The Lana Del Report | Hipster Runoff

The Lana Del Report

Lana & Me: Our Dark, Abusive, Co-Dependent Relationship on the Content Farm


I have a blog called HIPSTER RUNOFF. Every day, I wake up, open my laptop, and type words that are stored in the internet as ‘content.’ My goal is to ‘get as many hits’ as possible because I metaphorically ‘have mouths to feed.’ I realize that at this point, it doesn’t matter if my content is ‘premium’, pseudo-brilliantly written web_prose or just ‘link-bait-wave,’ I was fortunate enough to not have gotten lost in the ‘long tail’ of indie music + Gen-Y-opinion-driven coverage blogs. Every day, I prey upon different buzz topics, exploiting my voice, but more importantly, my position as a ‘recognized outlet 4 buzz’ to try to trick people into thinking I am ‘relevant’, which basically just means that I am trying to make ppl talk abt my blog and get them addicted to my web brand even if they hate it because even when they are like ‘OMG THAT’S TOTAL BULLSHIT’ it is just some sort of post-grassroots-h8-wave-warketing.

My goal as a website is to ‘be the ass hole who pointlessly interjects himself into the conversation’ without being as overtly annoying as ‘the ass hole who always pointless interjects himself into the conversation.’

Lana Del Rey is the perfect buzz topic, and I’ll never forget the times we shared in late 2k11 and early 2k12. I honestly do wish the best for her career, not because I have a rooting interest in her/care about her as a person, but because Lana Del Rey is an important search term to refer viewers to my website.

Sometimes I wonder, when it’s all said and done, and the internet is deleted, will I only be remembered as “The Guy Who Invented Chillwave?”

It feels like Lana Del Rey was sent down from the buzz heavens, God’s way to save us from the well-documented buzz drought that has plagued us since early 2k10. Some blamed the buzzbands for not putting out solid mp3s. They said that there were not enough buzzworthy bands 2 authentically buzz and that buzz was being misappropriated unfairly due to blogosphere favors and the fear of hurting the feelings of legacy, past-their-prime buzzbands. In the post-LDR bubble burst world, we are finally able to see what caused the buzz drought: it was the bloggers, the writers, the content farmers, and the implosion of the sub-prime buzzing crisis that has been the expanding crack in the foundation the indie blogging and content farming infrastructure since as far back as 2k8.5.

LanaBB officially redefined the core competencies of the ‘indie blogosphere.’

We used to be tastemakers. We used to be regulators. We used to be trustworthy. We used to be a valuable resource. Lana made it okay for us to post magazine covers. Lana Del Rey was pretty enough to post even the most irrelevant performance video. For the first time, Lana Del Rey took indie blogs over ‘the edge’, and made it okay for us to speculate about her physical appearance, which is way more interesting than trying to figure out if her artistic ambitions are ‘relevant’/pure. Basically, Lana Del Rey finally marginalized ‘the decently-enough-thought-out opinion piece’ into a worthless meme that any one could poop out.

#LDRSNL marked another maturation/retardation milestone for ‘online indie journalism’, bringing the indie blogosphere from a humble place that posted MP3s with generally positive/neutral commentary, and flung us right into the generalist meme-blurb content farm spotlight. We scrambled like enslaved content farmers, minutes after the performance to preserve our Google rank with a perfectly placed headline. We were ready to chew up and spit out memes, finally ‘graduating to the big leagues’ with a ‘big boy meme’, not just some other over-written ‘spotlight’ on a group of poor dudes from Brooklyn who were ToTtaLLY wErTh ChEcKiNg OuT and/or the typical ‘no one cares--what happened to REAL music?’ reaction pieces to said buzzband.

Buzz experts truly believe that Lana Del Rey is the last artist/band that the network of indie blog buzz will have a role in ‘hyping.’ The happy days of the AnCo 2k9 buzzosphere are long gone, and we all cannot just get along. After Lana Del Rey, we live in a hypeless world where we trust no outlet, now that we have finally seen the hype apocalypse because the LDR snake-eating-its-own-tail cycle has finally ended, and the sum is “-0” [via undefined]. Readers who once thought that they were reading organic, farm-grown content will feel misled, angry, and betrayed by the warped context of blogs.

I’ll admit that as a blog, I am obsessed, and probably over-estimate the impact of ‘modern web media’ on ‘reality.’ But it seems like LDR was a blogosphere ‘passion project’ that we incubated, and got to ‘tear down’ for the sake of generating, controlling, and commenting our own content. We enjoyed it, sorta like while u r stroking ur peen, but then u finally ‘effing blow’, and you are not sure whether you should admit ‘how good’ it felt. After #LDRSNL, no one is sure who has control of the #LDR meme any more. It was her viking meme funeral, even if she goes on to achieve mad sales in Europe/decent sales in America.

“Where r u Lizzy Grant? R u okay? I swear, I care about you. Blogs r mean. :-(”
-some blog with female readers

LDR should probably make other alt famous humans and upcoming buzz humans incredibly nervous, because the silent agreement of ‘pandering’ to indie celebs is over. The concept Indie celebrity may or may not exist, but a successful blog now must realize that the way indie blogs ‘baby’ the ‘alt famous’ in order to preserve relationships can no longer exist. Mudslinging will be beneficial to both parties. Maybe after LDR, it will no longer be a good idea to be ‘an anonymous’ project because then dumb blogs will just use Google to construct an unfair narrative for you.

I think the most interesting/most-covered story to come out of the #LDRSNL tank job was the ‘widely read and covered’ story about the guy who invented Gawker and revolutionized modern content farming, Nick Denton, publishing a private email from famous NBC newsanchor Brian Williams for the sake of ‘winning hits’ and introducing the Gawker web-brand to non-readers. In the email, NBC Nightly news anchor Brian Wiliams basically just says LDR is a disgrace, but I guess it is ‘interesting’ because he works for NBC, or something. His commentary on ‘her’ as a ‘person’ is as arbitrary & worthless as yours or mine, but the keyword synergy behind the story is ‘so money’ and it ‘doesn’t even know it’, except Gawker’s genius content farm editor has a sixth sense for virality that most crappy bloggers will never have. A.J. Daulerio will always be remembered as one of the Founding Fathers of Modern Content Farming.

As I struggle to deal with my own periodic content farm existential crises, I wish I could have just invented Gawker. We could’ve had it all. Rolling in the deep pool of unique visitors.

In no way is the ‘conversion of blogs to content farms’ and ‘the secret corporate nature of indie blogs’ a fresh, relevant, or innovative ‘take’. I am just trying to share my view from inside the meme prison with you. Lana Del Rey and I are on this content farm together sort of like we are the last and only two humans left on Earth. We hate eachother, but at the same time we need eachother to stay alive. There will never be any sort of cathartic epiphany where we admit wrong-doing, nor will there ever be a genuine reconciliation. We will never have what feels like a ‘real’ relationship with Lana Del Rey.

Where does ‘the modern media’s relationship’ with Lana Del Rey go from here?

Unfortunately for indie bloggers, it is back to posting dumb MP3s and serving as a well-crafted PR blast for bands that every1 already knows about. As ‘writers’/people who publish text to webpages on the internet, can we be so sure that another meme comet like Lana Del Rey will come again in our lifetime? Will we sit on our porch, every day looking up at the sky, wondering if another Lana will come by... Or this this our final chance to ‘commit suicide’ with other members of our stupid cult in an effort to be transported into the buzz spaceship that is trailing in the tail of the comet [via Heaven’s Gate/Marshall Applewhite vibes]?

Why do we keep going?
Why do we keep farming in the name of blogging in the name of writing?

In the name of authentic music journalism? What more in the name of authentic music journalism.
-Bono [via U2]

Online publishing is ‘relatively new’ [via long-term historical contexts]. I guess this is just a natural part of the maturation process of the beloved idea of the indie blogosphere. But who even wants to be a part of indie blog farming any more?

Even the most ‘talented’ people who ‘write things on the internet that are actually worth reading’ and/or are reduced to farm fodder. Every character of a writer, blog, or content farm’s 140 character or less tweet is cringe-worthy, 100% worth resenting. Part of me feels ‘confused’ as to why any one would even want to ‘be a music writer’, or write about bands/humans/music on the internet. It takes a warped personality to believe that any one ‘gives a damn about what you and ur crappy website’ thinks, unless you are being paid handsomely for it, then you can sort of approach it like a desk job. It will dehumanize you every day, but at least it pays the bills.

Who is ‘actually passionate’ about ‘how they feel about Lana Del Rey’? It doesn’t matter if you are writing an ‘IN DEFENSE OF LANA DEL REY’ or if you are writing a hilarious and/or insightful web culture + societal takedown piece that accurately deconstructs #LDRgate with an original angle. We all have the same motive. Can 1 voice really shift an entire conversation? What the eff do u think ur gonna tastemake? Do u think u can really make another LDR? Those days are gone, child. We’ve peaked. It’s over. The machine’s broken. Somebody call the Geek Squad.

I am on the edge. I no longer believe in blog evolution. I no longer believe in buzz creationism. I am a believer in buzz intelligent design.

It is interesting to think that there is a generation who even finds these memes to be ‘interesting’ enough to think that they want to be a part of the indiesphere discussion. Do they think the can ‘save’ it by showing us cool, new bands? Do they think they can save us from the content farming doom? Do they think that they can reverse the impact of social media on the speedy, link-baiting nature of all websites, designed to ‘get a good jump on’ SEO?

The indie blogosphere is over the hill. Our opinions are old, tired, uninspired. The next generation will follow our lead, continuing to turn things into poo, inspired by the biased outlook on indie celebrity and relevance that we portrayed to them for years. There is nothing worth saving. Everything is COMPLETELY EFFED, but it will keep going, and we will keep writing that it is COMPLETELY EFFED, but no1 really cares and there isn’t really anything to fix so I guess maybe we should act like it is a beautiful indie film and find ‘happiness and peace’ with that truth.

It is all just sort of just ‘funnie’ but also ‘sad.’ Are the dreams in which Lana Del Rey is dying on the stage of SNL = the best we’ve ever had?

Lana Del Rey saw it coming. We all saw it coming.

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In the post-LDR blogging era, I feel free to openly admit that I don’t care about honoring ‘bands that sound good’. The opinions that I have on bands are not actually my own, and my goal is not to preserve a relationship with readers or bands/artists based on editorial pandering. All I can do is ‘go down in flames’ with my sweet, Princess LanaBB. My demented online personality that motivates me to type these words in order to accumulate hits, empathy, praise, and controversy does not have much time left.

Wag The Blog.

Cultural criticism on the internet is dying because we finally realized that the voices behind blogs, twitter feeds, and authentic writing outlets are as fat, bored, uninspired, and jealous as the fat, bored, uninspired, and jealous voices that we thought we had escaped from.

I am not a writer. I am not a blogger. I am a content farmer. These words mean more to the Google robot than they do 2 u. There is nothing exciting about writing, tweeting, or sharing opinions. I do not want to inspire any one to follow me into this dark prison, surrounded by a pile of memes, while I must sort thru them and spin them as ‘meaningful’, ‘interesting’, or whatever else will generate a pageview.

Lana & Me had it all. I’ll look back and think about what I could have done differently. But I'll also think about how beautiful our effed up relationship was and how it some how 'just worked.'

To music and indie purists, Lizzy Grant is the AntiChrist.
To indie modernists and loveslaves of internet content, Lana Del Rey is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Having said that, Lana Del Rey hit a GRAND SLAM on SNL. U did it, BB! I am proud of u. U took 1 for ‘the team’, and now we’re all gonna go to Pizza Hut after the game to celebrate. C U THERE. Let’s share a pitcher of Pepsi. We deserve it. We worked hard.

Is Lana Del Rey indie’s ‘Rebecca Black moment’?
Is LDR ‘not even a big deal’?
Do all buzz humans die?
What’s ur fave content farm?
What’s the future of indie blogosphere?
Do u generally feel ‘who cares’ abt it all?
Do u mainly load webpages ‘out of habit’ not rlly because the site emotionally resonates with u?
If u thought LDR album cycle #1 was fun, are you PUMPED for album cycle #2 in 2-3 years?
Does LDR 'have it all' or 'have nothing'?
Do u <3 LDR for emancipating us from being farm slaves?
Can the farm become self-ware [via skynet]?
Where is Lana Del Rey right now?

"The Great Lana Del Rey Meme Harvest" by Carles

Set to the tune of Garth Brooks' "The Dance"
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Looking back on the memory of
The Lana Del Rey meme harvest we shared on all the content farms
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye?

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
U could have missed the pain, cyberbullying and slutshaming
But I'd of had to miss the great Lana Del Rey meme harvest

Memeing you, I memed everything
For a moment, wasn't I the king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know... I might have changed it all...

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go [via SNL]
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the Lana Del Rey meme harvest
Yes my bloglife is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the Great Lana Del Rey meme harvest

Luv u Lana. Mean it. <3 :-*

Introducing the Lana Del Report


In order to adapt to changing editorial demands, we will be transitioning this site to become a dedicated Lana Del Rey content farm and news+gossip outlet blog. This means all Lana, all the time. After last weekend's SNL performance [link to complete analysis], it is clear that Lana Del Rey is a human meme that will be around for a long time, generating mad hits eternally, and we would like to be at the forefront of Del-Rey-related hits by establishing our site as the 'Go-To destination' for all things LDR.

Welcome to a new era.
Welcome the The Lana Del Report.

Former internet sensation Chris Crocker show support for fellow internet sensation Lana Del Rey

In case yall don't remember, Chris Crocker is the dude who 'went viral' for recording that Leave Britney Alone video. Since his microfame, he has fallen upon hard times, and is now recording crappy songs and
selling them to people who still think he is famous/important/inspiring, which is what a lot of 'fallen gays' do to continue to milk their online tribe.

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He also still tweets things.

Anyways, Chris Crocker has outed himself as a member of #TEAMLDR. This might be the support that Lana Del Rey needed in order to get back on the good side of the internet, people on Twitter, people who hate everything irrationally, people who hate things rationally, and even people who don't care and have no idea Lana Del Rey even is. Her PR team will DEFINITELY be sending him a fruit basket because he has truly changed the discussion from 'we h8 Lana' to 'i heard u like the bad gurlez hunnie!'

At first, he tweeted that he truly loved her!

Then, he stood up 4 her against the h8rz! LDR is EVERYTHING 2 him.

Then he was all like 'ppl who judge other ppl from the computer are FAKE ASS H8RZ'!
chris crocker lana del rey

It seems like it is only a matter of time before Chris Crocker records a 'leave Lana Alone!' video in order to try to piggyback of the power of Lana Del Rey's backlash meme, moving himself back into 'the conversation.'

Does Chris Crocker have 'terrible taste in music'?
Will LDR have a Britney-like meltdown in order to 'get more famous'?
Is Chris Crocker an 'influencer'?
Can LDR 'recover'?
Is this exactly what LDR 'needed' in order to save her brand?
Is Lana Del Rey 'completely effed' if Chris Crocker is her biggest proponent?

Even Lana Del Rey applauds Coachella organizers for snubbing her from 2012 lineup

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Last week, the Coachella lineup was released, and to no one/every1's surprise, Lana Del Rey was left out of the lineup. After this weekend's COMPLETE SNL MELTDOWN, the Coachella organizers must be having a 'celebration partie' because their decision not to ride the LDR meme train REALLY paid off. Who knows if Lana Del Rey will even be on any1's radar in April of 2012. Props to Coachella for making the right call.

LDR didn't really diss the organizers, instead she sorta said, "Yeah, I know I'm boring. I sorta just stand there with a microphone and don't do anything." So maybe she sorta actually applauded the festival for recognizing that she would be a boring ass act. It seems like Lana Del Rey knew that there was a fundamental problem with her SNL performance setup. Why didn't she do something 2 fix it?

R u sad Lana isn't playing Coachy?
Did Coachella 'dodge a bullet'?
Will LDR be 'blacklisted' from the festival circuit because of her SNL tank?
How Can Lana Del Rey save her career? [link]
R u baffled by her team's failure to avoid the SNL fiasco?

How can Lana Del Rey save her career and rebuild her fallen buzz dynasty?


Lana Del Rey recently 'tanked' on Saturday Night Live [link]. Now it seems like here entire team + operation will undergo a COMPLETE OVERHAUL to attempt to save her career. After sourcing some listicle fodder from the OFFICIAL HIPSTER RUNOFF FACEBOOK PAGE, I have aggregated a list of ideas that could help to save Lana Del Rey's career. It is important to understand that these are just ideas, and some of them might be terrible, and actually just make her career even worse.

HOW CAN #LDR SAVE HER CAREER [VIA #SAVE_LDR]?

  • Get new/bigger lips
  • Sex Tape
  • Marry Ben Gibbard and get a tv show on FOX
  • Divorce Ben Gibbard
  • Star in a movie with that guy from 30 Rock from the Sunnies
  • 'go Winehouse' on every1's ass to appeal to Brit gossip rag media
  • Quit playin her video games
  • Gooohh pllaaahyy heerr beehddeeeohhooo gaaaymmmeees
  • Million dollar Playboy photo shoot
  • 'go dubstep'
  • Release a collab with Skrillex
  • Collab with Panda Bear
  • Tear up a picture of Carles on her next SNL performance
  • Fight Floyd Mayweather/ Manny Pacquaio
  • Buy some domains from her father
  • Collab with Kreayshawn
  • Learn how to die 2 be born
  • 'Retire' from singing live
  • Female indie supergroup with Regine Chassagne, Maddie Follin, Alice Glass, Bethany Cosentino, and Vicki LeGrand
  • Become a member of Grizzly Bear
  • 'Start shit' with some bitch
  • Do a performance on MadTV
  • Perform on the Carson Daly show so no1 will watch it
  • hit the gym
  • date a 'feeder', 'go Carnie Wilson on every1's ass'
  • Have gastric bypass surgery
  • Regain the weight
  • Join the Dirty Projjies so that Dave Longstreth can 'dom' her career/life
  • 'go Kerouac' on every1's ass for a few years
  • Sign a modeling contract with Vivid Entertainment
  • Become a backup singer/dancer for Katy Perry
  • Get a job at Enterprise Rentacar, where she will have the tools to become her own boss
  • Give some1 important a 'BJ'
  • Date Courtney Love
  • Date Kanye West, get 'enormous ass' [via Amber Rose]
  • get an internship at Pitchfork.tv
  • Start her own cassette label so no1 will listen 2 her music
  • Date Ben Affleck, created relationship nickname "Lanaffleck"
  • Have a child so ppl will be nice to her and let her make a living
  • Have a fake baby with Jay-Z
  • Release an mp3 that hates on the haters
  • Become a 'symbol of strength for ugly people who don't fit in' like Lady Gaga
  • Jump on the 'anti-cyberbullying' campaign as a shield from cyberbullying
  • "More cowbell" meme
  • Ask Donald Glover for advice
  • Live in Europe
  • Use autotune
  • Marry Russell Brand
  • Show off her cha-chas
  • Shoot whipped cream out of her b00bz
  • Hire that Jimmy Fallon drummer guy as her backing band
  • Marry Tim Tebow
  • Pray 2 Tim Tebow
  • Ask for career advice from the man with the Golden Radio Voice
  • Join the rapegaze genre
  • Score the soundtrack of a violent, bro-wave video game
  • Date Andy Samberg
  • hire backup dancers
  • Hire a brand manager
  • hire random ethnic 'hype men' like Diplo
  • Hire rappers to do the pointless 'rap verse' in her songs
  • Build a time machine and tell Gorilla Vs. Bear not 2 post her music
  • Build a time machine and find a way to make the Lizzy Grant project successful
  • Go back in time and write the theme song 2 Dawson's Creek [via not wanting 2 wait 4 our lives' 2 be over]
  • Embrace the city as her church
  • Start bleepbloop band
  • 'Go chillwave'
  • build a tribe of outspoken Tumblring, blogging and vlogging internet tweens to stand up 4 her
  • Send fruit baskets 2 her critics with flesh lights/huge black dildos so they can finally 'feel pleasure'
  • Release a Mountain Dew sponsored MP3 to get back her authenticity
  • Be open and honest about her intentions as an artist, stop being afraid to impose her artistic will on the opportunity that she has instead of letting other misguided ppl steer her career straight in2 the shitter.

How can Lana Del Rey save her career?
Does her career 'need saving'?
Do u believe in her?
Will she go on 2 sell 'mad albums' or is she 'completely effed'?
Does LDR have it all or have nothing?

Mainstream gossip blogger Perez Hilton says Lana Del Rey sucks. Is he "slut shaming" her?

http://perezhilton.com/2012-01-15-lana-del-rey-performance-underwhelms-on-saturday-night-live#.TxW9kGNWrag</a>


Lana Del Rey's BOMB JOB on SNL has become a mainstream meme, blogged about far and wide, not because ppl have an opinion on her, but because it is fun to pretend to have an opinion, especially if it is negative, then u can be all mean, but also kind funny, and people will think that ur 'being real' and 'telling it how it is'. Perez Hilton is a mainstream gossip blogger, but he also likes 2 cyberbully and slutshame. From what I understand, 'slutshaming' is a niche of cyberbullying but you make girls feel like 'sluts' even though they didn't really do anything slutty, or something.

Here is some AsAMatterOFactlyGirl talking abt slut shaming but I honestly couldn't stand to watch more than 30 seconds of it because she's one of those 'know it all' tweens who is too socially aware and probably just needs to participate in team sports so she's not obsessing over fabricated internet issues.

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Anyways, it is clear that Perez Hilton and other blogs are SLUT SHAMING and CYBERBULLYING Lana Del Rey.

Here is a transcript of the commentary by the mainstream blog on Lana Del Rey's SNL performance:

What an awkward performance.
Lana Del Rey was set to be one of the up and coming artists of 2012, but nowwwww, we're not so convinved.
She did her first major performance on SNL last night and well…um….hmm…how do we put this delicately?
She bombed.
LOL, sorry, but her voice was all over the place, she was off-key, and had zero stage presence. She looked completely uncomfortable on stage and even made us uncomfortable just watching her.
Yikes.
She did look pretty though!

Also, Perez Hilton sent out a mean tweet during the performance. What does this guy have against Lana Del Rey? She prob refused to play his SXSW partie or something.

It is clear that there is some sort of anti-Lana Del Rey conspiracy happening in the blogosphere. There has never been backlash quite like this in the history of the entire world.

Oh Lana....
#itgetsbetter
#staystrong
Don't let the slutshaming mainstream media get 2 u...
Shame on Perez...
Shame on the Haters...
Haters pay ur bills, bb!

If u have a negative opinion on Lana Del Rey, are u just a cyberbullying slutshamer?

What’s the deal with Lana Del Rey’s Gold tooth?

by the UlTiMaTe LaMeStReAmER!!!


Lana BB! Is that gold tooth in ur mouth?

But ur so pretty! Why would u have a gold tooth? Did u just have some dental work done or something? Maybe ur trying to be like a rapper or something. I'm s000 confused. I guess u said in that one song that u grew up on hip hop or punk rock or something, so I guess that toteally makes sense. I get most of my dental work done once per decade in Mexico, so I guess I understand that sometimes life is tuff. I used to live in a trailer, just like u!

I am honestly completely ashamed of my teeth. Many of them are rotted away, and it hurts to chomp with them. If I eat something hard and chewy like peanut brittle, I'll usually end up swallowing parts of my chipped teeth. Some of them are filled with some silver metal, but i hate the way my mouth tastes all metally all day and makes my favorite foods less yummy.

I'm jealous of that girl with u! I wanna hang with u! Hit me up when ur in town. I wanna learn how to edit videos in Windows Movie Maker so bad! I need to start getting creative and showcasing my artsy side!

The truth is that u r BEAUTAFUL and even if u have a gold tooth, u still have a BANGIN BOD and every1 loves u so everything will be okay. I honestly thought u were good on SNL, bb. BACK OFF HATERS!

#TeamLDR4evr

Does any one know why Lana Del Rey has a gold tooth?
Is she swaggin or are there legitimate dental reasons?

Lana Del Rey EFFING TANKS on SNL. Is her career 'effing over'?


Even the most entry-level buzz market analyst knew that Lana Del Rey would COMPLETELY tank on Saturday Night Live. It happened right before our eyes like a trainwreck, except that the train was carrying tons of port-a-potties, and then everything got covered in poo-poo and they had to shut down an entire small town because of the toxic smelliness of the poo fumes, and then every1 got on twitter to say 'OMG THERE'S SO MUCH POO AND IT SMELLS SO BAD! EWIE MCGOOEY!' What was supposed to be Lana Del Rey’s introduction to Middle America turned into a nightmare, with even the lamest of lamestreamers turning to their social media network of choice to say, “Who be dis bitch, yall? She can’t sing 4 shit.” This has already been the perception of many critics, blogspots, and content farms who resent her rise to internet fame.

Where were u when Lana Del Rey tanked on SNL? It's a moment we'll never forget.

Although 'Video Games' was the song that garnered the most per capita adjusted 4 inflation buzz, the song is a 'complete dud' live. She has had many opportunities to 'fix' her live show, which leaves us asking, begging, pleading, "Why Lana? Why?"

At least she looked good, bb!

There have been rumblings that the entire team associated with the current Lana Del Rey launch will be fired. Even at her first performance at Glasslands Gallery in Brooklyn where she was secretly billed as the Queen of Coney Island, she had a band that was intended to hide in the shadows [link]. There was already a disconnect between the universally projected image of LDR and her branded output. It never came together, and every1 must have been convinced that foreign press and TV appearances meant that 'everything was okay.'

This is LDR's fault.
This is not LDR's fault.

"Blue Jeans" was just good enough to be forgettable, but still sorta 'effing terrible.'

Lana Del Rey’s voice has been widely accepted as a gimmick, but her and her team never took the time to decide how it should be utilized when she was singing live. Obviously, she would have to turn down her wacky vocalisms, and learn how to gesticulate like that Florence + the Machine broad in order to make herself a viable product. Unfortunately, they just put her in a pretty dress, and figured every1 would all be like 'what a sweetheart, yall', but then they forgot that every1 just wants to h8 everything, especially when it looks like ur not trying, and u don't care.

Heads will be rolling this week on #TeamLDR....

What did u think of her performance?
Did LDR tank as hard as u thought she would?
How can Lana Del Rey save her career?
Is there too much negative buzz?
Was she 'not ready yet'?
Who is 2 blame?
Did we build her up just to 'tear her down'?
Did we 'buzz her up' just 2 'hate buzz her down'?
Is she indie's 'biggest failure of all time'?
Did she 'disgrace' the SNL stage/waste the time of Middle Americans?
Is she 'the Rebecca Black of indie'?

I guess Lana Del Rey was right... U and I... We were born 2 die...
lana del rey blood

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