child predator glasses | Hipster Runoff

child predator glasses

I wish they had Macbooks when I was a tween so I could create borderline pornographic content with my bff


I wish I could be a tween again
Filled with spirit, a love for modern music,
a will to joy, and a desire to dance like no1 is watching

Record my dances on my Macbook
to upload videos to youtube
so that I can dance like some1 is watching.

Late night on youtube
spent in an endless vortex of RELATED VIDEOS
until I stumble upon (tm) tweens
who are dancing to a rap song
that is not very serious
but still very catchy and popular
because it is so approachable

Alone in my room on the internet
I look behind me
to ensure that Chris Hansen
from MSNBC's To Catch a Predator
is not behind me
watching me watch these tweens
dance like no1 is watching

I wish I could be a tween again
and have fun with my bff
and record a video
dance around my pink room
is my lounge wear
that is comfy/sporty--yet 'sexie'

I learned these dance moves
from watching television/rap videos on youtube
I kind of do them ironically
but there is something within me that wants to be sexy
(I don't know if I realize this yet)

I'm not a tween
Not yet a teen
Not yet a woman

This is a related video.


Borderline Porn [via youtube]: big in 2k9?
Child Predding without the glasses--big in 2k10?
Getting lost in mazes of RELATED VIDEOS: the story of ur internet life?
Do u wish u had a Macbook when u were a tween?
Do u think these tweens are keuter than the previous showcased tweens?

R yall gonna buy ur daughter a macbook for her 12th Birthday?

Still not sure who I should d8 in 2k9

Falling in <3 is more difficult than people realize. I 'stayed in' this weekend 2 think abt 2k9, and where I want it 2 go. Who do I want 2 be? What do I want 2 discover about myself?

Ultimately, I guess I am asking myself








[Photos by We Made Out Once]

What would yall do if 'u were me' and u were 'single' headed in2 a new year?
Stay at home and 'tug alone' every nite, or is there 'something 2 be found out there'?

Forecasting the Child Predator Glasses Economy

In 2k8, I was able to make tons of mediocre posts heavily relying on the strength of the gimmick of Child Predator glasses. I'm not so sure if 2k9 will be easy. We are slowly but surely reliving the product lifespan of shuttershades. s00 popular at the beginning, but then got rlllly inauthentic.

[photo by click/clash]
I think what we're slowly realizing is that there's more to a Child Predator aesthetic than just glasses. A Child Predator is a direct threat to society, and looking like a child predator is less of a 'fashion choice' and more of a lifestyle choice. A ChildPred can strike at any time without warning. There is a certain level of free-spiritedness and 'I might kill U' zaniness that we can see in the eyes of Authentic Child Preds.

Putting on the lenses of a child pred does not enable u 2 c the world that they see.

This entry-level alt is indicative of the increasing inauthenticity rates among people who have branded themselves' with child pred glasses.

[via lookbook]
As soon as things reach the kids/entry-levelers, the personal brand image has been tarnished, rendering the look to be inauthentic for the next 7-10 years.

Maybe I am all wrong. Maybe the next wave of child predators will wear zany suspenders & kute white shoes to 'appeal 2 young kids.'

I will miss u Child Predator glasses.
(miss u shuttershades)
/// help
Which glasses will be 'next'?
Have yall heard of Wayfarers?

What is the future of the Modern Child Predator (Glasses)?
Will Child Predators be forced to Update their gimmick in order to appeal to modern kids?

Have Child Predators Discovered a New Gimmick?

If I were a mainstream media journalist, I would turn this post into a puff piece that tells ppl how our society is falling apart. I would show this Man with Child Predator Glasses pouring vodka into the moufz of concert-goers, and try to point fingers at who could have possibly taught him this? Who is setting an example within our society that lets child predators have their way with God's children?

We can't just let every1 pour vodka in the moufs of every1.
There are laws within our society. The legal drinking age is 25 for a reason.
There are facebooks/social networking sites for child predators 4 a reason.
As an alternative population, we must do more to show that we are a good example for society as a whole. Please embrace the social responsibility of being a member of the alternative population.

h8 child preds
Hopefully Barry Obama finally starts doing stuff instead of sitting on his ass and smoking ciggs/going 2 Washington D.C. 'tittie barz'/'laser tag arenas.'

Can I ask u a personal question?

[Photos by thecobrasnk]
If u were at an alternative event, and u looked in2 the sky, and saw a former 'it girl' appear above you, would u
a) pass her along, becoming one with the crowd
b) have a lil grab
c) protect her from other altbros trying 2 have a lil grab at her, hoping that she would notice you and let u have a legitimate grab at the end of the night
d) ask her for career advice
e) take a picture with your iPhone
f) take a picture with your dSLR
g) try to make a vlog with her
h) ask her on a meaningful date with the line 'I am not an alternative celebrity--but I do know what love is.'
i) ask her 'WTF is a meme?'
j) wait 4 Agyness
k) wait 4 Uffie
l) Choose.Your.Own.Response

Previous GrabFests

P0st m0re Child Predators

[Photo by icanteachuhow2doit]
Child Predator glasses will never die.
Child Predator glasses have been around forever.
Child Predator glasses can make u look like an authentic kreep, no matter how upper-middle class your family is.
Child Predator glasses help u distance ur personal brand from society's norms.
Child Predator glasses make u look 'a lil smart' and 'a lil crayzee.'
Child Predator glasses may or may not be the new shutter shades.
Child Predator glasses help u see in the dark when ur trying 2 murder some1.
Child Predator glasses turn u into some1 that u nvr thought u could be.
Child Predator glasses are the lenses through which most of America's biggest tragedies were masterminded & executed.

///// Will Barry Obama ban child predator glasses? ///

Previous ChildPred coverage

XX BONUS ALTBRO who is waaay 2 into blogs XX

{photo by <a href="">lastnightsparty</a>}
"I am an authentic altbro. I read mp3 blogs. I own a tshirt of my favourite MP3 blog instead of tshirt of my favourite band. I support RCRD LBL bc they allegedly pay artists when they post their music. Most music blogs are just predators and don't care about artists. Most mp3 blogs just want to get paid, and don't care about what they are contributing to making the music industry a level playing field where we can appreciate what is truly worth appreciating. One day, I will start a music blog. One day, my blog will change the way that people see the music industry. I have a Macbook and a couple of digital cameras. I have big dreams. But I would settle for a tug."
-some altBro

Child Predatoring is a Serious Business

When I grow up, I want to work at a firm that allows me to 'dress up' AND wear child predator glasses.

[Photo by GaraceDore]

Sometimes I wonder what I will do when I grow up. I 'don't want to end up' 'working' in a 'cubicle' and feeling meaningless, kinda like the movie 'The Office Spaces.' I am going to design school/liberal arts school to get a better perspective on the world. I want to be able to share this perspective with others who need help making decisions. I understand the world and/or people and/or humanity and/or 'business.'

I am a coolhunter without even trying 2 b. Even though I do not realize it, I am on the cutting edge of 'what's NOW' in society.

I've read that employers like google have free buffet-style food and dry cleaning for their employees.

Should I work at google? Do they have vegan options? What can I do if I work 4 google? Can I be the guy who finds what people r looking for when they search?
Does n e other place have a progressive/zany [CUSTOMIZABLE] environment in which 2 work?

I just want an authentic place where I can work.
I want 2 work 4 a firm where I can contribute 2 humanity.
I don't want to b 'just another alternativeBrick in the wall.
I want to authentically bond with my coWorkers.
I want to have a lava lamp.
I want to have a progressive poster in my office that wouldn't be allowed in most workplaces.
I want to have a starting salary of $60K per year and be able to waste half of my day on the internet.
I want to eat lunch at kute restaurants with healthy options every day.
I want to be respected within my office.
I want to have authentic conversation with my coWorkers, and not just talk abt 'the weather' or how my local sports team is 'in the playoffs' and 'has a good shot.'
I want a workplace where I can have a sweet speaker system in my office, and blast Popular Songs from The HypeMachine which inspire coWorkers to come into my office so I can tell them about the band, then spend 15 minutes telling them about how it is authentic to find MP3s from the hypemachine because it is the 'most authentic form of buzz' which can be associated with a band.

///Searching 4 my dream job///

Previous Alternative Career Help coverage

///need 2 grow up & make money, but still stay youthful & authentic //// \\

(Is it acceptable to wear American Appy as Business Casual?)

Part of the Child Predator Never Dies

[Photo by the Cobrasnake]

A lot of people ask me 'Carles... which trends are gonna be around 4ever?'  That's an incredibly relevant question to most of our existences.  We must spend money in order to buy things that represent us, but finding something that will accurately represent our personal brands for more than 1 year is extremely difficult in 'The Internet Age.'

Child Predator Glasses are one of the most era-transcendent accessories that you can purchase.  They have been around for a long time, and they will probably be around for the next 20 years, until doctors start to prescribe Medical Shutter Shades.  After the recent 'EconoCrisis', we're all just looking to spend money on things that will last longer, instead of wasting them on Macbooks, consumables, and arts&crafts.  Investing in glasses is investing in your health + adding 10 or more years to your alternative social life.

Michael Jordan : Sneakers :: The Lil Hot Chip guy : Child Predator Glasses

[Photo by Jay West Photography]


The popular Lectro band The Hot Chippers

Just BC I don't blog about Child Predators N E more doesn't mean u should let ur guard down

Be careful, yall. Child Predator glasses have been named by Time Magazine to be 'the new Shutter Shades.' Eventually, we won't be able to tell the difference between alts, child predators, and IcelandicJapaneseBrazilian weirdos.

Keep ur lil alts on leashes.


Even alt-model diva cover girls are wearing Child Predator Glasses.



What's ur fave part of "TO CATCH A PREDATOR"?
the host?
when the predators bring presents?
When they read cyber sex chat logs out loud?
When the predators have funnie screen names?
The fake 13 year old slutz?
When u see a 40 year old man's life get ruined?


What is the name of this style of glasses?

[Photo by GadeMode]

What's the deal with this kind of glasses? Are they intended to be post-post-ironically functional glasses for people who actually have poor vision? I've seen them on a few Cool Dads, but part of me thinks they make a man look krazier than Child Predator Glasses.

Should they be called "Cool Dad Glasses"? Or like "alt safety goggles"?

This style of glasses combined with intense sideburns can make you look like the kind of person who has murdered some one and destroyed all of the evidence [via wood chipper]. This may or may not be worse than child predator glasses.

But srsly, here's a picture of Ben Gibbard with the think tank that put Death Cab together when they were all 12 years old with the hopes of establishing the meaningful-core genre.

These dudes:DeathCab :: Lou Pearlman : NSYNC + BSB

Alt Celebs + Underaged Kids = Creep Creepertons

Can you find the alt celeb in this sea of children?
Hint: He used 2 manage Daft Punk, but then he told them that the should 'stop it with that robot gimmick' + Electroma was an overrated pile of robot feces, so they had to let him go. [unconfirmed rumor]

I read in a blog that the video for "D.A.N.C.E.' was actually a visual love letter from SoMe to the lolita he kept in a pit in his basement. [Note: SoMe does not keep young women in his basement, nor does he have a death pit in his house.]

BUT SRSLY...if ever there was a time to wear Child Predator glasses... Thnx a lot Ed Banger.

[Photos by The Cobrasnake]
"HRO, they are just having a good time. There's nothing wrong with being around young fans who like your music and identify with your lifestyle brand. You are insinuating that they are child predators, when they are just a couple of French men living their dreams. Deep down, we all want to be adored by seas of children; this is why Steve Aoki crowd surfs 300% more often in 3rd world countries."
-an informed commenter who studied 'The Psychology of Alt Celebs' in College

Girl Talk: &#34;I Created Child Predator&#34;

[Photo by <a href="">Frank Hamilton]
I can't believe Girl Talk is going to let me 'pay what I want' for his next 'album.' How much r u planning on paying? I wonder what samples he is going to use this time. I hope he uses Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)." I can't wait to see the first music video from the album. It will probably be rlly viral and artsy.

The future of the Child Predator:

Is there such thing as a free spirited child predator?

Greg Gillis is one of the best examples of a 'mainstreamer gone alt.' His transition into a full-fledged alternative celebrity is one that we should all study and appreciate.


Does n e 1 else have a secret fantasy about Alternative MILFs morphing into child predators who force themselves upon alt bros in their formative alt stages?

Lately, I've been rlly in2 women in child predator glasses. Do u have any sexual fantasies?

[Last Nite's Child Preddie]


Since I am blogging for social change, here is a Public Service Announcement about sexual abuse.

<3 Love yall <3
Be careful in our crazie world.

&#34;We Don't Care Abt the Child Predator Glasses Folks&#34; -PB&#38;J

An HRO intern contacted me with an urgent email about this party pic.
Child Molester glasses + silky scarf made into a decorative bow + kute expression = [HIGHLY BLOGGABLE 1 OF A KIND WEB-CONTENT]

The gaze in his eyes sayz:
a) 'n e thing U can tug, I can tug better'
b) 'I'm the kind of child predator who actually loves the kids'
c) 'I listen to Justice'
d) 'I'm kute. hehe. talk to u later. love yall.'
e) Choose.Your.Own.Response

[I Can Teach U How 2 Blog It ]

The Lead Singer of Hot Chip &#38; His Child Predator Glasses

[Photo by Redheadwalking on flickr]

I think one day we will look back and realize that the lead singer of Hot Chip was one of the most important people in the history of the Serial Kiler/Child Predator Glasses Movement.

In this picture, he has the gaze of a man trapped in a society that doesn't understand the complexity of his social and emotional needs.

[Photo by Stephen Mcleod]

The National Sex offender Registry (look up predators in ur neighborhood and start a street fashion blog)

Scarlett Johansson wears child predator glasses to try to be more alt.

Scarlett Johansson is desperate to be alt. One time she had a make over to look exactly like Alice Glass. She's also released some super crappy MP3s, trying to ride Zooey Deschanel artsy fartsy consumerwave mainstream vibes to get more alt famous. I'm not sure why. She has a BANGIN mainstream body with a rack that haunts ur wet dreams. What else could a girl want?

Now she's wearing child predator glasses. I'd expect this out of an altbro,but not out of ScarJo...

What is ScarJo trying 2 prove?

She is truly trying to 'go Lou Pearlman.'

Goodnite, Tortured Child Predator Alts.

Have u ever gone over to a child's house with the intention of intimacy, only to be BUSTED by Chris Hansen?
Is ScarJo trying 2 hard 2 be alt?
Is she alt [via lost in translaish]?
Should she be excommunicated from _______?
Should she show off more of her BANGIN BOD?
Do u h8 when mnstrmrs try 2 b alt?

Former alternatween fashion blogger "Tavi" is "becoming a woman"

Who is that alt hottie McHotHot? Well, in case u didn't recognize her jaded-wave gaze and her keut bod, it happens to be popular tween fashion blogger 'Tavi Gevinson', who got all fashion internet blog famous because she was a fun-loving tween with a REFINED, HIGH-LEVEL taste in stuff, then ppl were all like 'ur so kewl and ur only 12 years old' and then she became marketable, and now magazines/designers 'use' her to get press even though she is the same as any other tween who shops at Claire's, Hot Topic, Old Navy, Justice, and where ever the hell girls shop.

Anyways, 'the blogosphere' is creaming their pants bc she is 'becoming a woman' and showing off her NEW BOD. I can't tell if she looks 'unique' or if she is going to turn into 'every other alt skank' who I have my eyes on about an hour before my local dive bar closes.

Miss u alternative innocence. HAVING SAID THAT... VA VA VA VOOM, BB!

When Tavi isn't doing normal teenage things like attending music festivals with friends she can often be found doing the extraordinary. At the moment she's co-writing a book about her life with Marisa Meltzer with contributions from Miranda July and the Rodarte Sisters.

She used to be a kutesy alt tween... but now, she is not a girl not yet a woman, which basically means the entire alt-osphere is waiting 4 her to turn 18. Do u miss the old Tavi?

She's only 15 years old, so I guess every1 will have their 'child predator glasses on' for ~3 more years.

Is Tavi 'a genius'?
Will she become 'less special' as she becomes older?
Will she get in2 dangerous drugs and fall out of blog relevancy?
Is Tavi the #1 most famous alt-teen girl on the internet of all time, or are u still more in2 Kiki Kannibal?

is it 'kreepy' to have an alt-countdown-to-18? Is Tavi the 'Miley Cyrus of the alt-osphere'?

They only want u when ur seventween....

Unchill AZN bro ruins chill game of foosball, wears child predator glasses.

u look kinda unchill again
wearing child predator glasses
inspiring Chris Hansen vibes

That's chill I guess
Possibly unchill
Who am I 2 judge?
I am not the God of Chill.

Only God can judge u/me/every1 we know
Only God knows who is chill nor unchill
Not trying to play 'Chill God'
I am a firm believer in divine chilltervention

But n e ways,
decided to go ahead and judge u
Just wanted to play a chill game of foosball
against u and Nico

But once again, u kinda ruined it.
You kept reaching on the table
making a 'little man' run around with 2 of ur fingers
kicking the ball
trying to cheat

I still won
but it was kinda annoying
I am all about the chill purity of the game
Not rlly all abt 'cheating' hard

Things got unchill when u got on the table
and did a sexie photo shoot
Wanted to play against some1 else
but the table was 'occupied.'

Tried 2 be a bro
Come 2 ur show
Check out my gurl Nico
Be supportive

Wish yall would take ur career more srsly
Act a lil bit more profesh

But maybe I'm asking 4 too much
Maybe I should just quit kidding myself
and remember that u r
the Unchill AZN bro

Only God can ________ me

Do yall think this bro is chill or unchill?
Would u play foosball with him?
Do u miss Nico?
Are child predator glasses still relevant?

The Harry Potter girl keeps trying to be alt, gets a little boy haircut 2 appeal 2 child preds

I have never read the Harry Potter books, nor have I seen the movies because I don't really like chain movies, even though I enjoy the consistency, familiarity and franchise structure of chain restaurants. It is actually my dream to open up a series of food franchises in a small town, forcing local businesses to shut down, making their former employees work for me at lowered wages where their 'seniority' is irrelevant.

N e ways, the girl from Harry Potter seems to have gotten a 'little boy haircut', probably to look alt, and possibly to 'appeal to child predators. Feel like she should do something zany with her hair, maybe 'spike it up' like a tween boy', or do a progressive wedge/Caesar haircut. Do u remember that time she went to that Music Festival with an Alty McAltAlt? [link] Do u think he cut her hair while she was sleeping?

s000 'millenial' of her to tweet out a new pic of herself just to get approval [via @ replies + retweets]

Here she is 'in the raw'. Feel like she might need to dress 'more feminine' to look less like a little boy so that hornie Harry Potter bros can still think of her as a high end tween sex icon.

Photo by the Arab Parrot

Have yall ever cut ur hair short?
Did u like 'looking like a man'?
was it 'empowering'?
Did u ever pretend you were Ellen Degeneres, wearing a strap-on penis around for the day just to 'feel powerful'?
Do u wish u could stay young forever?

R u more turned on by 'adult women' looking like little boys, or are you more of an authentic child predator who is into 'the real raw shit' [via having sexual issues]?
Or is 'growing old' and experimenting with ur identity and personal brand a fulfilling part of the modern human experience?
Is Emma Watson 'alt' or just 1 of those weirdo people from the UK who don't truly understand the beauty of modern American consumer-wave altdom?
Should Emma Watson start a slutwave band and 'show off dat body', wearing a series of zany coloured wigs?

Syndicate content