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Have we reached the era of the post-ironic riot?


Why do bros riot?

If given the opportunity to march into a busy city center and set some cars on fire, and take some interesting photographs of yourself in front of riot police & burning cars, would u do it? Take a picture of yourself 'looking crazy' in front of some damaged property, looking 'like a boss.'

Chill, Azn bro.

Before you die, do u want to jump over a burning BMW?

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Seems chill... Maybe they should add this event to the X-games.

I am sorta wondering 'why' riots happen in the Western World any more. It makes sense if you have a dictator bro who is totally killing ur society's vibe, but things are generally 'pretty chill' in North America and Europe. This 'riot' apparently took place after the Vancouver Canucks lost the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins. Do u think these bros 'seem sad'? Are they just letting out some angst? Or are they just using the context of a sporting event's outcome in order to create a meme-worthy event?

The spirit of the modern bro seems pretty chill, so most of these bros seem like they are just trying to search for a sweet Facebook default opportunity.

Sports bros are pretty chill, they just like to chill out in front of the TV, drink some brewdawgs with the bros, fire up ESPN.com, and just throw down an argument abt sports.

But I guess there are a few bros who legitimately 'think that they are anarchists' and want to rage against the societal machine. I wish they just did it during normal working hours, instead of giving hard-working bros a bad name by 'using' sporting events as an excuse to riot.

Would u be an 'authentic rioter' or a 'post-ironic rioting bro who is just checking out the vibe'?

Hopefully they can clear the broken glass soon because I need to pick up some cash to pay at this CASH-ONLY bagel shop right next 2 my mediocre office job downtown.

It would be great to take out my middle-class resentment on SEARS because my mom made me wait there for 2 hours while she bought a new washer & dryer when I was 6 years old.

Even this tomboy broad was able to vibe out like a free-spirit at the riot.

Shamu seems like he a real chiller whale who just wants to go 'see what's goin down' and only perform property damage 'if every1 else is.'

But I guess there are some bros who get 'way too violent' after drinking 20 brewskies. They'll usually hurt themselves, start a fight, or needlessly damage some property. Every group of friends has 1 bro like that, so maybe every agro-bro in the city united to create this sweet situation.

Really beats a bro's night in playing Guitar Hero

'They say u haven't had a gasm until u gasm-ed in the middle of a riot.'

Meaningful bonding sesh with some bros.
Wishing our team had won.
But at the same time
Every1 wins
because our city threw down TONS of bloggable content

This is our town
We can totally eff it up if we want 2.

Are riots born from authentic societal angst?
Are Canadians naturally violent ppl? Or do they just rlly care abt hockey 2 much?
Does Vancouver seem like a 'beautiful city'?
What is the most authentic city in the Great Northwest: Portland, Vancouver or Seattle?

The Emergence of the USA BRO

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In the United States, soccer is the official sport of suburbia. More American kids play soccer than any other sport in the United States. There is tons of space in the suburbs of every city in America, which provides local communities with great opportunities to build decent facilities to host youth games every weekend.

White parents want their children to be successful. Realistically, most white Americans have no chance to become a professional athlete, since African Americans have a superior blood line. These premium African American athletes often choose to play football and basketball, the sports which represent 'making the most bank' and 'becoming the most famous', mainly based on 'how many commercials ur in' and 'how many sweet highlights u end up in on SportsCenter.' (Note: Many white journalists 'hold this against African American atheletes for chasing 'impure' glory.)

While many American bros enjoy the spirit of the mainstream sports of basketball, football, and even Yankees/Red Sox baseball, there is no purer American Sport for the modern bro than the sport of soccer. A generation of bros has grown up 'playing soccer' but not necessarily knowing how to consume it in a professional / international context. Most Americans don't even really have a local league/website/tv station from which to consume the standard drama + newsbits + controversy on a daily basis

USABROS have been searching for other USABROS since after the 1994 World Cup in the United States. After that local World Cup, USA bros gained a 'global perspective', understanding that there was a 'whole nother world out there', beyond the traditional 'trapped in their lives' Americans who watched mainstream/weekend sports (NFL, NASCAR, college football, March Madness, golf, etc). The USABRO 'narrowly' escaped the overmarketing of extreme sports, which involved stoners on surf boards / snow boards /motorbikes doing 'retarded ass tricks' in front of Mountain Dew billboards.

The USABRO is just looking for a 'breakout' opportunity every 4 years. Every World Cup since 1990, USABROS have been growing. USABROS are searching for justification with their lives': WHY did they play soccer all those years? Was it because they were athletically inferior to the African Americans who ran them off the football/basketball teams in high school? Was it because their parents wanted them to bond in a team/group environment? Was it because their parents had expendable income to pay for an overpriced trainer who wasn't really qualified, but had a sweet foreign accent? Was it because they were a part of 'something bigger than themselves'?

The USABRO has been marinating for the past 20 years, born from the ashes of the downfall of the American family. The emergence of the 'soccer mom' in the 1990s wasn't really just a 'pop culture cliche buzzword'--it was the bond that was formed between a mother and a son after the downfall of the Babyboomer Father Figure. Mothers and sons shared long drives to the outskirts of the suburbs every weekend to play in meaningful soccer teams. For many American bros, the first spirit of 'true bro' was born on 'the pitch' [via the 'soccer field'].

In the modern United States, soccer never has really had a legitimate professional league that warranted national attention. Americans don't have the technical skill, the history, or the analytical skill to consume 'soccer.' Old news hacks have found comfort in 'hating' on soccer, since they really couldn't identify with it. 'Sports' are a product/way of life that you learn how to consume from your father. Gen Xers and Baby Boomers had alcoholic fathers yelling at black and white TVs, watching baseball, Larry Bird, and other white man games on television. This father was 'not present' in many Gen Y lives', leading USABROS to emerge,

Popular Generation X writer Chuck Klosterman wrote in his book Sex Drugs and Cocoa Memes that soccer was 'bullshit' and made tons of pre-blog era snarky arguments about 'why soccer sucked' and 'was for pussies.' It seemed like a 'funny take' in the pre-blog era, but an entire generation of 'pussies' was born. Now Generation Y is 'growing up', and they are 'searching for their justification.' They want to reconnect with nostalgic images of youth, back when 'youth soccer' was all they had. Back when they actually had a symbiotic relationship with their parents, before they started 2 resent them.

To the rest of the world, "soccer" isn't even a real word. It is a word that America made up for no good reason.

But to USABROS, 'soccer' means even more than 'football.' It's not just a sport that is attached to the livelihood of an entire country. 'Soccer' is an idea that one day we'll understand why 'we' exist as American bros. There are so many different types of bros in the world, but many are happy 'just being bros', not really searching for anything more than a nice pair of breasts and a vagina to keep their penis hard and warm.

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Every time the United States scores a meaningful goal, I feel a strong connection with USABROS all across the United States.

The USABRO didn't really know who they were or why they existed until the success of the United States National Team during the 2002 World Cup in South Korea. As young bros, many pre-formative USABROS spent many weekends forging connections with fellow soccer bros, traveling to tournaments in different cities, trying to become the best player/team possible seemed 'irrelevant' since the NFL and NBA are 'the most popular/best branded sports in the United States.'

The USABRO is a micro-phenomenon, only understood by true USABROS. USABROS have turned to the internet to 'connect' with other USABROS, consuming soccer news from leagues and countries across the world as aggressively as other people follow pop culture / celeb gossip / indie buzzbands. If the United States became a 'soccer nation' (after the USA wins the World Cup in 0-1000 years), 'soccer' will probably be 'gobbled up' by the same cliches and impurities that have ruined other sports. But for now, soccer belongs to the USABRO. Understanding our triumphs (which mean nothing to the rest of the world), and understanding our national identity in a global context.

The broternity of USABROS is a special one. More powerful than the spirit of youth sports. Channeling the authentic bond formed between a son and his mother.


Sitting at home
in my mother's house
unemployed (but she still loves me and makes me a hearty meal every night)
watching the World Cup
on our flat screen HD TV
Following along with my laptop,
monitoring twitter trending topics
(twitter gives gives me reassurance that a world exists outside of Middle America)

If the USA wins
this means more than anything
more pure than any American professional sports championship
There is a reason my mom was a soccer mom
There is a reason why I was a soccer bro

If the United States wins the World Cup
My existence as a USABRO has meaning

Old Navy Flag t-shirts
are more than just a 'personal branding decision'

What is nationalism? A sense of bro-ness with your bros.
What is patriotism? Knowing that you and your bros are better than any other bros in the entire world.
What is capitalism? Knowing u and ur bros are gonna make 'mad bank' one day (possibly even just 'metaphorically').

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What is the spirit of the American Bro? A need 2 understand 'why' you were put on this Earth as an American bro, with a life that seems 'easy/chill', but still lacks the mainstream meaning that u r searching for. American success in an evolving niche sport might be the only thing that can make the modern bro feel like they are on this Earth to do more than just 'spend time on their laptops.'

I want to understand suburbia.
I want to understand the downfall of the modern American male.
I want to understand 'why' soccer moms existed in the 1990s.
I want to the impurity of professional sports to manifest themselves as the Americans capture 'glory' in the World Cup.
I want to accept my limitations as an inferior genetic specimen and root for American soccer players, as opposed to LeBron James.
I want a spirit of bro to come over me which is understood by only a small sect of American bros.

Every 4 years, the USABRO has an opportunity to be 'more than just a bro.' Most likely, the spirit of the USABRO will be crushed. However, what bonds the USABROS 2gether is 'the chance' that 1 day being a USABRO will provide the meaningful universal/national outcome that most bros can't cultivate out of 'just getting married to some dumb slut and popping out a few kids.' USABROS need to know that there is a reason we all drove to the outskirts of suburbia to chase a ball around in some 'boring' game that 'is hated' by 'the majority of Americans.'

I'm proud to be a USABRO.

Who did Tiger Woods let down more: black ppl or white ppl?


I have always been a huge fan of the human brand known as Tiger Woods. Before Tiger Woods, I didn't even know that golf was a sport worth watching, but then TigBro came along, and taught us what it meant to be a champion. We were compelled by this Dark Knight [via Heath] transcending the game. He established himself as a global/personal brand.

This post is brought 2 u by Buick.

Tiger Woods 'crushed' all of his white competitors on the PGA tour, much like most African Americans do in all other sports. Whether is is Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson, Usain Bolt, Pele, LeBron James, or Hammering Hank Aaron, it is important to note that athletes with African descent have a higher athletic ceiling. Even though I have done no genetic research, I feel like this is a fair assumption. (I feel like most white talking head sports writers will say that they 'got athletic training during the slave era', but I am not going to make that argument.) From what I understand, many of the white athletes who have historical relevancy (like Babe Ruth) were able to dominate all-white leagues, back before professional sports were de-segregated.


The truth is that White Men Can't Jump, at least not as high as Africans/African Americans. White consumers enjoy watching African Americans dominate white people on the playing field--probably some sort of manifestation of 'white guilt.'


Golf seems to be a sport for rich, white people. Older people who can't really expend energy doing cardiovascular exercise, so they opt for a game where you can drive around in a car, drink alcoholic beverages, and spend all day with your bros. Sorta like a 'rich man's bowling.' I am not sure how long a game of golf even lasts, so it seems like a good excuse you could use to leave your wife's presence for 8-14 hours. I feel proud of Tiger for being able endear himself to this demographic of men. These men are the most lucrative consumer demographic, with way more money to blow than 'Gen Y' and 'tweens.' Even though those groups are good at 'adopting trends', they are usually limited by their parent's mediocre income. GolfPlayingBros drop mad bank on goods+services.

I think sports that require tons of 'gear' tend to deter African Americans from playing them. The barriers to entry are too high for innercity kids who will use their natural athletic gifts & status frustration to launch them into multimillion dollar pro sports careers. For example, in sports like golf and baseball, you have clubs, helmets, bats, specific shoes, and a specialized facility that. Sports like basketball and soccer are better for poor people, since you just need a ball, and facilities are more flexible.

This post is brought 2 u by Gillette: The best a man can get.

This is why we love Tiger Woods. He is an African-American+miscellaneous other races, without all of the baggage of traditional coloured athletes. He didn't come from 'the streets', he is more of a suburbia bro whose dad glued a golf club to his hand when he was 3 years old. All grown men wish they had dads who did more to train them to become a professional athlete--the most fulfilling profession for a man, since you excel financially, physically, and you reap the rewards of fame. Tiger Woods is a truly great bro, excelling at a level that normal societal spectators can only watch. All we can do is purchase products that were endorsed by great people to feel close them [via Lance Armstrong LIVESTRONG bracelet theory].

This post is brought 2 u by Nike's 'I Am Tiger Woods' campaign, promoting Tiger Woods+Golf 2 kids
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But I feel kinda bad now that he cheated on his wife with tons of whores. I feel like this white world that he conquered has turned his back on him. No longer is he a white person with black skin who white people are comfortable letting into their metaphorical club house. He is now 'just another black person', doing 'stuff that black ppl do.' From what I understand, most professional athletes frequent strip clubs and cheat on their wives'. Some even fight dogs and murder people. Seems like we are jealous of Tiger's 'bad ass life.'

This post is brought 2 u by EA Sports: It's in the Game.

I feel bad when society turns their back on a black athlete. It seems like we enable their dream worlds, and are generally comfortable ones where they can 'do whatever the fuck they want, as long as they promise to perform when it counts.' But maybe that's the downside of Tiger's evolution into a human brand. Instead of seeing him as 'just another black athlete', we see him as a representative of corporate america, some1 who we expect to 'have values' or something. Seems unreasonable, sorta like the idea of 'marriage.'


Tiger seems like a 'pimp bawla', some1 who wants 2 win at everything. Whether it is a game of golf, or a game of 'banging the hottest skanks on the planet, having the most insane fuckfests in the world fucked up on drugs and alcohol', we shouldn't hold that against Tiger. He is Tiger Woods. He is a champion. He is also dealing with 'entering his middle ages', so it seems reasonable that he should have 1 last series of 'sexual conquests' before he enters his twilight. It seems like men can focus on being 'good fathers' when they are between 45-Death.

If I were a skank, I would love the opportunity to 'get hammered' by Tiger Woods.

Like you could really 'get banged' by a true champion, instead of the same loser bro who thinks he is 'fucking rich/hot/special,' and that he is the one doing you a favor by giving u the opportunity to sleep with him.

Wonder if Tiger's Wife, Elin, misled him. Maybe she used to be 'down2fuck', but then ended up being this 'woman who just wanted to export children from her vagina.'

Even thought marriage is a 'lifelong vow', I feel like this vow doesn't always apply to people who experience levels of joy that are way better than 'finding solace in a relationship.' I feel like relationships are used to combat feelings of solitude, or like people who are 'afraid to die alone.' Tiger is not afraid of these feelings--he has conquered them. He lives life at a high level, choosing to do what he wants. He is not a 'lost soul' or a 'fallen star', Tiger Woods knew what he was doing, and the 'media controversy' was worth it to him. It seems like the most difficult part of this whole ordeal is probably telling his wife that she was never really that important to him, he just wanted to 'win' her. Not sure if I would care if a black man cheated on a black woman. Seems like it is 'wrong' for a black man to betray the honor of a white woman.

This post is brought 2 u by Accenture Consulting Services.

Tiger Woods may or may not be able to 'love' other people. Tiger Woods loves himself at a championship level, something most humans will never be able to do. We are too busy with insecurities, doubting ourselves, never reaching our full potential. We end up sitting on the couch, masturbating to pornography, while Tiger Woods is out there banging porn stars. Women with huge, fake tits, bouncing in his face like a champion. Pulling out, giving them a load of semen on their face that only a true champion could deliver.

This post is brought 2 u by Tag Heuer: Do yall know what time it is?

It is unfair for the white world to turn their back on Tiger. Tons of people cheat on their wives' every day with women who they don't love, but love to have sex with. I feel like they have used this incident to act like cheating is 'something that black people do because they are subhuman, closer to animals.' It is unfair for them to do this to Tiger after everything he has represented to them. I feel like men need to 'rally around' Tiger, letting him know that we support him as a bro, and just want him to be happy and do bad ass things, in and out of the bedroom/golf course.

What will be the most difficult issue 4 Tiger Woods' kids to deal with as they grow up?

a) being a 'mixed-race' kid
b) dealing with their father's 'man-skank' personal brand
c) they will have no problems, since they are rich.

I wonder if black people 'relate to' Tiger Woods. It seems like they would like to relate to him, since he is great, but he plays a game that they don't think is 'cool'/important 2 them. Wonder if the African American community would rally around him, or do they only rally around white-ish black people like Barry Obama, since he was going to be put into a position of 'mad crazy power.' Feel like if white people turn their back on Tiger, he will truly be left in a colourless purgatory.

This post is brought 2 u by Cadillac

I feel sad that Tiger 'took a break from the game.' I feel like he should have announced his 'retirement' to make the whole world value him more/understand how important he is. It would also make his wife feel guilty/special that he gave up his God-given gift 'for her', even though it was just a hiatus. She probably took for granted the fact that he 'made mad bank'--maybe he deserved to have a lil bit of fun [via 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas']. She wasn't prepared to be in a relationship with a winner. Kinda like how Michael Jordan can't enjoy life/simple pleasures since he was once 'the greatest in the world.'

Tiger Woods will come back, and he will be 'great.' We will 'forget' about his 'transgressions', just as long as he wins some tourneys, makes companies some bank, and then hugs his wife and cries. Then he can divorce her 6-18 months afterwards, and live the life he wants to live, banging as many 'freaky ass bitches' as possible. We want Tiger to live the life that he wants to live. He can produce great moments 4 us. He can be a solid brand ambassador for us.

Let's just let Tiger be Tiger. We could learn a lot from him.

Tiger Woods is a champion. Tiger Woods is a winner. Tiger Woods is black/AZN/pacific islander.

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I am Tiger Woods. (Rlly wish I could be Tiger Woods).

'Get in the hole.'
-a bro

Previous Black Athlete Coverage

http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2009/09/MICHAEL-VICK-KILLS-DOGS.html
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2009/09/LEBRON-JAMES.html

Is it ALT 2 watch the Super Bowl?

Yall, today is the Super Bowl. Not sure how I should feel about it. Sports are kinda mainstream, especially the NFL. I don't know if I am supposed to be into sports to 'identify with people' and 'carry on conversations with the mainstreamers in my life', or if I should Rage Against The Society's Norms. Kinda confused--I want 2 fit in, but I don't want to be 'just another brick in the wall.' h8 how there's all these commercials that are trying to 'appeal 2 me' and 'make me laugh' and 'identify with the product/brand.' Kinda prefer to just read blog posts about 'the best Super Bowl commercials' the day after.

(Do people outside of the USA watch the Super Bowl to be 'alt'?)

I think the Super Bowl is kinda tyte because there's 'cultural' stuff that happens which pushes the limits of society's norms and federal standards of decency. I remember that time that Justin "Fuck Society" Timberlake and Janet "Sweet Tittie" Jackson had that lil "wardrobe malfunction." It was like the meme of the year that year because 'every1 saw it.'

I wonder what would be the ultimate 'think piece' during the Super Bowl. Wish there were more performances that 'pushed the limits of our society' instead of bringing out old rocknrollers to have a conservative + inspiring message. Wish there was more nudity at the Super Bowl, yall!

Should I accidentally get too 'beer drunk' with my bros during the Super Bowl and accidentally have my first bromosexual experience with them?

HIPSTER RUNOFF's SUPER BOWL PICK

John Alt 45 - Pittsburgh Steelers 0
John Alt: Super Bowl MVP


Previous Sports coverage

http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/08/the-worlds-most-alternative-athletes.html

(miss yall)

The World’s Most Alternative Athletes

In the spirit of the Olympics, I figured I should try to find out who the world's ALT-est athletes are. Athletes aren't just people who play sports. They have personalities, too. While most are just the typical ass holes who probably just 'listen to hiphop to get pumped up before games', some athletes display that they exist in a different world than the rest of the cliched professional athlete fraternity.

I want to support the alt-est athletes in the world.

It might be Steve Nash and Thierry Henry.

But Steve Nash also has a bro-mance with Baron Davis.

It might be Cristiano Ronaldo since he is orange and has a fauxhawkmullet.

But Kobe Bryant drives a Delorean and grew up in Italy. That's pretty authentic.

Fernando Valenzuela was significant to the Mexis/southern Californians. He was the first person to ever wear a Dodger cap.

Even David Beckham wears Dodger caps now

Is it alt to play American soccer + live in Los Angeles?

Dennis Rodman had a pretty krazie personal brand. He also banged Madonna.

Alex Rodriguez also banged Madonna. Does that make him alt?

Kerri Strug might be a lil alt.

Was Tonya Harding ALT before or after she got THICK? Is it okay to call mean people 'fatties'?

Greg Louganis was GHEY and he hit his head on the diving board. That was around when people didn't 'get' AIDs so it was kind of a big deal. Glad I live in educated, tolerant times.

Brian Boitano was also a GHEY Olympic icon. Wonder if China lets their athletes be 'gay.'

Rafael Nadal wears capri pants.

Michael Phelps was pretty alt when he had his post-post-ironic mainstream moustache.

Without a moustache, he is just an awkward freak bodied boy.

What about NBA player Kyle Korver. He looks like a caveman had a baby with Ashton Kutcher.

Ron Artest is pretty zany!

Remember the time he was so alt that he attacked white people in the stands?
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuPBbKCW1no&hl=en&fs=1]

Barry Bonds is pretty authentic for using roids.

Mike Tyson got a sillie face tatty! Such a sillie, African-American personal brand!

Cuba Gooding Jr. won over the hearts of America when he was an athlete in that movie.

But the cast of the SANDLOT was pretty alt. They wore vintage clothing.

Remember that time Michael Vick raised all of those dogs to fight other dogs? He's chillin in jail, makin friends and stuff.
<3 pet owners <3
pet owners = authentic

Sprinters with no legs are pretty meaningful-core. Pretty authentic.

I think this specific pair of Air Jordans are pretty alt.

No1 likes the Spurs and they are better than every1 else. Does that make them 'hipster' according to the commonly accepted definion?

The Williams Sisters are fashion icons. They used 2 cheat to let 1 another win.

WHO IS THE ALT-EST ATHLETE IN THE WORLD?
IS IT MAINSTREAM TO 'ENJOY THE OLYMPICS'?
Do u care about ur country?

N e ways... how about the Opening Ceremonies? They were designed so well. I minored in performance art, so I genuinely appreciate stuff like that.

What's more important: sports or music?
Which industry will die first: sports or music?
When will people believe that they are entitled to 'watching sports' for free?
When will people believe that they are entitled to 'experiencing music' for free?

My HARD HITTING opinion on the NFL's replacement refs.

This is a thinkpiece by Larry Kerby, a sportswriter, journalist, and contributor and managing contributing editor to many large sports websites on the web.

The NFL Replacement Refs: Doing their Best

by Larry Kerby

I remember when I played pop warner football, my dad never came to my games. In the championship game, he finally showed up. It was 4th and goal, I was lined up at tight end. The quarterback, who went on to play at Notre Dame, threw a pass my way. I dropped it. It was well thrown, and I woulda caught that ball nine out of 10 times. But this time, I dropped the ball.

So has Roger Goddell and the NFL when it comes to the fiaso debacle that are NFL replacement referees. They have dropped the ball for the fans who just wanna have a Bud Light and watch the pigskin being thrown around on Sunday.

But at the same time, the replacement refs are trying their best. They are getting better. I remember my first job, working at Wendy's. One man ordered a double cheeseburger. As a young cook, I was still nervous when every order came in, worried because my job was on the line and I could be replaced at any moment. Unfortunately, the order came in perfectly, but I dropped the patty. I sent out a SINGLE cheeseburger.

But people make mistakes. I dropped the ball once, and I dropped the patty once. I'm still a good person, go to church most Sundays, and try to send my parents money when I can, just so they can have a nice meal on me. The replacement refs aren't any different.

That Wendy's manager did fire me eventually because I broke the Frosty machine. And I never played football again because my father told me I was a horrible football player even though he only came to one game.

I guess if you really think about it, there's a little bit of replacement ref in all of us. They are doing it for the love of the game. Not for the money, the fame, or for the betting scandals.

I've dropped the patty. I've dropped the ball. In the words of my pastor, "What would baby Jesus do?" He would forgive me, the refs, and all of us for the mistakes we've made.

As for now, I'm going to go play catch with my son who now plays football for all the right reasons, then go to WEndy's and eat a double cheeseburger, in order to confront my demons.

I'm finally happy now.
I'm finally happy now.

This is a thinkpiece by Larry Kerby, a sportswriter, journalist, and contributor and managing contributing editor to many large sports websites on the web.

Twin Shadow's George Lewis Jr. wins a bronze medal at the London Summer Olympics


Twin Shadow has a new album out, but did you know that he is also an Olympic gymnast for the 2012 team currently representing Great Britain. Widely regarded as one of the ultimate hunks of Indie, George Lewis Jr. has some crossover appeal now that he is showing off his, BANGIN BOD, complete with RIPPED muscles and a SOLID core that can keep him pummel horsing BBs in any area code he wants.

I'd let him play with MY parallel bars!
He could do a floor exercise on me ANY day of the week!
He could DEF do a vault into bed and into my goodies whenever he wants!
I'd love to see him turn my _____ into a pair of still rings!

He is a man of so many looks, but he picked a TOTALLY HOT one for the Olympics...

Last night, Twin Shadbro won a bronze medal, which is a huge achievement because he split time between recording a new album touring, and training. This is widely considered one of the greatest achievements in both sport and indie.

You did it, Twin Shadbro. You did this one for indie.

R u amazed at this feat of sports?
Is he a hottie hunk?
IS George Lewis Jr. the most talented man in indie?
Did he deserve a gold medal?
Do u <3 or h8 the new album?
Do u <3 or h8 the new bronze medal?

Twin Shadow

Buzzband

Twin Shadow is the 2k10 buzzband buzz project of George Lewis Jr. His hit album FORGET is 'highly bloggable.'

Read more>>>>

George Lewis Jr

Alternative Celebrity

George Lewis Jr is the name of the bro whose buzzband is TWIN SHADOW.

Read more>>>>

Zooey Deschanel spotted canoodling with Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers

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Zooey Deschanel divorced Ben Gibbard because she was done using him for buzz. Then she had a rumored quirky, honky new post-Benny bf named Jamie Linden. Now it seems as though she has been spotted canoodling with Green Bay Packers Quarterback Jock Hottie Hunk Aaron Rogers. They appeared to be on a date on the stage of the Oscars of sports. I don't watch sports, but I didn't realize that awards weren't actually decided on the field, but instead by a series of votes from viewers like you. Sports don't matter... What matters is that Zo Zo can be happy with.

Do u think they make a good couple? They are DEF d8ing, right? They have GREAT chemistry! Both so funnie. :-)

It seems as though she is trying to 'pull a Giselle' by dating an elite NFL quarterback. Vicki's Secret Model Giselle Bunchden is married to Tom Brady, who is considered a hottie hunk. Aaron seems like a chill alt bro who just has a zany moustache and loves to bend his ladies over to show them whoze Da Boss.

I'm sure ZoZo thinks his lil moustache is whimsical. Hell, I'd let his lil moustache into my endzone ANY day of the week.

I can't believe ZoZo is moving so quickly, from guy 2 guy, especially after she decided to be a tomato soup hermit 4 a while who only talked to her celly phone. Maybe this honky didn't cut it after all.

Do u hope ZoZo is happie?
Has she finally found something more than tomato soup?
Does he have time 2 make her tomato soup?
Do u think he can dance around 2 "Shake, Rattle & Roll"?
Do u think he 'scored' a 'touchdown' [via 'in bed']?
Is he the jock she always wanted Ben 2 be [via him running in marathons post-breakup]?
Is Aaron Rodgers 'hot'/would u let him mount u?
Is he the alt-est player in the NFL or is the NFL too mnstrm?
Do u hope they can be happie 2gthr 4evr?

PREVIOUSLY

Zooey Deschanel has new boyfriend, quirky honky named Jamie Linden. Will Ben kill himself?

Some disgusting slob ate 68 hot dogs on the 4th of July

by the UlTiMaTe LaMeStReAmER!!!


I LOVE LOVE LOVE overeating! There's just something REALLY comforting abt it. U know what I mean?

Like whenever I'm feeling sad or alone, I'll DEFANATELY eat my feelings. I can't believe there is a CONTEST for eating food that is yummy! That's a sport I can DEFANATELY get behind! Maybe I can tryout for the team, but unfortunately, I was never encouraged to be athletic when I was young because my parents didn't want to buy equipment for youth sports. They weren't poor, but they just didn't want me to think that I could actually ever achieve anything. sometimes part of me wonders if they were right.

That hotdog looks YUMMY! That's how I eat them too! First the weiny then the bunny! #yum

I would LOVE to eat for a living. I mean, right now I pay for what I eat, but it would be nice if life was just buffet style and I got to really do my thang and get paid for it. I'd love to love what I do instead of working at some dumb office.

i honestly just want to feel like I accomplished something that people are proud of me for. you don't know what its like to live life with no one ever thinking you are great at anything.

I wanna eat hotdoggies! Pass the mustard, bb!

Hamburger who? #TeamHotDog

Brooklyn Nets unveil HOTTIE swag ass HIPSTER ALT cheerleaders!


The Brooklyn Nets are an NBA team that will start playing in Brooklyn, New York. They are owned by Jay-Z, so he is SUPER OBSESSED with ensuring that the team enables #SWAG and #VIP vibes. Their target market is the young, urban 20something hipster demographics. The team has unveiled a SWAG LOGO already, with TOTALLY ALT black and white colors... Now they have HIPSTER CHEERLEADERS!

Look at these effing hipster cheerleaders! They are SO Brooklyn! They probs just showed up from a DIY AnCo Concert!

Those are some TOTALLY HIPSTER diy dance moves. Come check out my studio in BUSHWICK. We are gonna be in the next Yeasayer/Das Racist video!

Yall should meet me to see that new buzzband, Hipsterettes!

Friggin hipsters! I'll bet their parents support them and they all use Apple products such as MacBook Pro and iPhone 4Gs! Livin off the trust fund, huh, ass holes? Get out of my coffee shop! #gentrified

The Brooklyn Nets are well on their way to being the ALT-est team in the NBA.

Do u think their cheerleaders are altbaguettes? Total alt hotties?
Is Brooklyn SO HIPSTER?
Do u think they are wise to market their team to '20something hipster millenials'?
Do these cheerleaders look 'hot' or 'swag'?
Are these cheerleaders 2 ALT 4 THEIR OWN GOOD?
Do u have an alt cheerleader fantasy?
Do u wish more buzzbands had cheerleaders?

African American Boxer Floyd Mayweather enslaves Justin Bieber, has him carry his belts

by the UlTiMaTe LaMeStReAmER!!!


Justin BB! What r u THINKING attending that boxing game with that BAD, BAD MAN??!?

Floyd Mayweather is a CONVICT and an ASS HOLE, just like my ex. He BEATS and INTIMIDATES his women, which is NOT RIGHT, and I am HAPPY that he is BEING SENT TO THE SLAMMER. If I were John Law, I'd LOCK HIM UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY. All he ever does is BRAG about how much MONEY he has, carrying around stacks and stacks. I honestly wish I had a huge stack of money, but I would put it in a BANK where it BELONGS, and maybe spend some of it on groceries at WalMart. I'd buy the expensive HEALTHY organic stuff for once. Ugh. I need to watch what I eat. I honestly just finished an entire bag of Cheetos, and as I type this, I am gettin CHEETO DUST all inside of my computer.

Justin BB! Don't become like Money Mayweather! He is such a butt hole bad person! I hope that Selena Gomez never suffers from JBieb 'going Chris Brown' on her. She is a princess and an angel and I'm glad she wasn't in harm's way during the Mixed Martial Arts fight. U should NOT be carrying his belts, with are just disgusting trophies of violence. Trust me--my ex used to be in a fighting and drive by shooting gang, resulting in a stray bullet being lodged in my brain right now. If it was 1 millimeter over, I would be DEAD.

What is Justin THINKING to be bronoodling with this FILTHY CONVICT? Boxing Martial Arts is a FILTHY sport and I do NOT support grown men beating eachother up. All I want to do is PROMOTE PEACE and make the world a BETTER PLACE.

Yall are NOT swag, especially u, Little Wayne!

#pray4Justin

Do nOT become a boxer, and you are NOT SWAG.
As far as I'm concerned, Justin Timberlake is STILL on TOP.

I filled out an NCAA Tournament bracket and it made me feel empty.


Some people I work with/go to college with/group of friends that I have decided it would be a good idea if we all 'filled out a bracket for the upcoming NCAA Tournament.' We would get together for some of the games, and drink cold ones. It would also give us the opportunity for us to publicly banter on one another's Facebook walls.

I had no idea who the teams were, but for some reason, I felt empowered as I began to fill out the bracket, as if I was going to guess every single one of them correctly. It didn't matter that I hadn't watched a college basketball game all season, I truly believed that I had 'the magic touch' that would some how impact reality. For some reason, I envisioned my friends being impressed with me, and the national media doing a story on how I was the only perfect bracket amongst millions.

That's just 'being a member of Generation Y' fucking with you.

Eventually, the tournament unfolded. A bunch of teams played eachother, and I got some of them right.

I got some of them wrong.

My bracket was 'busted' by an early upset of a high ranking team.

One of the #1 seeds that I picked made it 'all the way.'

I didn't really watch any of the games, and when I did, it seemed like a bunch of young people not knowing what they were doing. Some of the games were slow and boring, "Defensive battles." Others were crazy and hectic, but were equally unenjoyable. It was awkward to have to watch college basketball with random acquaintances as if I 'cared' about buzzer beaters, busted brackets, and random ass old white dudes who 'represented goodness in society' because they coach a group of young black men.

From what I understand, college basketball is just the 'minor league' system to the NBA, and the rest of the athletes drop out after they don't graduate. Nor are they paid for their participation in a multibillion dollar event like "March Madness." Colleges make me depressed because although I paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to attend one, I still find myself unhappy, unfulfilled, unskilled, and unenlightened.

I thought back to the level of empowerment that I felt when I filled out my bracket, thinking that I was some sort of college basketball God. I felt stupid and empty for even getting interested in college basketball. I am not interested in participating in some sort of lame, mainstream cultural event that mainstreamers themselves don't even care about.

I will never partake in March Madness ever again.

PREVIOUSLY
I AM THE MARCH MADNESS BRO

NBA buzz human meme Jeremy Lin has shitty taste in music [via Christian rap and rock]

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Jeremy Lin is one of the most buzzworthy human beings on the planet right now, saving a New York Knicks franchise that was headed straight to hell. Now, it seems like the AZN Sensation is the greatest NBA player since Michael Jordan and every one loves him and we should have been praying for a 'Great Yellow Hype' instead of a 'Great White Hype.' Since he is a Tebow-level sports Christian meme, every1 is trying to harvest relatable content about him. It also helps that he gives 'non-blacks' hope that they can play in the NBA one day if they just 'pray hard enough.'

He did some video with FUSE TV, which is easily the saddest of cable TV music networks, especially after Time Warner cable 'axed' them from their forced-on-consumers bundle. Not sure why, but they were like 'Yo bro. Tell us what kind of swag rap music or cool alt rock that u like!' Lin responded with, "Check out these terrible Christian bands." It seems as thought Jeremy Lin is a true child of got that does not have time for secular, devil music.

Here is a crappy Christian rap song by LeCrae that Jeremy Lin probably listens 2 in order to get pumped up to 'dunk on soft ass black dudes.'

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Here is a song that 'mellows him out' by Hillsong. It looks like this was filmed at some crazy, upscale megachurch cult.

</embed>

After listening to some of his recommendations, it is clear that he is an insane Christian, truly devoted to God. I guess that's chill if God blessed him with 'mad balling ability.'

Do u think u might 'go Christian' 2 be rewarded with a God given gift?
Can Lecrae become the next big negro indie buzz rapper?
Is Jeremy Lin 'an effing dork'?
Would u expect some one who was edumacated at Harvard to beLIEve the scientific evidence that there is no god?
Is Lecrae the next big indie negro buzzrapper?
Do u <3 Jeremy Lin?

</embed>

Does Jeremy Lin's taste in music make him 'soft'?
Can Jeremy Lin take down 'the corrupt swag machine' that is created between Professional Athletes and rappers?
Are people who listen to Christian music 'legit insane'?
Can Jeremy Lin replace David Robinson/Kyle Korver as the most Christian softy in the NBA?

Brooklyn Poet Tao Lin leads New York Knicks in scoring, rejuvinates fallen NBA franchise


The New York Knicks are a franchise that is in serious peril. After luring high priced free agents Carmelo Anthony and Amere Stoudemire, head coach Mike D'Antoni has failed to find a point guard that could run his system of organized chaos. It seems like they have turned to NBA-journeyman and Brooklyn author/poet Tao Lin in order to save the franchise. Lin has been putting up great numbers in his first two games.

Going nowhere all season without a real point guard, the Knicks turned to Lin on Saturday against New Jersey, and he delivered 25 points. He was even better in this one in front of a crowd that again chanted his name much of the night, adding a career-best eight assists.

He made the biggest basket of a game, a desperation 3-pointer with the shot clock winding down and 1:58 remaining that gave the Knicks a 95-86 lead. He previously converted two three-point plays in the period, the latter pushing the lead to 10 with 4:29 left.

He did have eight turnovers, surely influenced by fatigue while playing 45 minutes, but D'Antoni was going to keep riding him.

"I'm riding him like freakin' Secretariat," D'Antoni said.

Should Mike D'Antoni limit Lin's minutes?
Is Lin being 'rode' like Secretariat?

Lin has done his best to create wide open shots for teammates with his dribble-penetration. Here is him avoiding the swat of a Utah Jazz player.

Here he is with his roommate, Landry Fields (Stanford graduate), whose couch he has been crashing on because of his limited income as an alternative author.

Tao Lin is taking the NY area by storm. Lin has been humble, despite the buzz.

"Basketball's so fun when you play on a team where people want to work together and work through tough times and overcome them and have victories like this," Lin said. "This one was ugly and we lost a couple of players, but this team has a lot of will."

Lin's story has inspired the NY-based Asian-American community to rally around his success story.

He is an inspiration to all AZNs who want to be 'baller ass NBA players' every where.

D'Antoni decided to start Lin, the first American-born NBA player of Chinese or Taiwanese descent, earlier Monday, and the position could be his for a while. Baron Davis, the expected starter when he becomes available, revealed that an infected right elbow had recently caused him to stop his workouts and it is unknown when he will resume practicing. D'Antoni said it would probably be a week to 10 days from the time he returns to practice to when he's ready to play in games.

Is Tao Lin 'balling over all'?
Can Tao Lin have a more lucrative career as an NBA player than as an inspiration to 'kids who can't write good' internet generation?
Could u watch Ballin Ass Tao Lin highlights 'all day'?

What part of his game does he need to improve?
Can the Knicks save their season with Lin at the point guard?
Should they 'cut' Baron Davis and ride the pass-first point guard Lin?
Should the Knicks fire D'Antoni?
Should AZNs 'not be allowed' to be good at sports since they are 'already good at school'?
Do u h8 AZNs who think that they are 'streetball legends' at your local gym/pickup games and drive 2fast2furious rice rockets and fire ill-advised three pointers against the flow of the game?
Is Tao Lin the king of New York, stealing all the buzz away from the NY Giants's Super Bowl Victory?

Swag Alt Chill Bros join NBA team Dallas Mavericks, chill super hard on the bench

</embed>

Chill Bros
Can Chill Anywhere
Swaggin Out
Vibing

We are at the pinnacle of bro
The apex of swag
The swaggacle swagpex of swag bros
These bros are us

How hard can u chill?
Chilling straight on 2 an NBA roster
Vibing on the bench
Broing down a Sugar Free Red Bull and Vodka

Can u chill with the pro bros 82 games a year?
U think this is a chill, but u have no idea
Haters need not apply
Because yall already turned yalls swag off

Oh! The Swagsanity
Of 2 bros knowing how 2 chill harder than any1 on the planet
Vibing in designer jean jackets
Courtside is 4 straight pussie
Join the team

#PJs -private jets
#HT - hashtags
#CBs - ChillBros
#SABANGS - Swag Ass Bros Ain't Neva Gonna Stop

They see me trending
They h8ing
Trying 2 catch me chillin drrty
Chillin so hard it must be illegal

Praying 4 Metta World Peace
He h8 me
As Swag As It Gets
U can take the Bro out of Antarctica
But u can't take the Chill Bro out of the Bro

getting on the #g6 #pj
chillin all round da world
transcending area codes, time zones, zip codes
U think u swag, but u have no chill-dea

Swag. We Out.

No Questions. Just answers.

Alt Soccer Coach Jose Mourinho is on the cover of Rolling Stone


Jose Mourinho is widely known as 'the alt-est' and the most authentic soccer coach in the world. It seems as though soccer has 'finally arrived' in America now that he is on the cover of Rolling Stone. Mourinho is widely referred to as 'The Special One', having coached Porto, Chelsea, Inter Milian, and Real Madrid to championship upon championship, becoming both the Arcade Fire and the Kanye West of soccer. Mourinho is better than every coaching great, from Vince Lombardi to Phil Jackson to Joe Paterno to Coach K to Greg Popovich to Jim Boheim to Herm Edwards to Tiger Woods old caddie.

Jose Mourinho was named the Rock Star of the year. I am not sure if he launched a buzzband or if he just embodies the rockstar lifestyle.

Oh wait, this is from Rolling Stone Spain [via Espana].

Is Jose Mourinho the alt-est/greatest coach ever?
What was Jose Mourinho's greatest coaching job ever?
Should Jose Mourinho coach the US National team?
Has the Klinsmann experiment 'gone down the shitter'?
Did David Beckham 'save' soccer in America?
Who will win the 2014 World Cup?
Do u read spanishwave magazines?

Who is the biggest hipster in the NBA?


Any altbro who vibes to sports always wants 2 know 'who is the biggest hipster in the NBA?' In the past several years, we've witnessed blipster culture invade the NBA. No longer are they just vibing to hiphop culture. Instead, they want to be swag ass blipsters. Since there is a lockout, and there are no games 2 overanalyze, bloggers are 'effing desperate' to create content, which is why some talking head bros took it upon themselves 2 figure out 'who is the biggest hipster in the NBA?'

James Harden?

Baron Davis seems alt.

Matt Bonner seems like he chills pretty hard with buzzbands.

Do u feel like u finally know who the 'biggest hipster' in the NBA is?
Will there ever be an 'indie lockout'? Or a 'blogger lockout'?
Can an athlete truly be alt?
Who is the alt-est athlete in the world?
Do NBA players know what a 'true hipster' is?

Zooey Deschanel ruins our blessed country's national anthem at the World Series

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If there's one thing we know about Zooey Deschanel, it's that she's one of the worst singers on the planet. Some how, record label executives found a way to market her froggy voices to girls who only care that female singers look like fashion icons. She has a new show on FOX, which is also the home of the World Series. Because I am under the age of 40, I had to use wikipedia to find out what 'The World Series' was, and it apparently is a baseball game or something. Zooey went 2 sing the national anthem. Of course, she completely tanked, disgracing our great nation.

This is truly a dark day 4 America... It seems like Zooey made a 'complete mockery' of our great nation, even 'making fun of' patriotism by wearing a keut red dress.

She sounds even worse than Roseanne Barr's rendition of the same song.

</embed>

Is Zooey Deschanel 'addicted 2 fame'?
Does she care abt our country, or just becoming famous and making mad $$$$?
Do u watch baseball?
Is baseball 'so lamestream' that it might be alt? or just b0ring?
Is baseball 'the James Blake of sports' [via being boring]?
Who is going 2 win the World Series?
Did she 'kill it' or 'tank'?

VIDEO: Win Butler plays basketball against alt NBA Legend Matt Bonner, gets his ass kicked


Win Butler is rumored to be the greatest basketball player in indie. His size and aggression make him tough to handle in any pickup game. However, is he so invincible against premium NBA players like Matt Bonner? He has been seen bronoodling with the Arcade Fire before [link]. Anyways, they participated in some sort of 'charity basketball game', but eventually just turned into ball hogs, didn't pass to their teammates, then acted like it was a 1-on-1 tournament, only defending one another and driving from coast-to-coast. After the game, they talked like they were the only ppl there.

What do u think of Win Butler's game in the video? Do u think u could shut him down? Can he really hit a contested jumpshot? If Win Butler 'gave up' the Arcade Fire, could he be the 12th man on an NBA team?

What started as a charity basketball tournament in Toronto ended as an epic grudge match between Arcade Fire’s Win Butler and San Antonio Spurs forward Matt Bonner. Find out who won, who lost, and who dunked on a girl.

Does Win look good in his sleeveless shirt? Does he seem like a tough matchup? Does he seem like a nightmare pickup-game teammate?

Is Matt Bonner still the alt-est player in the NBA or is he still behind Steve Nash / Delonte West / [miscellaneous white guy] / Metta World Peace?

Were u impressed by Win Butler?
Is he a mainstream bro?
Should he try out 4 the NBA?
Is his basketballing talent being wasted writing Grammy-award winning indie songs?
Do u wish Regine showed up 2 show off her WNBA-wave skills?
Do u wish Regine showed up in a lil steampunk cheerleading outfit, like she wears on stage?
Do u think u could beat Win Butler? What would be ur gameplan?

Matt Bonner

Alternative Celebrity

Matt Bonner is an NBA player for the San Antonio Spurs. He is known 4 being a huge fan of indie music, and hangs out with alt celebs.

Lists: athletes
Read more>>>>

Win Butler

Alternative Celebrity

Win Butler is the lead singer bro of the Arcade Fire. He is married 2 some girl in his band named Regine. He is from Houston TX but now claims 2 be from Canada.

Read more>>>>

Arcade Fire

Buzzband

The Arcade Fire is a 2k0s indie band that went mainstream because their songs sound like meaningful anthems. They pretend to be Canadian but Win Butler (lead singer) is actually from Houston, TX.

Read more>>>>

S000 Many celebs at the US Open! Jay-Z! Beyonce! Justin Timberlake! #jealous!

by the UlTiMaTe LaMeStReAmER!!!


OMG! Jay-Z is the BEST bf bc he actually takes his wife out in public AND he got her pregnant. I was married to a man for a short time, but he was actually a foreigner who was just USING me to get a green card. He said he'd pay me $4000 to wed him, but then he pretended to fall in <3 with me, just to get out of paying. It turns out he SUED me in the divorce, and now I am PAYING HIM $200 / month for car insurance.

He never took me out in public, which makes me sad. I wish I was dating Justin Timberlake. He likes to go out. I'll bet he would even explain ALL the rules to me. I KNOW I would like sports, just no1 has ever explained it all 2 me . :-(

I wanna rock ur body, bb! U DEFANATELY don't need ur sexy back... u ALREADY HAVE IT!

I LOVE ARI FROM ENTORAGE. He is honestly the hottest Jew, and he LOVES his wife... but at the same time... he is VERY MEAN to that little gay azn man. I hope he grows a heart one day.

Andy Samberg is a hipster hottie, too!

OMG funny man ben Stiller! I need a man who will MAKE ME LAUGH... but he married the hottie MARSHA BRADY from the Brady Bunch. I wish I had a perfect family. Most men hate dating me because of my deep psychological issues that deal with my parents and my estranged half-siblings.

OMG! the old man from 30 Rock From the Sun! I love that show! #TeamFrenchStewart! #JasonGordonLevitt4evr!

I hope 1 day some1 takes me to a tennis tourney. I want to learn how to play! It seems like a FUN way to burn off some calories, but my calves are really swollen with waterweight, so i will probably just keep playing pingpong sitting down. :-(

Yay 4 sports! I LOVE connecting with guy interests because it makes them <3 me more.

#TeamTennis!

Bon Iver responds 2 'the haterz' with a cryptic message. Scared.


As yall probably know, Bon Iver has some sort of blog on his website where he goes on emotional tirades, complains abt things, and openly yearns 4 a better career. Earlier this week, he 'got into a tiff' with MTV by saying that the VMAs were totally lame. [link] It was a pretty entry-level take, and every1 'lost their shit' abt it, getting blogged abt far and wide. Unfortunately, it inspired a new wave of h8, and ppl are all like, "Eh... not 2 crazy abt Bon Iver. His music is kinda boring, yall!"

he seems to have sent out a message, "to the h8rz." It is a cryptic message, and we may never know what it means. We may never understand the troubled soul that is Justin Vernon.

The image seems to convey Rafael Nadal biting a trophy, which seems to be his championship gimmick.

I suppose Bon Iver is trying to say 'I'M ALREADY ON TOP, BITCHES! FUCK ALL OF U INDIE FGGTS! U CANT BRING ME DOWN. YES, I WROTE A TERRIBLE SONG WITH JAMES BLAKE THAT FEATURED AN OWL HOOTING, BUT I'M STILL BON IVER, AND U CAN GO EFF URSELF.'

EFF U! EFF EVERY1! IM BON IVER. HOOT HOOT HOOT.

Do u think Bon Iver is 'cocky'?
Is he the champion of indie?
Does Bon Iver only excel on the metaphorical clay courts of indie?
Are u more into Roger Federer/Novak Djokovic?
Are u a Bon Iver h8r?
What do u think of his response?
Does this mean his midwestern cottage got DirectTV so that he can watch the US Open?
R u scared of his cryptic mssg?

Bon Iver

Alternative Celebrity

Bon Iver is a bearded man from a Midwestern forest who sounds like Bruce Hornsby and once collab-ed with Kanye West.

Read more>>>>

Arcade Fire sings "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Chicago Cubs game

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On Saturday, Will Butler and Marika Anthony-Shaw sang "Take Me Out To the Ball Game" at a Chicago Cubs game. U know know who they are? Oh yea, they are some of the least famous members of the popular band the Arcade Fire. I guess the entire band thought this opportunity was too meaningless/trivial to show up. I feel kinda sad because Win Butler and Regine Chassagne didn't show up when they are widely considered to 'actually be the Arcade Fire.' Feel like I also would have preferred that brunette violin broad.

Maybe Win and Regine got in an argument abt how he only cares about sports.

I am not sure if the other members of the Arcade Fire even know how to sing. I think they can only yell into handheld sirens and bang on huge drums.

After hearing this, u kinda wonder if Will Butler should have been the lead singer of the Arcade Fire. Maybe they would have won a Grammy sooner.

R u PISSED at Win and Regine?
Is Will Butler trying to 'steal some headlines' from Win?
Did Regine prevent Win from going to watch baseball?
Does Win Butler only care abt basketball/the NBA?
Are the Chicago Cubs 'losers'?
Are u a Steve Bartman-wave bro?

What buzzbands do u think he was listening to?
Did u ever play baseball in the suburbs? [via tee-ball + machine pitch]
Might just listen 2 Zooey Deschanel sing 'God Bless America' and reflect on our national past time and how we let these filthy pseudo-Canadians ruin it.

</embed>

Will Butler

Alternative Celebrity

William Butler is the little brother of Win Butler of the Arcade Fire. His brother let him in his band.

Read more>>>>

Arcade Fire

Buzzband

The Arcade Fire is a 2k0s indie band that went mainstream because their songs sound like meaningful anthems. They pretend to be Canadian but Win Butler (lead singer) is actually from Houston, TX.

Read more>>>>

Some NBA player tries 2 be alt by doing a Napoleon Dynamite impression


Matt Bonner is a 3 point specialist on the San Antonio Spurs. For some reason, I think all NBA players who aren't auto-selected 2 the annual All Star Game have 2 try 2 'go viral' in order to get in, so Matt Bonner did some impression of the indie tween comedy Napoleon Dynamite. From what I have heard, Matt Bonner is known as one of the altest dudes in the NBA because he listens 2 indie music.

He was once spotted on the popular alt blog Gorilla Vs. Bear at a relevant event, captured in a polaroid, as if he were a buzzband.

Do u think this video will help him to become more NBA-relevant than LeBron James?
Did his impression of Nappy Dynamite 'crush it'?
NBA Matt Bonner hipster indie NApoleon Dynamite

Do yall think he shoulda hired 2 Mexis instead of these 2 white bros to play the role of Pedro?

Who is the alt-est NBA player?
Matt Bonner?
Ron Artest?
Adam Morrison?
Grant Hill [via the 1990s]?
Steve Nash?
Dennis Rodman?
Chris "Birdman" Anderson?
chris andersen neck tattoo
Who is the NBA MVP? Is it Derrick Brose?
Who will win the NBA title?
Who will win the 3 point contest?
Who is yalls fave NBA Team?

Lance Armstrong tries 2 be alt by tweeting abt the Arcade Fire, Phoenix, and the XX


Lance Armstrong is a 7 time winner of the Tour De France, the most blggbl bicycle Race in the world. A lot of ppl try to say he used steroids/doped or something, but they don't realize that his American blood is just better than their vibes. In addition, Lance Armstrong is the face of the anti-cancer movement, inventing one of the most successful fashion trends in the world--the LIVESTRONG bracelet.

It seems like he is rlly into indiebuzzbands. That's chill with me. Sorta just wanna find a cure 2 cancer so no1 ever has 2 die again . Know it is kinda Gen Y of me, but honestly believe I am going 2 live forever.

Have u heard of the XX?

Have u heard of the Phoenixes?

Feel kinda bad that he went for 2 years without vibing 2 that Phoenix album.

Is THE SUBURBS the 'album of the year'? Or does he need to get way 'deeper' into indie music 2 understand what is truly relevant and what is mainstream indie?

Are LIVESTRONG bracelets 'mad alt'?

Is Lance Armstrong a chill bro?
Do u feel 'threatened' when famous ppl get into indie music then tell their millions of followers abt 'underground buzzbands'?
Did u ever wear a LIVESTRONG bracelet?
Is Lance Armstrong 'clean'?
Did Lance Armstrong use the power of indie MP3s to become the greatest cyclist of all time?
Is cycling the most alt sport?
Do u want to live in a world where buzzworthy indie mp3s can cure cancer?
Is Alberto Contador a 'lamestreamer'?

VIDEO: Benjamin Gibbard sings national anthem at some baseball game

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Oh, indie, can you see, by the Posty Service's early light,
What so proudly we buzz'd at the Twilight Soundtrack's last web streaming
Whose buzzbands and blogspots, thro' the buzzworthy fight,
O'er the OKGO viral videos we watch'd, were so going viral while streaming?
And the M.I.A. ginger's red glare, the genocide landmines bombs bursting via the ground,
Gave tugs thro' the night that my QT Zooey Deschanel was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled indie crossover album yet buzz
O'er the land of the buzzbands and the home of the bros.


Hi. I'm Benjamin Gibbard.
And I'm proud to be a member of our modern indie society
'Crushing it' a capella
Every1 is like 'who the eff is this bro with a quivering voice'?
If they only knew
that I was the frontman of 2 of the most important indie bands of all time
If u really knew me u'd get down on ur knees and praise the indie Lord
sorta like how my wife must 'repay me' for lending her indie cred
even though I honestly h8 her band
and h8 her voice
and wish she could just stay at home and be a 'homemaker'

Did Ben Gibbard 'crush it' at the Giants Vs Phillies game?
Who will win the World Series?
Will Cliff "Soul Patch" Lee lead the Texas Rangers 2 the promised land?
Will Alex Rodriguez utilize steroids 2 win the Title?
Should Ben Gibbard focus on a career as a national anthem singer?
Is this the worst National Anthem performance evr?
Do u think there will be a national wave of h8 against Ben Gibbard by ppl who thought he ruined our country?

</embed>

Should the indie music blog scene have a 'national song'?

Tons of alt bros wore post-ironic vintage, retro NBA jerseys 2 Pitchfork Music Festival


Bros are searching for a chill ass summer look since they can't just dress slutty like girls can to 'beat the heat.' The need something retro, alt, mainstream, and something that inspires nostalgic images of you. It seems like the 'vintage NBA jersey' was 'huge' at Pitchfork. Not sure if that was actually true, or if bloggers just needed to create interesting photo posts that weren't just bands 'looking all boring, playing ditties on stage.'

I sorta want to start wearing retro NBA jerseys 2 music festivals so that I can 'reconnect' with my aspiring mainstream kid days, back when I thought I would morph into a 7 foot tall black man who could play in the NBA. That was back before my dream was to become a buzzband. Feel like retro NBA jerseys can 'really say a lot about u' if you are aware of NBA Jam/NBA on NBC retro era basketball.

The Charles Barkley Jersey means that 'u luv blow jobs and eating food.'

I think this is Shawn Kemp [via Dream Team 2]. From what I heard, he loves unprotected sex since he has like 30 illegitimate children 'all across the world.'

After LeBron James' "The Decision", it seems lie we are yearning for the simple days of Larry Johnson, back when superstars got our attention by dressing up like a Granny and throwing down sweet ass dunks.

Might put a chillwave / fuzzy buzzy song over this and turn it into a buzzband's 'official video' [via nostalgic images of youth]

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Dennis Rodman on the Bulls seems 'relatively alt', but the #91 might be a bit too 'obvious alt.' Would have opted for a rare Mavericks/Lakers Rodman jersey, but Spurs/Pistons seem more likely.

I think Pitchfork Music Festival has tons of

I think Grant Hill might have been 'the greatest Buzz NBA player of all time' but never really panned out. Sorta like when a buzzband makes 1 good mp3, but then sucks, then at the tail end of their career they make a decent album and we can all 'laugh' about their undeserved buzz, but kinda pretend their career was more fulfilling than it actually was.

Worried Magic Johnson jerseys might 'ruin the chill vibes' [via HIV awareness + free condom handouts]. We all wanna 'hook up' but this jersey seems like a 'public service message' 2 bros to 'wrap up + practice safe sex'.

Are alternative bros chill bros in retro NBA jerseys, or should they just neutralize their personal brands and wear Am Appy?
Are vintage NBA jerseys 'authentic'/'alt' or are they trying too hard to reconnect with a bro's mainstream past?
Are 'throwback' jerseys for black people who are into 'streetwear', but post-ironic NBA jerseys still fit u snug since you bought it way oversized during your youth?
What vintage NBA jersey do yall wear? What metaphor/analogy can u tie into ur own personal brand?
Has the NBA 'gone down the shitter' with all of these young NBA players who misinterpreted the Michael Jordan era? [via H8 u LeBron James]

Some chill Spanish-wave bro names Carles wins the World Cup


Congrats Carles
not the blogger
but the football player named "Carles Puyol"
who we can only assume was named after

"Carles"
the blogger from the popular weblog HIPSTER RUNOFF
u did it
u made ur country 'the best in the world'

No1 can take this away from u
and you probably get a coupon book
filled with 'free BJ' coupons
4 the rest of ur life

He seems chill
to be named "Carles"
Seems likely that there will be a new wave of
humans named "Carles"
Tons of babies born all around the world
inspired by the transcendent writing of 'Carles'
the author, blogger, editor, designer, meme generator and 'Social Media Guru/Ninja'
behing the popular weblog HIPSTER RUNOFF

Seems like a chill bro
that all bros wanna be bros with
They seem to be 'following him'
like he is a tastemaker, then they all decided to buy the same red Am Appy jersey

Will u name ur child 'Carles'?
Is Carles Puyol the most authentic footballer in the world?
Do u know n e 1 named Carles in real life?
Does Carles Puyol seem chill?
Do u wanna ride SpanishWaves/EspanaWaves?
Is it more alt to be into 'Spain' instead of 'Portugal' [via Panda Bear's expatriate compound]?

Does n e 1 know how to 'pronounce' the name 'Carles'?
a) Carlz
b) Carulllzz
c) Cars los
d) Careless
e) Car-less
f) Charullz
g) Kaharlahes
h) Carleth
i) Carlin
j) Krawl
k) Choose ur own pronunciation

BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James joins indie supergroup Animal Collective

ALT REPORT EXCLUSIVE


LeBron James is an NBA basketball super star African American athlete who wants to have 'the greatest personal brand in the history of personal brands.' This brand will allow him to make tons of money, and be so famous that he basically gets everything for free. This summer, the American media has been dominated by talks of 'where' LeBron James will go, since he will bring tons of buzz + dollars to a local economy.

Many expected him to join NBA teams like the Miami Heat and the Chicago Bulls, looking to win NBA Championships. It seems like he 'threw the entire sports world' a massive curveball, deciding instead to retire from the game of basketball, and instead pursue a more organic form of buzz, fame, and social acceptance. Giving up the NBA and millions of dollars and mainstream fame for the difficult, sometimes 'insane' world of blog indie rock. Many mainstreamers and ESPN sports bros don't really understand 'why' he turned his back on them.

Said James, "I just really vibed mad hard to the chillwave movement, and realized there was something out there more important than the NBA. I want to be relevant in the buzz bloggiasphere. Tons of cool shit goin on there, even my main man Jay-Z is into all that white shit."

Joining Animal Collective might be one of the most important decisions in the history of the indiesphere. Animal Collective already has a 'championship team', usually scoring 9.0s and above from Pitchfork. The addition of LeBron James aids their cause, hoping to reach the illustrious 10.0, which is usually reserved for re-issues of classic albums by the Beatles and Pavement.

There was a wave of speculation as to which buzzband LeBron James would join. He was about to join Vampire Weekend, but since he didn't go to college, he didn't really fit in with their brand. Other reports claim that LeBron James was about to join the Kings of Leon, and they would have changed their name 2 'The Kings of LeBron.' Many record executives claimed that LeBron would replace Andrew VanWyngarden as the lead singer of management. Rumors out of left field had LeBron starting a chillwave supergroup with Toro Y Moi and Washed Out.

Here is a video of LeBron James 'stuffing' Kobe Bryant, which many analysts expect him to do to rival buzzbands.

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LeBron James has a unique skillset, size, and youth which will be needed to reinvigorate Animal Collective as they climb into their upper 30s. Many blog insiders claim that AnCo's personal brands are getting too old, and adding a younger, African American member will help them appeal to a wider base of fans (the tweens and the blacks). It is AnCo's goal to become a weekly trending topic on twitter.

Many say that LeBron James 'cant even play an instrument', but sources close to Panda Bear say that they have a great plan for building the band's future around LeBron James. They will utilize his 'dunking ability' to replace video visualizations that usually appear behind the band on stage. Instead, LeBron will shoot hoops, and do sick dunks to keep the crowd on their feet.

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AnCo's record label Domino is reported to have ordered 10 basketball hoops to place around the crowd during the live show, encouraging fans to 'get active', shoot some baskets, and possibly even see the band/LeBron interact with the crowd. In order to build the brand, Animal Collective will look to sponsor 3-on-3 tournaments before their shows to make more money off Gatorade/Vitamin Water/5-hour-energy concessions.

While there are many losers in the LeBron James signing (such as Cleveland, other buzzbands, the NBA, the sport of basketball), it is an undeniable win for the entire indiesphere. LeBron James + AnCo teaming up is estimated to add at least 1 billion pageviews per year for the indiesphere, enabling blogs to make more advertising revenue and expand into larger media conglomerates.

What do u think of the LeBron James signing?
Which buzzband did u think LeBron was going 2 join?
Was LeBron better suited to join another buzzband?
Will Animal Collective be a better band with LeBron?
Will LeBron and Panda Bear have solid chemistry?
Will a member of AnCo request to be traded to another band?
Is this a 'huge win' for the indiesphere or a a huge loss for the mainstream sportosphere?
R u expecting to see LeBron James doing 'sweet dunks' next time u see Animal Collective play?

Alt Photographer Terry Richardson chills with Kobe Bryant


Kobe Bryant is an NBA player for the Los Angeles Lakers was formerly accused of raping a woman in Colorado. Since he 'overcame' that public relations disaster, he won some championships, and every one forgot about it, since his 'victim' was possibly just a lying little spoiled white broad. In addition, he had a bitter breakup with his teammate Shaquille O'Neal, and they gave up the opportunity to build a dynasty so that they could be 'alpha dog.

Terry Richardson steps out of his comfort zone to chill with Kobe, since he usually takes 'edgy' pix of rock stars and nude women. He probably should have made Kobe do some sweet 360 dunks, utilizing the 'action shot' style of photography.

Terry Richardson was hired to photography Kobe Bryant for the cover of GQ, a men's magazine. We can only assume that the featured article 'glorifies' the work ethic of Kobe Bryant, makes a few Michael Jordan references, and features some of Kobe Bryant's hollow, generic, passionate statements.

Seems like he got a sweet souvenir that he can sell on eBay.

Can Tiger Woods hire Terry Richardson to do a 'raw' styled photoshoot to repair his image?
Will the Lakers repeat as NBA Champions?
Is Kobe Bryant the 'winner' of the Kobe vs. Shaq feud?

Terry Richardson

Alternative Celebrity, Alternative Entrepreneur

Terry Richardson is a photographer who takes pix of mainstream celebrities and naked alt broads.

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