort of subconscious sexual desire impact the acceptance of all females? Is the indiesphere an 'equal opportunity' hype machine?
Maybe indie bros are bisexuals. Maybe we do evaluate everything fairly. Maybe we just need to 'learn 2 love' regardless of (sexual) gender and (musical) genre.
Maybe we all need 2 take a lil ride on the chillwave...
How do the sexual desires of men impact the indie perception bubble/the Western World/the Middle East?
When u watch a female artist, what do u expect from her?
Are chick flicks/romantic comedies and indie-ish female musicians some sort of marketing gimmick to exploit the infamous 'female' demographic of humans?
If u like a band with a male lead singer, are u 'kinda ghey'?
Do women like male singers because they want to 'make love' to them/get swept off their feet into a rock n roll lifestyle?
Is it realistic for men to identify with themes in music made by females?
Will men ever see women as 'anything more than a fuck doll'?
Do you think people ever take into consideration 'how would this look if some one made a fake nude out of this?'
Here is the top search result for FAKE NUDES. It's a blog with a bunch of fake n00dz.
Here's a NSFW fake nude of Tina Fey. (click 2 enlarge)
I think 2008 is going to be all about fake nudes of indie stars. Feist nudes. St. Vincent Nudes. Glass Candy nudes. Uffie nudes.
Notable Moment in 2007: REMEMBER THE MEG WHITE SEX TAPE?
St. Vincent is usually known for making 'semi-boring but respected' high-end indie rock. She played Coachella, and apparently every1 'went crazie' for this keut, curly haired girl playing the guitar. It seems as though her performance had 2 significant memes worth blogging about.
1) She crowdsurfed, which might be a 'first' in her career. Not only did she crowdsurf, but she performed an entire song while crowdsurfing. This is the kind of behavior/open grabfest that you'd expect from Alice Glass or even Alexis Krauss, but maybe ST. Vincent is 'trying to rebrand' as one of those crazy energy female BBs. I honestly wish i could have grab-fested her.
Will St. Vincent be required 2 crowdsurf at every show ever now?
2) She was wearing a MYSTERY WEDDING RING/ENGAGEMENT RING on her finger! I wonder who the lucky man is!
There are a few better shots of the wedding ring / wedding band at the 1:39 mark of this video.
Who is St. Vincent married 2?
Do u think they approved of her crowdsurfing?
Would u <3 to carry St. Vincent's bangin lil bod?
Do u like St. Vincent more now that she crowdsurfs?
Should all females in indie be required 2 crowdsurf?
Is this a good strategic brand move 4 St. Vincent?
Do u rlly need to find out the mystery behind Annie Clark's wedding ring?
I'm really not sure how St. Vincent got the brand of 'being a good artist that people want to listen to.' I don't think I have ever made it thru one of her entire songs, unless I am sitting at a coffee shop where an empowered potentially-lesbi-wave barista is jamming her female indie jams. Then I am like 'ugh. this music is so involved and complex and unpoppy and unlistenable.' Anyways, p4k gave her a 9.0, but I think it was probably because there is this pressure to keep telling the world that St. Vincent is 'worth listening 2' just because her music sounds like it is 'hard 2 make' and she is a pretty girl. It's sorta like the Joanna Newsom theory. No1 bought/enjoyed that album, but for some reason, there is pressure 2 keep pushing her vibe/agenda.
The review is pretty much as boring as her music, because it is trying 2 convince us that St. Vincent isn't boring. Sort of like the pre-1990s music journalism thing where u talk a lot abt some1's personality 'manifesting itself' in the music, even though all musicians now are just trying to write mp3s that ppl will like. SHE IS SO ANGRY.
Across three albums, the Dallas native has become a master of subverting her picture-perfectness with violence, rage, and mystery-- "I'll make you sorry," sang Clark in creepy lullaby tones on the very first song on her debut album. The juxtaposition is naturally intriguing, a sophisticated twist on finding out that the horror-movie killer was actually the girl next door all along. "Physically, I'm a very demure-looking person," Clark said in a recent Pitchfork interview, "but I certainly have as much aggression or anger as the next person, and that's got to come out somehow." On her fine, art-rocking debut, Marry Me, those feelings of hurt, loss, and bloodlust could translate a tad cutesy.
Did u know she plays guitar? She plays it angrily.
Here, Clark's role-playing is grounded in emotions that are as cryptic as they are genuine and affecting. And when her voice can't bear it, her guitar does the screaming.
Do u <3 or h8 St. Vincent?
Is she just a pretty face?
Does she try 2 hard 2 be deep?
Does every1 who 'likes St. Vincent' have a stick up their ass/are they 'trying 2 hard'?
Should Pitchfork make a 'women's league' for rating women on their own scale?
Not sure where she got her outfit. Pretty confused by this entire thing. If she breaks the 8.0 barrier on Pitchfork, there's gonna be some problems. For some reason she is critically acclaimed, but it seems like she played this 'massive joke on the world' to let her into the authentic indie club. I guess she is too pretty not to be in the club, though. No uggos allowed!
Did this performance 'tank'?
Did Letterman seem bored/like he wanted to 'pound dat ass'?
Did St. Vincent look like a 1990s-wave crazy woman?
Do u wish she wore something sexier instead of a 'witchy woman' outfit?
Is that outfit a FASHION DISASTER?
Do u <3 or h8 St. Vincent?
I was in my local Borders, looking for some sweet deals bc they are going out of biz, and I saw the cover of SPIN Magazine from afar. At first, it looked like Alice Glass, and I was really excited. I screamed, "MY BB IS ON THE COVER!" Then I moved closer, and I noticed the curly hair. Bummer. It was just St. Vincent.
As yall know, St. Vincent is totally obsessed with her facial structure and how her curly hair frames her face. Honestly kinda let down. Do u think she is GRADE A INDIE HOTTIE? Or would u prefer Alice Glass / Vicki LeGrand / Maddie Follin / Andrea Estella any day of the week?
I used the zoom tool 2 try to see if this was a see-thru dress. Maybe I am a bit pervy, but I am OBSESSED with areola vs. skin tone in an artsy kinda way.
R u at all interested in St. Vincent enough 2 buy a magazine abt her?
Here is some funnie 'profile piece' journalism where u just try to make an artist sound smart and interesting, but they just come across as douchey:
Clark is at Quartino, a restaurant near her apartment in the East Village, when I arrive. She's wearing something chic and black, looking slight and effortless, and reading a book about shamanistic psychoanalysis and surrealist exercises written by Alejandro Jodorowsky, the director of El Topo. We talk about that, and about films and serial killers and podcasts, and she says she listens to "Savage Love" sex columnist Dan Savage in the van when she's on tour.
Want a little bit more?
When I meet Clark again, she is wearing a peach miniskirt and a white button-down silk top. She looks like a John Currin painting: all eyes and curls and a long pale neck and sloped nose under freckles that seem to cry out, Render me in oils. Exaggerate nothing.
We are at the student entrance of the Metropolitan Museum of Art for a tour of Savage Beauty, an exhaustive exhibit of the work of designer Alexander McQueen, who killed himself last February at age 40. Clark likes fashion, but she doesn't talk about it with any kind of pretension or grandiosity. Fashion likes her, too. She wore a McQueen dress for her date with Byrne to the White House Correspondents' dinner, and she's friends with the Brooklyn-based design duo Vena Cava, but is smart enough to joke about how silly it all is when she's asked about her involvement in that world.
It is actually kinda a funny read. It must be a parody, like The Onion or something. Here is how it ended.
Clark and I part ways after lunch -- she's heading to the 6 train, I'm getting a cab on Park Avenue. I say goodbye, we hug, and she's off, a tiny silhouette in the distance. Her silk shirt and skirt billow in the hot breeze. I look uptown at the horizon, processing the memory of her, and my eyes creep up to the huge sky.
BB did u straighten ur hair? She kinda looks like Feist in this picture. Maybe they are trying to confuse ppl into listening 2 her music.
R u totally in2 St. VInny?
Do u <3 or h8 her music?
Does she need to write girlier music?
Should she 'be more mainstream' by showing more skin?
Do u think she is going to eventually 'lose it' and 'go Sufjan' [via crappy electro era where she dances around on stage]?
What kind of consumers actually enjoy/purchase St. Vincent?
Who is prettier: Alice Glass or Annie Clark?
I am not sure who is even into St. Vincent. Her music is too conceptual for girly girls to vibe to, and it really only appeals to indie bros whose peens get erect while they read about how music sounds on music blogs. No idea how big her following is, or if cool dad overgrounders even vibe to her. Anyways, she is kinda keut in an alt way, but she may or may not have a BANGIN BOD that she doesn't want to show us. Sorta wish she did a bikini shoot on the cover of Under the Radar Mag instead of some weirdo pinwheel artsy fartsy crap.
We get it, St Vinny... U have a symmetrical face that ur proud of. I know that means ur truly beautiful, or whatever, but we just need some girlier Feist-wave MP3s. If u wanna go mnstrm, it's time 2 man up and write songs 4 gurliez by a gurlie gurle.
Here is some video with a photographer pinwheeling her for hours. That is not a sexual term.
Do u <3 St. Vincent?
Have u heard of 'Under the Radar Mag'?
Do artists 'get anything' out of being on magazine covers?
Do u wish St. Vincent didn't play such weird guitar rock and sang abt her feelings behind a lil piano?
Would u rather spend the rest of ur life listening to St. Vinnie on repeat, or watching the hit film 'My Cousin Vinnie' on repeat?
Taylor Swift is a mainstream broad who singer-songwrites, and sings abt how boys should like her 4 her even though she is 'just a 6 with a sense of creativity.' St. Vincent is an indie guitarist broad, and I have no idea what she sings about because her songs are all abstract and conceptual, and I would probably only bother to sort thru her lyrics if I were a lonely girl who was desperate to project meaning on to anything. An mp3. A man. A romantic comedy. That's why it is easier to be a creative female than a creative male. The bar is just set so low.
Anyways, St. Vincent has a new album coming out, so she is doing her best 2 try to 'crossover', because if this one doesn't 'go mainstream', she will definitely lose the interest of both the indiesphere and the mainstreamosphere. Best case scenario, she starts an indie Lilith Fair with other femmy indie artists who won't go mainstream like Joanna Newsom.
I wonder what they talked abt. I wonder if Taylor Swift knew who the hell Annie Clark was. Maybe St Vincy was giving her guitar lessons, and lending her a 'sweet pedal board.' I really have no idea, but they are bronoodling, and St. Vincent's album launch will be an ABSOLUTE DISASTER if she doesn't chart in the top 10 or get above an 8.8 from Pitchfork.
What do u think they talked abt?
Do they look good?
Who is keuter?
Who is that other mainstreamer?
Who writes better songs?
Should they 'collab' on some mp3 that is aimed at both tweens and lonely 40something women?
Let's be honest. No1 is really THAT into St. Vincent, and ppl have only ever been into her because she is a QT alt broad with curly hair and symmetrical facial features. I have no idea how to gauge her talent levels because she tries to play guitar rock, but I'd feel more comfortable if she just wrote pop songs and sat behind a piano like Vanessa Carlton or Sara Bairelles or Feist or something. This new song surgeon is all spacious and she plays guitar riffs and sings with meaningful whimsy, but it is pretty whatever. If u've heard 1 St Vincent song, you've heard them all.
Anyways, she has my attention for her new album cover because it looks like some kinky sex latex stuff over a mouth. Like one of those nights where u go to a swingers party, and there are some people dressed in latex jumpsuits so u cant see their face, and u have a dark night that involves dental dams, or something.
R u into dental dams /dental dam condoms?
R u into St. Vincent?
Is she the #1 female in indie?
Does she 'try too hard' to be a femwave artist?
r u turned on by her album cover?
Do u think dental dams are sexi, or r u afraid of the dentist?
Should St Vincent stop releasing music and just release albums that are pictures of her face/hair/eyes looking like a QT deer in the headlights?
David Byrne is the lead singer of the Talking Heads, or Devo, or Pavement or some band like that. I'm not really sure. Anyways, he was invited to Barry Obama's VIP White House Correspondents' Dinner. He decided to take indie sex icon St. Vincent with him as his d8. It seems like 'love is in the air', as they are canoodling quite close. Unfortunately, Annie Clark is 'too alt' to be recognized by mainstream photo service.
I know that a lot of ppl will probably be like "They are JUST FRIENDS and COLLEAGUES... They are NOT canoodling." But trust me. I know how bros work, no matter what age u r.... If u invite a female somewhere, ur trying to canoodle with her. It doesn't matter if ur 'just friends'... at the end of the nite.... Ur gonna take ur chances.
Do they make a keut couple?
Is St. Vincent still a top-tier indie female, or has she not released anything buzzworthy recently enough?
Should St. Vincent just become 'the 4th altbaguette in the Dirty Projectors'?
Has the Tune-Yards broad 'beaten St Vincent at her own game'?
Is David Byrne an 'authentic alt'?
Do u think they're gonna 'make it'?
Is the White House Correspondents' dinner t00tally funnniiee [via the Colbert Daily Report Show]?
Hey it's me
The St. Vincent
You might know me as one of Sufjan's former 'slave performers'
honestly relieved that I jumped off that ship before he 'went electro'
and forced every1 2 wear Neon post-its [link]
I just wanted to remind yall that I have curly hair
and great bone structure
and I craft 'beautiful' songs
Like almost as 'beautiful/conceptual' as the Dirty Projectors
Anyways... I know Beach House got a lot of buzz in 2k10
But I mean 'cmon'
There's a reason so many ppl like it
It's kinda simple/entry-level
Yall need to come ride the Vincent_wave
Chill out with me, Annie Clark
Check out my glowing leggings
Just wanted yall to know
Every1's all hyping up Vicki LeGrand...
but u gotta realize
I play the guitar
therefore I am a better musician then her
I know Vicki was an opera singer
but she has that 'other dude' who sorta ruins her band
Check out that chump.
Dude totally creepifies that picture
Cmon yall. Listen to my MP3s
I'm St Vincent, a 2k9 artist
I coulda released something in 2k10 and been 'album of the year'
but just want yall to remember Joanna Newsom and Vicki LeGrand
Don't have shit on me
I'm St. Vincent
Check out my curly hair and flawless bone structure
Do yall <3 Annie Clark/St. Vincent?
Is she 'more authentic' than Beach House or are her songs 'too ambitious' and 'boring'?
Do u think Vicki LeGrand has a cuter curly mop?
Should Victoria LeGrand 'go solo' and change her band name to St. Vicki?
For some reason, Beck invited a bunch of people to chill in a studio and record a bunch of INXS covers. They also hired bros with HD Cameras to film it, and make sure it looked like an authentic jam sesh. St. Vincent a.k.a. Annie Clark was one of ppl who was invited, and a bunch of people covered INXS's hit anthem "Need You Tonight."
It seems like she had never really heard the song before, but then tried to apply the cutesy indie girl voice aesthetic to it. Had to read the lyrics off a lyric sheet. Sorta wasn't vibing with the song, like she was 'forced to sing it', then sort of half-assedly played some guitar riffs at the end. I feel bad about this cover. Apparently the lead singer of INXS killed himself via auto-erotic asphyxiation while he was on a 'shit load of drugs.' Whenever I hear the song "Need You Tonight", I think of a tortured man who just wants to get off in the dirtiest way possible. Feel like St. Vincent was 'up against the odds', and would have a difficult time with this song unless she got 'extremely dark' in a personal/sexual type of way.
Wonder if there are some songs that just shouldn't be 'covered.' Wonder if covering INXS is more authentic than covering the Beatles?
I wonder if you should even be allowed to cover this song if you haven't been choked during an orgasm?
Still feeling bummed about the 'cover version' of this. Maybe since it was a group of a bunch of bros connecting, then they sorta had to let the girl do her thing, then they posted it, even though they weren't 100% proud of it.
Who is the better Australian band: INXS or Savage Garden?
Is Beck the #1 pop writer of our generation?
Is Beck alt or mainstream?
Will St. Vincent become a scientologist because she chilled with Beck?
Have you ever lost consciousness right after an orgasm?
What is the cheesiest / most authentic band 2 cover?
St. Vincent is a 'critically acclaimed' female artist. Her content is usually 'picked up' by respected music sites, but her female brand isn't always as inherently marketable/eye-popping as other indie/mnstrm females. While her music seems to 'sound good', I think she generally only appeals to high-end markets. Probably people who are very into the Dirty Projectors. She is not a more universal female product like Feist/Avril Lavigne/Dido/the 'Not Gonna write u a love song' broad.
In order to make her latest music video 'more bloggable', she had Fred Armisen 'dress up in drag' for the video, and play a zany role. Fred Armisen is an authentic character actor from the popular night life comedy show Saturday Night Live. I have read that he 'dabbles' in the indie music scene, attempting to brand himself as an 'alt comedian' who 'listens to kewl music' (similar to Aziz Ansari's personal branding strategy).
In the video, Annie Clark plays a 'character' of herself. I am not sure if this is a good move, or too post-Flight-of-the-Conchies to seem 'original' to authentic markets.
Is this video 'successful', or was it too strategically crafted for male bloggers to 'gush' over?
Is Fred Armisen the most authentically funny SNL cast member?
Will St. Vincent ever 'cross over', or should she 'dumb down' her music and play more piano driven ditties?
Is St. Vincent trying to 'pitch' a comedy show to HBO?