Congrats 2 every1 who entered the Vallytine's Day Contest [link]! We r all winners!
WHO DO U THINK IS THE KEUTEST?
Who really 'brought it' and took the game 2 such great heights?
Chillest Alt Cat Viber
Fan's Choice QT: #Born2Luv [determined by FB votes]
I would make it OFFISH with u N E DAY, bb!
I feel so alone on Vallytine's Day Nite...
Can u make it feel like home, if I tell u ur mine
Best New Russell Stover choco bro
Snacks who? #teamCatBro
Bro of the Competition
Authentically Chillest Lil Bro
Most Conceptual BB + Best New ▲
Cat who likes 2 vibe
Editor's Note: This Bro 'offed himself'. RIP, dark bro. We hardly even know who LDR even is any more...
We <3 u! Meet us at Olive Garden, bb!
Loneliest Olive Garden-wave bro
Email me pix of U in ur shirt! carleser [at] gmail.com <3 <3
Will u b my #Vallytine?
Where should we go on our Valentine's Nite Date?
Olive Garden, Chili's, Outback, Red Lobster, or ___________?
Congrats 2 #JimmyJangler! U jimmy jangled ur way straight into the hearts of HIPSTER RUNOFF readers in the Vally's Day Contest! More winners coming soon maybe! Yay! #Evry1isAWinner, if u rlly think abt it.
Order before Saturday Feb 11 at 1 PM EST, and u will get GUARANTEED Feb 14 delivery for USA orders.
LIMITED EDISH Red Vallytine's Day Shirt!
U look good, bb! Do u wanna go on a romantic date to Olive Garden with me? Maybe we can start a relevant buzzband and travel around the world 2gether.
Hey! Is that the winner of the Halloween Contest, Vampire Weekend At Bernie's Bro?
Do u want to go to Olive Garden on Valentine's Day?
We can share some salad and breadsticks.
I won't judge u if u 'pig out'
Because I truly <3 u
I waited, and waited.
Why didn't u meet me there?
In that moment, I was more alone than evr on #VallysDay
I regretted eating that creamy alfredo sauce chicken parm lasagna calzone create-ur-own pasta
I paid 4 it all night [via the bathroom]
Where were u?
Did u go to Red Lobster instead?
Maybe we should have gone to a combination Red Lobster/Olive Garden
Love is about compromise.
I had even stopped at WalMart to buy you a Russell Stover's box of Chocolates
Forrest Gump once said that Life is Like a Box Of Chocolates
Because u never know when ur d8 is going to #CyberBully and #SlutShame U
Are we 'Just Friends'?
Tonight, all I have is my own dark horniness and a box of Russell Stover's Chocolates
I have never felt more alone on Valentine's Day.
Bless U, #jimmyjangler
Who do u want 2 be ur Vallytine?
The Classic Blue shirt is 'also available'
Run, Carles, Run.
Miss u BB... Where did u go?!?!
'Give the Gift of Carles' to the person who u authentically <3.
Order by Saturday 1 PM EST for GUARANTEED VALLYS DAY DELIVERY IN THE USA.
Plz send me a pic of ur shirt if u go on a romantic d8 on Valentine's Day.
Who else won ur <3 in the contest?
It is hard 2 go thru a tough time
Sometimes u need the support of #hashtags
so that u don't feel alone on the internet
When every1 is #cyberbullying and #slutshaming u
U truly feel alone
Introducing the #PrayerWatch2k12: A Candlelight Vigil 4 Carles
Plz #pray4carles and ur message of <3 and support will be SHOWCASED at the top of HIPSTERRUNOFF dot com.
This is a dark time, and we need all we can help against the Corrupt Indie Machine. Thank u for ur #pray4carles prayers and vibes. Without u, we r nothing. Thank u 4 ur #Tweets and #Hashtags.
#pray4carles means that you stand against the Corrupt Indie Machine and the LIES and CORRUPT BUZZ that they FORCE DOWN the throats of the BLIND INDIE MASSES every day.
#pray4carles means that u r not alone
May the buzz gods bless all of u with eternal buzz and transcendent, timeless authenticity. Amen.
I have a blog called HIPSTER RUNOFF. Every day, I wake up, open my laptop, and type words that are stored in the internet as ‘content.’ My goal is to ‘get as many hits’ as possible because I metaphorically ‘have mouths to feed.’ I realize that at this point, it doesn’t matter if my content is ‘premium’, pseudo-brilliantly written web_prose or just ‘link-bait-wave,’ I was fortunate enough to not have gotten lost in the ‘long tail’ of indie music + Gen-Y-opinion-driven coverage blogs. Every day, I prey upon different buzz topics, exploiting my voice, but more importantly, my position as a ‘recognized outlet 4 buzz’ to try to trick people into thinking I am ‘relevant’, which basically just means that I am trying to make ppl talk abt my blog and get them addicted to my web brand even if they hate it because even when they are like ‘OMG THAT’S TOTAL BULLSHIT’ it is just some sort of post-grassroots-h8-wave-warketing.
My goal as a website is to ‘be the ass hole who pointlessly interjects himself into the conversation’ without being as overtly annoying as ‘the ass hole who always pointless interjects himself into the conversation.’
Lana Del Rey is the perfect buzz topic, and I’ll never forget the times we shared in late 2k11 and early 2k12. I honestly do wish the best for her career, not because I have a rooting interest in her/care about her as a person, but because Lana Del Rey is an important search term to refer viewers to my website.
Sometimes I wonder, when it’s all said and done, and the internet is deleted, will I only be remembered as “The Guy Who Invented Chillwave?”
It feels like Lana Del Rey was sent down from the buzz heavens, God’s way to save us from the well-documented buzz drought that has plagued us since early 2k10. Some blamed the buzzbands for not putting out solid mp3s. They said that there were not enough buzzworthy bands 2 authentically buzz and that buzz was being misappropriated unfairly due to blogosphere favors and the fear of hurting the feelings of legacy, past-their-prime buzzbands. In the post-LDR bubble burst world, we are finally able to see what caused the buzz drought: it was the bloggers, the writers, the content farmers, and the implosion of the sub-prime buzzing crisis that has been the expanding crack in the foundation the indie blogging and content farming infrastructure since as far back as 2k8.5.
LanaBB officially redefined the core competencies of the ‘indie blogosphere.’
We used to be tastemakers. We used to be regulators. We used to be trustworthy. We used to be a valuable resource. Lana made it okay for us to post magazine covers. Lana Del Rey was pretty enough to post even the most irrelevant performance video. For the first time, Lana Del Rey took indie blogs over ‘the edge’, and made it okay for us to speculate about her physical appearance, which is way more interesting than trying to figure out if her artistic ambitions are ‘relevant’/pure. Basically, Lana Del Rey finally marginalized ‘the decently-enough-thought-out opinion piece’ into a worthless meme that any one could poop out.
#LDRSNL marked another maturation/retardation milestone for ‘online indie journalism’, bringing the indie blogosphere from a humble place that posted MP3s with generally positive/neutral commentary, and flung us right into the generalist meme-blurb content farm spotlight. We scrambled like enslaved content farmers, minutes after the performance to preserve our Google rank with a perfectly placed headline. We were ready to chew up and spit out memes, finally ‘graduating to the big leagues’ with a ‘big boy meme’, not just some other over-written ‘spotlight’ on a group of poor dudes from Brooklyn who were ToTtaLLY wErTh ChEcKiNg OuT and/or the typical ‘no one cares--what happened to REAL music?’ reaction pieces to said buzzband.
Buzz experts truly believe that Lana Del Rey is the last artist/band that the network of indie blog buzz will have a role in ‘hyping.’ The happy days of the AnCo 2k9 buzzosphere are long gone, and we all cannot just get along. After Lana Del Rey, we live in a hypeless world where we trust no outlet, now that we have finally seen the hype apocalypse because the LDR snake-eating-its-own-tail cycle has finally ended, and the sum is “-0” [via undefined]. Readers who once thought that they were reading organic, farm-grown content will feel misled, angry, and betrayed by the warped context of blogs.
I’ll admit that as a blog, I am obsessed, and probably over-estimate the impact of ‘modern web media’ on ‘reality.’ But it seems like LDR was a blogosphere ‘passion project’ that we incubated, and got to ‘tear down’ for the sake of generating, controlling, and commenting our own content. We enjoyed it, sorta like while u r stroking ur peen, but then u finally ‘effing blow’, and you are not sure whether you should admit ‘how good’ it felt. After #LDRSNL, no one is sure who has control of the #LDR meme any more. It was her viking meme funeral, even if she goes on to achieve mad sales in Europe/decent sales in America.
“Where r u Lizzy Grant? R u okay? I swear, I care about you. Blogs r mean. :-(”
-some blog with female readers
LDR should probably make other alt famous humans and upcoming buzz humans incredibly nervous, because the silent agreement of ‘pandering’ to indie celebs is over. The concept Indie celebrity may or may not exist, but a successful blog now must realize that the way indie blogs ‘baby’ the ‘alt famous’ in order to preserve relationships can no longer exist. Mudslinging will be beneficial to both parties. Maybe after LDR, it will no longer be a good idea to be ‘an anonymous’ project because then dumb blogs will just use Google to construct an unfair narrative for you.
I think the most interesting/most-covered story to come out of the #LDRSNL tank job was the ‘widely read and covered’ story about the guy who invented Gawker and revolutionized modern content farming, Nick Denton, publishing a private email from famous NBC newsanchor Brian Williams for the sake of ‘winning hits’ and introducing the Gawker web-brand to non-readers. In the email, NBC Nightly news anchor Brian Wiliams basically just says LDR is a disgrace, but I guess it is ‘interesting’ because he works for NBC, or something. His commentary on ‘her’ as a ‘person’ is as arbitrary & worthless as yours or mine, but the keyword synergy behind the story is ‘so money’ and it ‘doesn’t even know it’, except Gawker’s genius content farm editor has a sixth sense for virality that most crappy bloggers will never have. A.J. Daulerio will always be remembered as one of the Founding Fathers of Modern Content Farming.
As I struggle to deal with my own periodic content farm existential crises, I wish I could have just invented Gawker. We could’ve had it all. Rolling in the deep pool of unique visitors.
In no way is the ‘conversion of blogs to content farms’ and ‘the secret corporate nature of indie blogs’ a fresh, relevant, or innovative ‘take’. I am just trying to share my view from inside the meme prison with you. Lana Del Rey and I are on this content farm together sort of like we are the last and only two humans left on Earth. We hate eachother, but at the same time we need eachother to stay alive. There will never be any sort of cathartic epiphany where we admit wrong-doing, nor will there ever be a genuine reconciliation. We will never have what feels like a ‘real’ relationship with Lana Del Rey.
Where does ‘the modern media’s relationship’ with Lana Del Rey go from here?
Unfortunately for indie bloggers, it is back to posting dumb MP3s and serving as a well-crafted PR blast for bands that every1 already knows about. As ‘writers’/people who publish text to webpages on the internet, can we be so sure that another meme comet like Lana Del Rey will come again in our lifetime? Will we sit on our porch, every day looking up at the sky, wondering if another Lana will come by... Or this this our final chance to ‘commit suicide’ with other members of our stupid cult in an effort to be transported into the buzz spaceship that is trailing in the tail of the comet [via Heaven’s Gate/Marshall Applewhite vibes]?
Why do we keep going?
Why do we keep farming in the name of blogging in the name of writing?
In the name of authentic music journalism? What more in the name of authentic music journalism.
-Bono [via U2]
Online publishing is ‘relatively new’ [via long-term historical contexts]. I guess this is just a natural part of the maturation process of the beloved idea of the indie blogosphere. But who even wants to be a part of indie blog farming any more?
Even the most ‘talented’ people who ‘write things on the internet that are actually worth reading’ and/or are reduced to farm fodder. Every character of a writer, blog, or content farm’s 140 character or less tweet is cringe-worthy, 100% worth resenting. Part of me feels ‘confused’ as to why any one would even want to ‘be a music writer’, or write about bands/humans/music on the internet. It takes a warped personality to believe that any one ‘gives a damn about what you and ur crappy website’ thinks, unless you are being paid handsomely for it, then you can sort of approach it like a desk job. It will dehumanize you every day, but at least it pays the bills.
Who is ‘actually passionate’ about ‘how they feel about Lana Del Rey’? It doesn’t matter if you are writing an ‘IN DEFENSE OF LANA DEL REY’ or if you are writing a hilarious and/or insightful web culture + societal takedown piece that accurately deconstructs #LDRgate with an original angle. We all have the same motive. Can 1 voice really shift an entire conversation? What the eff do u think ur gonna tastemake? Do u think u can really make another LDR? Those days are gone, child. We’ve peaked. It’s over. The machine’s broken. Somebody call the Geek Squad.
I am on the edge. I no longer believe in blog evolution. I no longer believe in buzz creationism. I am a believer in buzz intelligent design.
It is interesting to think that there is a generation who even finds these memes to be ‘interesting’ enough to think that they want to be a part of the indiesphere discussion. Do they think the can ‘save’ it by showing us cool, new bands? Do they think they can save us from the content farming doom? Do they think that they can reverse the impact of social media on the speedy, link-baiting nature of all websites, designed to ‘get a good jump on’ SEO?
The indie blogosphere is over the hill. Our opinions are old, tired, uninspired. The next generation will follow our lead, continuing to turn things into poo, inspired by the biased outlook on indie celebrity and relevance that we portrayed to them for years. There is nothing worth saving. Everything is COMPLETELY EFFED, but it will keep going, and we will keep writing that it is COMPLETELY EFFED, but no1 really cares and there isn’t really anything to fix so I guess maybe we should act like it is a beautiful indie film and find ‘happiness and peace’ with that truth.
It is all just sort of just ‘funnie’ but also ‘sad.’ Are the dreams in which Lana Del Rey is dying on the stage of SNL = the best we’ve ever had?
Lana Del Rey saw it coming. We all saw it coming.
In the post-LDR blogging era, I feel free to openly admit that I don’t care about honoring ‘bands that sound good’. The opinions that I have on bands are not actually my own, and my goal is not to preserve a relationship with readers or bands/artists based on editorial pandering. All I can do is ‘go down in flames’ with my sweet, Princess LanaBB. My demented online personality that motivates me to type these words in order to accumulate hits, empathy, praise, and controversy does not have much time left.
Wag The Blog.
Cultural criticism on the internet is dying because we finally realized that the voices behind blogs, twitter feeds, and authentic writing outlets are as fat, bored, uninspired, and jealous as the fat, bored, uninspired, and jealous voices that we thought we had escaped from.
I am not a writer. I am not a blogger. I am a content farmer. These words mean more to the Google robot than they do 2 u. There is nothing exciting about writing, tweeting, or sharing opinions. I do not want to inspire any one to follow me into this dark prison, surrounded by a pile of memes, while I must sort thru them and spin them as ‘meaningful’, ‘interesting’, or whatever else will generate a pageview.
Lana & Me had it all. I’ll look back and think about what I could have done differently. But I'll also think about how beautiful our effed up relationship was and how it some how 'just worked.'
To music and indie purists, Lizzy Grant is the AntiChrist.
To indie modernists and loveslaves of internet content, Lana Del Rey is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Having said that, Lana Del Rey hit a GRAND SLAM on SNL. U did it, BB! I am proud of u. U took 1 for ‘the team’, and now we’re all gonna go to Pizza Hut after the game to celebrate. C U THERE. Let’s share a pitcher of Pepsi. We deserve it. We worked hard.
Is Lana Del Rey indie’s ‘Rebecca Black moment’?
Is LDR ‘not even a big deal’?
Do all buzz humans die?
What’s ur fave content farm?
What’s the future of indie blogosphere?
Do u generally feel ‘who cares’ abt it all?
Do u mainly load webpages ‘out of habit’ not rlly because the site emotionally resonates with u?
If u thought LDR album cycle #1 was fun, are you PUMPED for album cycle #2 in 2-3 years?
Does LDR 'have it all' or 'have nothing'?
Do u <3 LDR for emancipating us from being farm slaves?
Can the farm become self-ware [via skynet]?
Where is Lana Del Rey right now?
Set to the tune of Garth Brooks' "The Dance"
Looking back on the memory of
The Lana Del Rey meme harvest we shared on all the content farms
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
U could have missed the pain, cyberbullying and slutshaming
But I'd of had to miss the great Lana Del Rey meme harvest
Memeing you, I memed everything
For a moment, wasn't I the king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know... I might have changed it all...
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go [via SNL]
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the Lana Del Rey meme harvest
Yes my bloglife is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the Great Lana Del Rey meme harvest
Luv u Lana. Mean it. <3 :-*
Pictured: Alice Glass and Ethan Kath of Crystal Castles bronoodle with DJ Frodo (aka Elijah Wood) at #VIPfest
Last Friday was #VIPfest, presented by HIPSTER RUNOFF, the Cobrasnake, and Svedka Vodka. It seemed pretty alt/relevant. That bro from Lord of the Rings showed up. I think he has a DJ career. Then Crystal Castles showed up and played a relevant bleepy bloop DJ set. Every1 enjoyed flavored Svedka, which seemed kinda alt, but potentially kinda Kool-Aid-wave.
The Cobrasnake has evolved in2 a branded human, facilitating branded experiences.
Keut shoes, bb! I like ur Desert-Storm-wave fatigues! I thought they didn't let gheys in the military!
Carles was ready 2 partie!
Branding [via Svedka]
R u VIP??
Pictured (left to right): Flosstradomus, some alt floozie, Kid Sister, Johnny Makeup, some QT bb
Yay 4 the Bulls! I <3 Chicago!
Mark Hunter shares Svedka vodka with some alt floozies
Carles photobombs 2 twinks
Do u like Cults, bb? I read abt them on some buzzblogs!
A moderately chill AZN bro showed up
Drank 2 much flavored SVEDKA vodka, ended up peeing by a dumpster
Pouring some Svedka 4 a blipster bro
Ethan burned a rlly kewl mix CD to play on the club's boombox
Miss u Alice bb... Wish u were holding my hand instead of that can of PBR...
Did u go 2 #VIPfest?
Do u wish u were there?
Did it seem relevant or mnstrm?
R u inspired 2 try Svedka, or are 'branded experiences' wastes of money?
Is there even such thing as VIP n e more, or is every1 a VIP?
I can't be afraid any more.
Afraid 2 be forever relevant.
Afraid 2 continue my pursuit 4 authentic buzz
Afraid of the expectations of the buzzosphere
This is my blogspot
A vital part of the alt internet
Many ppl emailed me
asking "Carles, why have u failed us?"
Many words of encouragement
Ppl saying they missed me
Saying they were lost, and unable 2 determine
what IS and IS NOT relevant
They could no longer 'LOL' and giggle at the internet
No longer laugh at the indie alt celebs who exist in our blogosphere
Instead, they were forced to read blogs with pseudo-'personality'
That act like every mp3 is God's gift 2 indie
No1 was here 2 talk abt who PANNED who
No1 was here 2 blog abt life
No1 was here 2 be an authentic arbiter of buzz
I am NOT a tastemaker
I am an arbiter of buzz
This is me
Ready 2 take on the world
after my VACAY
It was great 2 take my 2 weeks
But now the blog must go on
The memes never stop
The buzzosphere will have its ups and downs
But the Circle of Buzz is a beautiful process that must be celebrated.
This is our celebration
Welcome back, Carles
Did anything relevant happen while I was gone?
Last night I had a dream that I was in a relevant dive bar, drinking an imported beer with God. He told me, "Son. I'm proud of you. Don't be so afraid. Be yourself. Move forward. Listen. Listen to the people."
I replied, "I'm scared, God."
"What are you scared of?"
"Maybe I just don't have it any more. Maybe this whole blog thing isn't for me."
Jesus took a sip of beer and responded, "Carles. You have always been an authentic bro. That will never change. This above all, to thine own bro be true."
He was right. In that moment, I tuned out the classic new wave blasting in the background, and I realized something had been missing from my life for the past week or so. I had given away something that meant so much to me to a few acquaintances who I had met at a Blogging and Internet Workshop in late 2007. I had given my blog to Becca, Mike, and Reginald. It was time to stop running away from my problems. It was time to confront my fears as a blogger.
God eyed a cute 17 year old lingering by the DJ booth, obviously afraid to buy a drink and risk getting carded by the 35 year old bartendercore bartender. I knew he was about to bail on me to take advantage of some sweet, young vagina--he was really into being 'daddy' to so many young girls who needed lessons on 'how to be a hipster' before he ditched them when they turned 18.
Godbro turned to me and said, "Carles. You know what you need to do. I'm not going to tell you, because the answer is inside of you." He walked towards the 17 year old, and his thick FleetFox-like beard was like a blowjie magnet to the 17-year old prey. Needless to say, God had booked a one-way ticket to Cum City, USA. He looked at me and said, "Cha-ching" then pretended to put a penis in his mouth, representing the eventual blowjob he would get in the bar restroom.
I walked out of the bar into the cold of the night. I knew what I had to do.
"I'm going to get my blog back."
I went home and took my Macbook Pro out of the recycling bin.
"We all have a reason to be alive. Michael Jordan was put on this Earth to put balls in baskets. Michael Jackson was put here to entertain. Tiger Woods was put on this Earth to _________. I am here to blog. This bro is me. This blog is me."
This is Carles. After spending some time away from the internet, I decided that it was time to unretire. After reading thousands of emails and tweets from concerned followers, I finally understand why I am alive. I was put on this Earth to blog. For those of you who don't know, blogging is an art form invented sometime in the 1990s, but gained tons of steam in the 2k0s.
In many interviews with numerous esteemed paper magazines, many interviewers ask me, "When did you know that this is what you wanted to do? When did you know that you are the Hipstar Ranoff?" I remember when I was a child, I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer, or a professional in some other field that would offer me a bright financial future, with a chance to make a difference in my local community. Something that would give me the opportunity to raise a well-fed family and drive a nice car to my nice home every night. Then I turned into a teenager/post-teenager, and discovered my alternative identity. I wanted to express myself, contribute to 'the arts', or possibly some sort of niche micro-scene. I wanted to be paid for 'being myself,' or at least create a marketable self and 'make Am Appy ad $$$$.'
"For a minute there, I lost myself"
I must not be afraid of the opportunity that is the Hipster Ronuff blog. I must move forward, promoting progressive journalism and web media. I must continue analyzing mainstream and alternative topics. Carles has been widely regarded as 'the last great music critic/journalist.' Additionally, many websites like Pitchfork Media and GorillaVsBear credit Carles for the success of breaking such bands as Animal Collective, Neon Indian, and Grizzly Bear. With Carles acting as a consumer tastemaker forecaster and trendsetter, the scene is truly a better place. The Mission of the Carles is still alive. The Passion of the Carles is still alive in his 'tribe'/'twitter following.'
"The Passion of the Carles."
We can't forget about the teens/tweens.
We can't forget about the former altbros.
We can't forget about the middle aged music criticism core bros.
We can't forget about the 'ppl who like to laugh at effing hipsters.'
We can't forget about the readers.
The readers who take this blog very seriously.
We must move forward together.
We must be trendsetters together.
We must filter out the finest bands/memes/tweets for our consumption.
This is our internet. This is our country. This is our generation. This is our bloggiosphere 2.
"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive"
Srsly worried about 2k10 though. Feel like 'the rug will be pulled out from under us' unless we 'put together a plan' to 'totally overhaul the scene', throwing past trends/bands/fashions under the bus, and moving forward. The next decade will be our last war, holding on to the power of our demographic as a consumer force before the tween generation evolves. We must get better jobs. We must not have kids. We must control trends so that tweens are late-adopters to technology/products/brands/etc. We must uphold the brands that we hold dear, and not make them affordable to minorities and the poors.
When 2k10 begins, "Alt" will end. These are the last days of Alt. These are the last days of 'indie.'
This is my mission. I am Carles. A blog.
"God Bless us...Every One."
-the people who branded 9-11
They say u don't realize how much something means 2 u
until u lose it
or it gets hacked
or ur compy crashes and 'ur whole life is on there'
or a member of ur immediate family dies.
learning how 2 blog again.
this is carles
Thnx 4 being my true bro. <3 u
Hey yall. HIPSTER RUNOFF has been sold. Some famous comedian almost bought it, but he was outbid by another chill bro. It is chill. I am happy. Don't worry, I'm doing okay. It will be chill. New vibes. Chill bros. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginningz end." The Semisonixxx Closing Times
I have finally realized that I want to be a part of the auth movement, so I will try to start an auth buzzband. I will be playing SXSW if I can find a van 2 ride there in and I am open 2 playing 'high priced corporate DJ gigs' that aren't officially affiliated with Coachella as well. As always, you can say 'goodbye' 2 me here.
I'll holler at u when I have something buzzworthy 4 u. I guess all I ever wanted was 2 b a bzz human. An auth ass buzz human.
Thanks 2 all of the authentic commenters who have emailed me. I appreciate all of u.
It felt great 2 cnnct with meaningful ppl on the internet 4 so long.
Hello. Thank you for noticing our redesign. Here are some notes and design decisions on behalf of the in-house design firm:
- Helvetty is 'entry level' now.
- Helvetty is s000 2k_L8.
- There are pictures to click on.
- There are words to click on.
- Stuff is in different places.
- Things have changed.
- Things have stayed the same.
- It is functional.
- It is not functional.
- It is for the power user
- It is for the internet passerby.
- Send us your feedback.
- We know what we are doing, it is for the best of 'the brand' and will not change for anything
- We want to live forever as a website.
- We are irrelevant/will die soon.
- Our website looks like a website.
- Web Design is the master art
- The internet will disappear when humans no longer exist
- Aliens had the internet hundreds of millions of years ago. It is a flawed technology and cloud computing will fail us.
The Design Team
CARLES IS BACK?
Is Carles back?
Was Carles gone?
I was Carles?
I am Carles?
Carles is irrelevant.
Carles is a h8r.
Carles doesn't care any more.
Carles cares too much.
Carles is bullshit.
Carles has lost his way.
Carles is back.
Carles is BACK BACK.
Carles DROPPED another #TRUTHBOMB.
Carles did his best.
Carles is doing his best.
Carles doesn't care about you.
Carles cares too much.
Carles is back.
Carles is back?
Carles is back.
Carles was never here.
Carles is back!
Finally! The real Carles! #intern
Carles. Back. Now.
Carles is back!
-sent from my <3
This post was written by our #SXSW correspondent, 22 year old Frank Marshten, a college intern from the School of Journalism at the University of Missouri.
We battled for tacos, brisket, and friends at #SXSW, but no showcase was more coveted than #VIPfest, thrown by Carles of HIPSTER RUNOFF. The line to this place was at least 3 blocks long, and even if you were VIP status, they were turning people away to a spillover venue to watch a livestream because it was just at capacity. Hell, I Got in and it felt like it was overcapacity. People passed out along the walls after ingesting a cocktail of drugs, vibes, and VIP. FULL DISCLOSURE: I had a few cold ones.
Carles stepped up to the DJ booth, and every1 was going APESHIT. Carles grabbed the microphone, and said, "Tonight, we're all fucking VIP!" Every one began to chant, "V-I-P! V-I-P!" Then Carles dropped the SICKEST DJ set I have heard since young Skrillex was coming up in the scene. The VIP area was going crazy, and it was the relevant hot spot for SO many ALT CELEBS and MAINSTREAM celebs.
It was a real #gamechanger of a night, and every one was chanting "GAME-FUCKING-OVER" after the set. Many people can't get along, but one thing is for sure--we can all agree that Carles KILLED IT, SLEIGHED, and NAILED IT while CRUSHING THE EFF OUT OF IT.
Welcome back to the HIPSTER RUNOFF experience. It has been a dark stretch, where our servers were HACKED. We have taken increased measures to minimize downtime and maximize server optimization security measures. At this point, we do not know who hacked HIPSTER RUNOFF, but many ppl have suspected that the world is out 2 get Carles and his FREE BUZZCULTURE SPEECH blog HIPSTER RUNOFF.
- Lana Del Rey
- Lana Del Rey's team
- Lizzie Grant's domain hoarding father
- Bon Iver's team
- Justin Vernon
- Corrupt Indie Machine
- Best Coast
- The AZN guy in Best Coast
- Bethany Cosentino by Urban Outties
- Urban Outfitters
- Person who h8s Carles from high school
- Person who h8s Carles from college
- Person who h8s Carles
- Employee at Subway restaurant who Carles got mad at for putting too much mustard on sammy
- Coalition of lamestream blogs
- Buzzband that never got any buzz
- Alt Hackers
- Ppl who don't 'get' buzz
- Ppl who support the Corrupt Indie Machine
- Ppl who read blogs that are a part of the Corrupt Indie Machine.
- Carles hacked Carles
- Former buzz enemies
- Angry hashtags
- Angry birds
- Angry content farmers
- Coalition of Alt Celebs who support the fake buzz that is created by the Corrupt Indie Machine
Carles is back.
Sometimes it takes 'losing it all' 2 realize how much
something means 2 u
Don't be afraid 2 let something be meaningful 2 u
A blog can live inside of ur <3
if it authentically farms content
I learned my lesson
Don't be afraid to let a BLOG be ur BFF
I'll be there 4 u evry day
2 make u more relevant
Bc I care abt u
Did u miss HIPSTER RUNOFF?
Were u worried that it would be gone 4evr?
Was Carles just 'lying' abt everything?
Is Carles DESPERATE 4 attention?
Who HACKED Hipster Runoff?
Did Carles 'totally eff up' his relevant site?
Should Carles have stayed gone 4evr?
How do u feel abt the Return of HIPSTER RUNOFF?
Can Carles 'save' his web_brand?
Bon Iver's Justin Vernon apologizes 2 Carles. Has he won the first battle against the Corrupt Indie Machine?By Carles on 10 Feb 2012
We fight against the Corrupt Indie Machine 4 u.
This week, a battle was launched against Carles by Justin Vernon. He stood against Independent Indie Media. He stood against The Indie Truth. He stood against indie free speech and the Progressive Alt Blogosphere.
Many speculated that he was a part of the Corrupt Indie Machine.
Perhaps he has seen the light, taking to #Twitter to issue a formal apology 2 Carles. He said, "sorry CRLS."
In the fight against the Corrupt Indie Machine, maybe we should all be sorry. Sorry 4 letting our indie society come 2 this.
Should Carles have apologized 2 Bron Iver?
Is Carles just 'milking this meme 4 hits'?
Is Carles 'a complete effing ass hole' who is 'self-obsessed' and only cares abt promoting the brand of his slow loading blog?
Who are the winners and losers of the Bon Iver Vs Carles battle?
How can we win the war against the Corrupt Indie Machine?
Is Bon Iver 'actually a chill bro' or a harshly vibed bro, taking to Twitter 2 voice too many of his dark thoughts?
Which indie artists should be banned from Twitter by their publicists?
Do u <3 the new era of 'indie journalism' where blogs basically just over-analyze minuscule, unimportant tweets that are actually just the irrelevant, passive thoughts of artists who are bored?
The war of Twitter words between Carles and Bon Iver continues, but now, famous indie celebrity Justin Vernon has acquired the support of Tour De France winner Lance Armstrong. It seems as though Carles has truly been backed into a lonely corner of the internet against the fame and power of celebrities like Justin Vernon and Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong is an Austin resident and long-time fan of indie music, particularly in the cool dad genre. Armstrong is actually probably one of the coolest dads in the world, though--not just some dad with a leather interior-ed car listening to NRR-wave rock.
Lance Armstrong himself has been the victim of baseless claims of doping by many anonymous cowards, and can identify with Justin Vernon's crusade against hate in the blogosphere.
This is a dark moment for Carles, who is on record as a Lance Armstrong supporter and avid cycling fan, even contributing an Article during last year's Tour De France [link]. particularly against long time rivals Alberto Contador. Carles has followed Lance Armstrong's post-cancer cycling career and has drawn great inspiration from his time on US Postal Service, Discovery Channel, Astana, and Radio Shack. Not only is Carles a supporter of Lance Armstrong as an American cyclist, but also other Americans like George Hincapie, Levi Leipheimer, and David Zabriskie. Carles is also a supporter of the LIVESTRONG foundation, as some of his closest friends and family members have fought against cancer.
Carles still remains an Armstrong and LIVESTRONG supporter and fan, despite Vernon showcasing the reach of his mainstream indie power and connections.
This is truly a turning point for the entire indiesphere, where we all must ask ourselves HOW IS THE BUZZ REALLY MADE? Are the words we read, mp3s we stream, and music videos that we embed safe for consumption, or have they been artificially tainted by corrupt buzz?
Is Carles 'over'?
Is this the beginning of the end?
Is Carles a coward, hiding behind 'anonymity'?
Is the indie media 'turning' / abandoning HIPSTER RUNOFF?
Is this a 'non-story' / 'just an example of how blogs are desperate to farm any content that involves entities that drive page views'?
Or has the indie media proven that they are on #TeamBonIver by not 'covering' this important moment in Indie Free Speech?
Why can't we all just farm and produce organic, authentic buzz together?
Because it is CHEAPER for the CORRUPT indie media to farm it at low-cost prices with CHEAP LABOR writers and bloggers.
The Dirty Projectors are a critically respected buzzband, whose buzz trajectory underwent a massive metamorphosis in 2k9 after adjusting their band lineup. However, after the recent Twitter beef that Bon Iver's lead singer started with the popular weblog HIPSTER RUNOFF, many other relevant buzz humans and buzzbands are rushing to support the #cyberbullying and #slutshaming of Carles. The Dirty Projectors backup singer Amber Coffman is the next to speak out against Carles and his controversial editorial voice. She supports Bon Iver, claiming that HIPSTER RUNOFF is a site that exists to "tries to cheapen + ruin everyone's hard work, everything that is positive/fun. so dark."
It seems like there is a TRUE indie war brewing between buzzbands rebelling against the blogs that buzz them. Earlier today, Carles went on a massive tweet spree, throwing out indie conspiracies about how buzz is truly created due to secret pacts and gladhanding between major music websites, indie labels, and relevant buzz celebrities. There is truly a Blogosphere Civil War happening right before our eyes. Whose side are you on?
Amber went on to tweet:
"it's not like @hipsterrunoff doesn't know how to be funny. they could do it without the hatred, but i guess h8tred gets u more "buzz" huh?"
In the new blogosphere world, 'talking mad shit' about a buzzband will get you more hits, buzz, comments, unique visitors, and social media links than the majority of crappy MP3s and videos by fringe buzzbands that no one cares about.
In the past, Carles has 'riffed' and/or 'joked' on the Dirty Projectors, claiming that lead singer Dave Longstreth 'operated his band' as if it was a cult of brainwashed wives, paying them not in money, but in the arbitrary currency of alt buzz. Carles has often 'joked' that the Dirty Projectors were unbuzzworthy before he acquired 3 PREMIUM hot altbaguettes, then, the male, misogynistic blogosphere 'took a liking to them' not just because of their vocal harmonies, but because of the sweet, sweet harmonies of their premium alt good looks when u go 2 see them live. They could just yodel and howl in discordance over random guitar riffs, and it would be sweet, sweet music to our eyes.
None of the altbaguettes could be reached for confirmation on their salary structure, song-writing royalties, or equity in the band. Much of what Carles says is not based on fact, some claiming that he is a 'parody' writer. But maybe anonymous parody goes too far, cyberbullying under the cloak of secrecy without any accountability. Twitter is abuzz with conspiracy theories, claiming that the only reason the Dirty Projectors issued public comment is to construct a narrative for their upcoming 2k12 album cycle.
Buzzbands are truly turning on Carles and HIPSTER RUNOFF. After his critically acclaimed coverage of #LDRGate, it seems like buzzbands want the blogosphere to 'go back to the way it used to be' in the beginning. Now, blogs are fighting for hits, doing anything they can to turn indie musicians into CELEBRITIES, processed like a meat market. Perhaps now we are only just learning how the sausage is actually made in this corrupt indie industry.
Is the buzzluminati trying to 'silence' Carles?
Are buzzbands turning on HIPSTER RUNOFF?
Do u still <3 Amber even though she is harshing the HRO vibes?
Does not even Dave Longstreth care abt what Amber Coffman has 2 say [via domineering buzzband leaders]?
Is HIPSTER RUNOFF 'effing toast'?
Will every1 do ANYTHING 4 buzz?
IS everything 'going to shit'?
Who can we trust?
What is happening?
Are u on #TeamCarles or #TeamDP or #TeamBonIver?
Why Can't We All Just Ride Chillwaves 2gether [via getting along]
Bon Iver HATES HIPSTER RUNOFF
Bon Iver is a tenured indie buzzband who brought the soothing sounds of a lonely man in the pure rural American vibes to the mainstream, recently earning a Grammy nomination for his contribution to the arts and mindie scene. He is at the mainstream indie mountain top, mad record sales, critical buzz, truly on top of the world. You have to remember that Bon Iver was buzz incubated in a time when there was 'no internet h8', and instead of creating backlash to generate buzz, you just had to release decent MP3s and promote your local scene. The entire indie game is changing so quickly that sometimes it is hard to keep up with the modern backlash-wave-indie-celebrity-driven-zeitgeist.
Recently, in the spirit of a true alt, Justin Vernon is on record as saying 'Eff the Grammies, man!'
It seems as though today, he is saying 'Eff you' to another very important cultural institution: The popular weblog HIPSTER RUNOFF and the blogger/mastermind behind it all named 'Carles.' After a recap post about the band's performance on SNL entitled 'Bon Iver sounds like dying indie rock on SNL, has mysterious HUGE black teenager in backing band, Vernon took to his passionate Twitter account to #slutshame Carles. Previously, Carles blogged about his fitness regimen, highlighting his dedication to health and fitness [link]. We are not sure what Justin Vernon (commonly referred to as Bon Ivbro) has taken issue with.
However, he has gone on record, calling HIPSTER RUNOFF basically 'the scum of the Earth.' Right now, the entire indie blogosphere has been muddied by TABLOID JOURNALISM, especially after the rise of Lana Del Rey. Even the most established indie sites and blogs are lost, searching for an authentic editorial voice in the face of booming SEO results and ANGRY readers. While some blogs will continue to use their weak editorial voice to write 'lukewarm praise' of any embeddable content made by a widely known indie celeb, Carles MUST be celebrated for his position as the Last Authentic Content Farmer Standing. Recently, the New York Times and the New Yorker celebrated The Passion of the Carles.
Others claim that Carles is dedicated to eternally belittling the artistic intentions of every one, attempting to cheapen real people who are 'trying to do something that helps the world.' They fear that he has evolved into the last indie gatekeeper, creating the (usually artificial) narrative that could either MAKE or BREAK a buzzband OR buzz human's entire career. The truth is, Carles might be the dead end of overvalued cultural commentators who have no authority to pass any judgment on anything, but still write words that sound important and sometimes impact 'reality.'
The truth is, Carles has given so much to the indie scene, and for buzzbands to GANG UP on him 2 cyberbully could lead to a backlash against said bands. If we take a step back from the situation, we are all just staring at the impending indie apocalypse straight in the face. Sometimes it is important to ask yourself: Are you a part of the problem, or are you a part of the solution? After everything that Carles has done for the indie scene on a day-to-day basis, some say that Vernon has crossed the line and needs to do a wider examination of the state of Buzz. On the other hand, many are calling for the head of Carles. It is only a matter of time before Indie's Last Battle results in the death of all of us.
Justin Vernon could not be reached for comment. He is rumored to be watching the film 'Gettysburg' on a sweet home entertainment system.
R u on #TeamBonIver or #TeamCarles?
Was it mean of Bon Iver to LASH OUT at Carles like this?
Has Carles 'crossed the line'?
Is Bon Iver 'just another buzz human who hates Carles'? [via growing list]
Will the NPR cool dads who vibe to Bon Iver 'boycott' reading HRO, or are they already on lame content farms anyways?
Is Bon Iver 'in pain'?
Is this just a 'generational disconnect issue'?
Is this the beginning of the end of HIPSTER RUNOFF?
Will Bon Iver lead a campaign 2 put HRO out of biz?
Does Bon Iver have 'rose colored glasses on' when he visits the blogosphere, expecting every blogpost to have the same loving tone as a local news puff piece?
Who is 'right' and who is 'wrong'?
Does Carles TOTALLY FUCKING SUCK?
In a way, do we all totally effing suck bc we are buzz humans trapped on the internet reading abt buzz humans?
Why can't we all just ride chillwaves 2gthr?
The Lana Del Report has been HIGHLY CONTROVERSIAL, representing a new editorial direction for HIPSTER RUNOFF. However, the reviews are in. Despite the rampant cries of 'SLUT SHAMER!', it seems as though Carles is getting his due as the 'last real nigga' in the blogging game. While many other indie, rock, and pop critics and blogspot content farms have attempted to cover LDR with a hard-hitting, unique point of view, they have all failed, perhaps signaling the death of music criticism as whole, mainly bc no1 cares.
Carles has truly stomped all over traditional standards of music criticism, making the old voices of yesteryear sound naggier and more out of touch with reality than ever. Now, some local New York Zine called 'The New Yorker' has praised Carles for being a breath of fresh air in the great content purge of 2k12.
The truth is, you can't talk about Lana Del Rey without talking about Carles and his popular weblog HIPSTER RUNOFF. Carles and Lana have a synergistic relationship, and both of them could very well go down in flames 2gether. But today... They celebrate.
The allegedly homemade clip for her single “Video Games,” from the new album, has racked up more than twenty-one million views on YouTube since it was posted, last August; the song has gone into the Top Ten in the U.K. and several other countries; and the popular blog Hipster Runoff has rebranded itself the Lana Del Report, with the pseudonymous author Carles writing dozens of obsessive ruminations about her.
Does n e 1 know if 'pseudonymous' means that Carles is 'killing it', 'nailing it', and 'game-over-ing' it on the reg?
Much of the rest of the Internet is equally interested in Del Rey, although few commenters have been as amusing as Carles.
Say what you will about 'Born to Die', but it is clear that the real story here is the Carlesian Renaissance that We Are All Witnesses. #Carles_Witness
Say what u will about LDR's album, but at the end of the day, she's one of the greatest human memes in the history of the indiesphere, and they cannot take that away from her. And you can't take away what Carles has done. When the blogosphere finally burns down in the great blog fire of 2k13, Carles's words will live on forever in the hearts and minds of the most relevant humans on Earth.
Is Carles 'killing it'?
Is Carles 'nailing it'?
Is Carles 'beating a dead horse meme'?
Is Carles 'effing reaming'?
Is Carles 'pegging it'?
Is Carles 'slaughtering it'?
Is Carles 'juicing it'?
Has Carles 'gone too far'?
Has Carles 'effing lost it'?
Is Carles the only bright spot of the LDR meme lifecycle?
NYTimes PANS the eff out of 'retarded' Lana Del Rey, says Carles is a slutshamer & 'meme whoremonger'By Carles on 26 Jan 2012
It seems like every one is 'blowing their load' on the Lana Del Rey gang bang, as if it is a pornography film entitled 'Indie Gangbang: Can she handle 1,000,000 fresh loads #facialfest2k12'? Now it seems like the New York Times, who is like the biggest blogpaper on the planet, has finally decided to join in the slutshaming of Lana Del Rey. They do their best to 'pan the eff' out of Lana Del Rey, and also, pan the eff out of the internet, blogs, and any1 else who has ever mentioned Lana Del Rey in a tweet, blogpost, tumblog, or Myspace Bulletin.
They say that Lana Del Rey is a 'retarded special ed student' who can only return the scantron with one answer bubbled in the whole way.
On top of music like that, anything shy of full commitment would underwhelm, and over the course of this album, that’s just what happens. Ms. Del Rey has an idea about her presentation, which counts for something — to some it counts for everything — but her singing still sounds like a road test. “Born to Die” doesn’t solve Ms. Del Rey’s problems because it isn’t aware of them; it’s a multiple choice test with every answer scanned “C.”
I am not sure if they mean to say 'Lana Del Rey is a retard' in terms of her artistic vision, singing abilities, her marketing planning, or with her managerial decisions. I suppose they intend it to mean 'all of the above.' U have to wonder if likening her to a special ed/student with learning disabilities 'went too far' for the sake of sensational music commentary.
They also said that Carles was 'full of shit', and a 'disgrace' to the entire indie rock music criticism and cultural commentary community.
It has also resulted in a self-perpetuating apoplexy around her image and reception. A parody self-defense written in Ms. Del Rey’s voice was published on the Web site Thought Catalog, but was then removed after zealous, repeated entreaties from Ms. Del Rey’s publicity team, which insisted that fans were confused, even after a disclaimer was added. The satirical trend-thumping site Hipster Runoff, a frequent and happy agitator of Ms. Del Rey’s and others, reprinted it. Carles, the site’s author-proprietor-inventor, also went into self-examination mode, writing about the evolution of blogs from taste-making engines to traffic-generating tools of destruction, as if those weren’t the same thing to begin with.
It truly feels as if the mainstream media is beginning to turn on Carles just like they have turned on LDR. Today, maybe we are all slutshamed slutshamers, who can't help but continue to slutshame. In a way, maybe blogs are not traffic-generating tools of destruction, but instead, the craft of writing is truly just a dark mechanism of slutshaming. Perhaps today, we are all trapped. We are all slutshamers. We can only be the 'meme whoremonger' or the #mongered.
The writer offers the suggestion that Lana Del Rey should make up a new fake name and try to relaunch her career in a few years so that we can all blogbully her one last time.
There is hypocrisy all around: on the part of Ms. Del Rey, on the part of her various teams and enablers, on the part of her dissecters and executioners. A career founded on bad faith all around can’t be long for this world, but at this point what can Ms. Del Rey do? Not much. Her cultural stamp has already been affixed, her biography written in concrete. The only real option is to wash off that face paint, muss up that hair and try again in a few years. There are so many more names out there for the choosing.
Why has the mainstream media turned on the blogstream media?
Did Carles 'get effing served'?
Are u tired of all the 'Lana Del Rey hater' haters?
Is Carles nothing but a slutshamer + meme whore monger?
Is Lana Del Rey 'completely effed'?
Did they 'cross the line' with the retard/special ed metaphor?
R u tired of all the slutshaming on the internet?
Has LDR coverage 'gone too far'?
Last week, Carles turned his popular internet weblog into the Lana Del Report, getting 'mad hits' from that 'sweet, sweet Lana Del Rey traffic. It seems like blogs and news outlets are going CRAZIE4CARLES and his unique web brand, as he is finally sharing his #Brilliant_Mind with 'the lamestream masses' once again. However, he came under fire from the Los Angeles Times, and they said that he was having a 'Psychic Meltdown.' I'm not sure if that is related to the popular Neon Indian 2k11 album 'Psychic Chasms' or something.
Via the LA Times auxiliary content farm:
After Lana Del Rey's widely panned SNL performance, the savagely funny satire site Hipster Runoff has been staring into an existential abyss.
The popular news and review site, known for the doofusy textspeak of its pseudonymous founder Carles and a transparent obsession with its own "relevance," has been a kind of Pitchfork-era update of Beavis and Butt-Head since its inception in 2007. The site's blissfully blinkered worldview is a savvy illustration of today's twentysomething id.
Has Carles 'completely lost it'?
But in a long, tortured essay, Carles comes to a bleak conclusion that essentially all culture and cultural criticism is a cog in an Internet hype machine whose sole purpose is to self-perpetuate. Money can be made, but it's not the point -- all of art and all of Internet culture is essentially an empty act of "content farming" and self-fabrication (or, as Carles would call it, "personal-brand-building").
Hipster Runoff has renamed itself the "Lana Del Report" and seems to express a genuine sympathy with Del Rey as a product of an esoteric media-industrial complex far bigger than herself. Lately, Carles has been tweeting some uncomfortably earnest cries for help.
In the words of Carles.... "Help."
Elsewhere, the NY Post claimed that HIPSTER RUNOFF was one of the realest niggas in the LDR-authentic-criticism movement, proving that HIPSTER RUNOFF is THE premiere indie gossip rag on the internet. [link]
“Meet Lizzy Grant. She had blond hair, didn’t look very ‘alt sexy.’ Sorta like a girl from my high school who was a part-time hostess at Chili’s,” wrote “Carles,” the blogger behind Hipster Runoff, which has dedicated its Lana Del Report to “LDR News, Memes, Buzz, Opinions and Hate Coverage.”
Suddenly, many of the fans that had boosted Del Rey turned on her in spectacular fashion. Music blogs poured vitriol on her talents. Some influential music websites, such as Hipster Runoff, have turned insulting Del Rey into an art form.
In addition, some internet comedy blog about failed niche web comics also claimed that HIPSTER RUNOFF was 'eating it's own tail.' [link]. Last week was not just a 'Lana Del Roast', but more importantly, a Celebration of Carles and the purest form of blogging.
If you visit Hipster Runoff right now, its name has been changed to the Lana Del Report, and the site spent a day or two covering nothing but her. Carles’ wrote an explanatory piece, which is sort of about Del Rey, but more about blogs, the role of Carles, and what his website has become. And it proves that while watching Hipster Runoff write about a manufactured “indie” celebrity may be entertaining, watching Hipster Runoff write about Hipster Runoff is full-on fascinating. It’s one of the deepest and funniest things ever posted on a site that’s a treasure trove of deep and funny. In some ways, it’s the site’s creator owning up to the fictional nature of Carles. In other ways, it just makes the author more unknowable. In every way, it’s hilarious and vital for anyone who wonders how the internet is affecting our discourse.
With so much blog press, it is clear that Carles is 'on his A-game', managing to KILL IT, NAIL IT, and REAM IT in 2k12. Unfortunately for Carles, there is only one way to go now that he is on top--down the shitter.
Has Carles 'tanked'?
Has Carles 'returned'?
Have the anonymous HRO interns finally 'got their shit 2gether'?
Is Carles having the biggest meltdown in the history of blogspots?
Is HIPSTER RUNOFF better or worse than ever?
Is Carles 'as swag as it gets'?
Will blogs survive in the post-Lana era?
How long can blogs milk Lana Del Meme think pieces?
Has Carles turned into the #1 meme controller in indie?
Has Carles 'sold the eff out' by blogging about lamestream topics like #LanaDelRey?
Do u have a dream that 1 day u will trend on twitter, even if ur name is misspelled?
Last night, something special happened. VIPfest, a collection of relevant VIPs putting together an online VIP experience for the most relevant alts on the internet. So many relevant indie celebs stopped by the turntable.fm room, and we made history, If u were there, u know why it was VIP. If u weren't there, u might never know what VIP means/feels like.
Who was there? Carles. Gorilla vs Bear. Ryan Schreiber. Diplo. Heems. DJ MNSTRMR. Ezra Broenig. Unchill AZN Bro. Bon Iver. Ariel Pink. Bradleyford Cox. Basically any1 who is any1 in the world of alt found a way 2 stop by and stay relevant.
Anyways, some techbloggermainstreamer bro used the turntable.fm product 4 the first time ever last night (prob bc it is going 2 get shut down soon 4 being 67% 'illegal') happened 2 stop by VIPfest and he documented his mainstream experience in such a high level alt event:
When I was in the room earlier I had failed to notice it was being helmed by Gorilla vs. Bear, of Gorilla vs. Bear fame. Next to him was Ryan Schreiber, founder of Pitchfork. In chat was “the REAL DIPLO,” who turned out to be the real Diplo. Through the magical celebrities-are-people-too power of Twitter, Diplo had followed Ryan into the room, and now GvB was attempting to get him on the decks.
This isn’t as easy as it sounds. See, the owner of a room can boot people from the decks to free up one of the five slots, but whoever clicks on that free spot first gets it. Either having the real Diplo in their midst had caused a wannabe DJ frenzy, or the real Diplo isn’t very fast on the draw. GvB probably kicked twenty different people from the room before Diplo managed to play anything.
I don’t really know anything about Diplo, except that he worked with M.I.A. and that there’s some sort of beef now. I certainly didn’t recognize the Major Lazer track he played — he kept on saying he couldn’t play the third verse, so I assumed it was unreleased. It was pretty fun, but I was more caught up with the idea that some nice celebrity man was playing music that he’d clearly uploaded from his computer onto a bizarre new service where you choose an avatar and pretend to be at a live concert while you’re actually talking in a circa 1990s chat room.
Nobody else seemed to be so enamored — Diplo was winning plenty of followers and some of my fellow Zynga-alikes were bobbing their virtual heads, but the haters were much more vocal: “Diplo? More like DipNO!” After GvB and Ryan played some tracks, Diplo hit us with another new one: “Untitled.” By this point the room had basically gone insane. Many of the people GvB had booted to get Diplo on the decks were griping about it, others were spamming the chat with requests to play, promising great selections from their musical catalogs. Others had given up on begging, and were instead spamming links to a new room they’d created. But everybody else seemed to be trashing Diplo, Major Lazer, and “Untitled.” After finishing his playthrough, Diplo left because of all the “h8.”
Cmon a-hole. Carles is 1 of the most relevant altcelebs in the world and he ORGANIZED and promoted #VIPfest, and u can't even drop his name in the intro paragraph? I guess Carles does need 2 go more mnstrm.
Was this the greatest group chatting experience since the days of AOL?
I haven’t seen a room this wild since my AOL Chat days. A ton of users had changed their names to celebrities. There was a Lady Gaga, a Bon Iver, and a Joanna Newsom, to name a few. None of these checked out on Twitter, sadly. A DJ named “Carles” (who turns out to be Carles of Hipster Runoff, completely unknown to me at the time) played “Mandolin Rain” (a hilarious juxtaposition to the chat that was ensuing) and Pitchfork Ryan tweeted about it. Bon Iver became enough of a meme that GvB played “Beth / Rest” off of Bon Iver. It was seriously chill, the best song I’d heard all night. The chat turned on Pitchfork’s 9.5 score of the album, almost as if Pitchfork Ryan wasn’t there. Some people just typed “9.5″ into their chat box and then hit enter. The virtual Ryan, nodding his avatar’s head to the beat, asked us all: “can u feel the 9.5… all around[?]” Carles “spun” a dark, terrifying spoken word track he’d recorded about VIPfest called “VIPfest is s0 VIP.” I was scared.
Do yall think that this mnstrm bro didn't 'get' that the 2 relevant altbloggers were 'making fun' of Bon Iver because of the widely accepted meme that he is basically a poor man's indie Bruce Hornsby?
Bruce Hornsby - Mandolin Rain by jpdc11
Do u <3 or h8 Bon Iver?
"Can u feel the 9.5 all around?"
In the end, the mainstream bro talked abt how he wished he was more alt and more VIP.
Diplo came back, ego somehow restored, and played a third track. It was really weird, and I was getting tired. Maybe I just don’t like Diplo (in case you do like Diplo, here are the three Major Lazer tracks he played). Maybe I was disappointed in myself for being sucked into this bizarre vortex of musical tastemakers and clamoring playlist jockeys who would rather play music than listen to it. Maybe I was pissed that I didn’t get recognized in “VIPfest” but the nerds over in “Indie While You Work On That PHP E-Commerce Backend” had known who I was.
Were u at VIPfest?
Was it the greatest music festival ever curated?
Who was the #1 altceleb at VIPfest?
What was the greatest moment at VIPfest?
Who did u see at VIPfest?
What can we learn from VIPfest/turntable.fm?
Will turntable.fm ultimately 'be illegal'?
Do u h8 Bon Iver?
Was this just a 'circlejerk' 4 a-holes with blogs?
Will there ever be another VIPfest?
Was this techblogmainstreamer alt enough 2 be at VIP?
Were u in the VIP section of VIPfest?
Donald Glover is an alt comedian who is attempting 2 'make it' as a rapper/hip hop artist by rapping over samples of pre-existing indie mp3s. Because most indie celebs are insecure abt their societal status bc most of them don't make THAT much money, receiving validation from some1 like Donald Glover makes them feel famous-er. The ALT REPORT has been tough on Donald Glover, questioning his intentions and his artistic merit. Carles panned him at both SXSW and Bonnaroo. In addition, HRO chided that perhaps Donald Glover's krappie tunes killed ppl at Bonnaroo.
Donald Glover seems 2 have fired back at this malicious indie blog by tweeting 'say it 2 my face, internet.' This is certainly a shot at Carles, the anonymous cowardly blogger who just talks mad shit abt artists all day long on his bloggyspot without contributing anything positive 2 the world. This Carles human is so sad that he almost represents a parody of a figure who is so obsessed with indie relevancy that he has gone completely insane and has his head up an invisible indie ass.
Has Carles gone 2 far?
Is Donald Glover 'effing terrible'?
Will he ever be invited 2 join Odd Future?
Is Carles a cyberbully?
Is Carles jeally of Donald Glover's career as a comic?
Is Aziz Ansari always going 2 be the #1 indie comic in the world?
Do u like Donald Glover's rap songs?
Jonah Keri is a buzz 'sports writer influencer' who hosts a DIY sports podcast, and the author of some book that sounds like it has 'important ideas' in it that can be relatable 2 any aspect of life. Popular indie webblogger 'Carles' went on the podcast to talk about 'indie crap' and 'sports' and 'life' and 'blogging' and was potentially the 'most forthcoming' that he has ever been in his career on the internet.
Did Carles 'break character' in this interview?
Did u learn more abt Carles 'than u ever have before'?
Did the interviewer 'crush it' or was he just 'an entry level bro'?
Do u <3 podcasts because it is a 'humanizing convo' between two humans who are trying to brand themselves as 'relevant visionaries/insiders'?
Is Carles 'trying 2 hard' to be a 'sports bro' after his NBA 'piece' in GQ magazine?
Is Carles 'the next great American sportswriter'?
Will Carles 'retire' from HIPSTER RUNOFF 2 focus on his sports writing career?
Will Jonah Keri become 'the next Peter Gammons / Mikey Lewis / William Simmons / Adam Schefter / Stuart Scott / Mike Lupica / Mitch Albom / Michael Crichton?'
Today’s guest is Carles of Hipster Runoff and the Hipster Runoff Podcast. Follow him on Twitter @HipsterRunoff.
The topics we cover:
0:30-4:39: The origins of Hipster Runoff, meta-alt, and blog identity
4:40-7:06: The turning point of alt/indie music
7:07-9:13: Reconciling alt and monetization
9:14-10:09: Having a secret identity
10:10-15:02: Hipster glossary: alt, buzzband, relevant, bro noodling
15:03-20:04: Alt athletes
20:05-22:33: Alt in sports
22:34-23:45: Assessing the relevance of the Jonah Keri podcast
23:46-28:56: Buzzhuman power rankings and the politics of music blogging
28:57-33:01: Carles’sGQ piece on NBA buzz and the sports blog renaissance
33:02-end: Food Pick of the Week
Do u <3 or h8 this podcast?
Is Carles's brand 'going down the shitter'?
Carles recently went on a family vacay with his parents, family, wife, son, daughter, cousins, and estranged biological parents (awkward). It seems like this EXCLUSIVE photo of Carles was snapped, enjoying the sun & water slides at Hoover Dam water park. He is just riding chillwaves down the wall of the dam... Maybe there's not actually a buzz drought... Maybe some1 built a buzz dam, attempting to protect us from 'too much buzzworthy content.'
If only they realized...
we can handle the buzz...
Let the buzz
wash over our skin/ears
"Mother Indie, Tear Down This Dam!" -John F. Buzzedy
"When it rains... it effing pours."
Does Carles look keut?
Who is responsible 4 the buzz drought?
What is ur conspiracy theory abt why there hasn't been much indie buzz lately?
Who will 'save us' from the great Buzz Drought of 2k10-k11?
Carles is the blogger behind the popular alt content farm HIPSTER RUNOFF. But now it seems like he has 'spread his wings' and is taking more journalistic/blog-a-rific challenges, writing a 'progressive NBA column' for GQ Magazine's blog website on the buzz teams in the NBA. It appears as though Carles is attempting to 'brand himself' as an NBA Insider & NBA Expert, sharing insights in2 the_league.
Rumors are 'flying', accusing Carles of secretly 'being a mainstreamer' who 'watches tons of sports.' It seems like Carles's days as an alt blogger might be numbered as he moves on to cover sports, politics, and other mainstream crap. Carles is clearly 'at the top of the indie blogosphere', one of the only branded-writer-blogger personalities in the niche, and it is only a matter of time before he 'pulls a James Murphy', and goes out on top.
Carles analyzes buzz teams, similary to how he analyzes buzzbands.
A successful buzzband eventually has to decide, "Do I want to achieve critical relevance and shoot for 9.0s and above from Pitchfork for the rest of my career, or do I want to build a brand that sells albums to markets that actually buy albums?" Eventually, a buzz team must make sacrifices in order to achieve the ultimate mainstream success—an NBA championship.
Who is the mainstreamiest team of all time?
Who is the Arcade Fire of the NBA?
Carles shares his analysis of the 2k11 'buzz teams of tomorrow'...
I'd say that the Pacers, 76ers and Grizzlies are getting tons of buzz based on their 2011 playoff performances. The buzz team allows post-knowledgeable NBA fans to project visions of greatness for a team of unlikely players who we want to see succeed in the playoffs, not because of a direct emotional commitment to the team, but because buzzing the right team means that you "get" the NBA. You even get to buzz certain players: the ones who are playoffs (Tyler Hansbrough, Marc Gasol, Jrue Holiday, Evan Turner) or the "grizzled veterans who are respected but are ultimately failures who have been rebranded as having 'adapted to new roles'' (Shane Battier, Zach Randolph, Andre Iguodala).
Who is the buzzworthiest NBA team?
Who is the buzzworthiest NBA player?
Is Carles 'going stream'?
Is Carles 'a bro'?
Can Carles 'make it' into a dying magazine/ESPN.com?
Is HRO 'dying'?
Is 'alt' dying?
Has Carles 'plateaued' as an indie music journalist [via the content farm]?
Who will win the NBA Championship?
Do u believe in buzz teams?
Facebook is a place where mainstreamers, lamestreamers, middle aged people, and bros and girls and tweens talk abt life, issues, teen issues, tv shows, music, and vent their true feelings abt life/love.
Another chill bro is like "ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING MY ASS OFF."
Then a chill bro is like "listen bro. Ur inauthentic as eff."
Then some1 says "Carles is a fucking ass hole. I hate that piece of shit."
Then some1 else is like "Carles doesn't even like buzzbands. He doesn't care abt the indie scene. Eff him."
Then they argue more and basically talk abt how Carles + the HISPTER RUNOFF brand has 'gone down the pooper'
Finally a chill lamestreamer is like "Oh Carles. Whenever I like a band, he declares them 2 be mnstrm/lamestream/overground."
Has HRO 'gone down the shitter'?
Does Carles 'totally suck'?
What buzzbands has Carles 'openly liked' in the history of HIPSTER RUNOFF?
Are you a lamestreamer if u read HIPSTER RUNOFF?
Are all of these bros right? Should Carles 'shut it down'?
When was the last time Carles made a 'good post'?
What is the future of HRO?
Is HRO abt 2 die?
Has Carles died?
Have lamestreamers taken over the alt scene/blogosphere/tastemaking economy?
Voting is a process by which u go 2 some lil booth and u say 'I want this bro 2 be in charge' and then if enough ppl do the same, then that person is in charge. From what I have read in history classes, they invented this so that a 'King' wouldn't rule the nation and ride dictator waves, making people give him all their money and he would steal all of the hot women and keep them in a sex dungeon.
Anyways, voting can be kinda lame, because sometimes ur candidate will lose. In addition, most of the candidates are old ass white men who are basically lamestreamers that just eat a lot of red meat. Even when the candidates are ethnic, it is like they have white souls. Sorta wish u could actually vote 4 people who u care abt. It seems like some alt decided to vote for both Carles (author and editor and blogger of HIPSTER RUNOFF) and Tao Lin (author of some alt books).
Wonder if this was a waste of a vote.
Did this person 'disgrace' of the political process?
Is writing in a sillie vote 'just 2 be funnie' totally lame, or does it mean u transcend society?
Should u email this picture to 1 of the other people on the ballot just to let them know that what they are running 4 is 'totally worthless'?
Who do u want 2 be America's leaders?
Would u vote 4 Carles if he ran 4 office?
Did u write in any1 funnie / alt when u voted, or is voting 'a waste of time and energy because u can't change anything by voting'?
No1 can take this away from u
and you probably get a coupon book
filled with 'free BJ' coupons
4 the rest of ur life
He seems chill
to be named "Carles"
Seems likely that there will be a new wave of
humans named "Carles"
Tons of babies born all around the world
inspired by the transcendent writing of 'Carles'
the author, blogger, editor, designer, meme generator and 'Social Media Guru/Ninja'
behing the popular weblog HIPSTER RUNOFF
Seems like a chill bro
that all bros wanna be bros with
They seem to be 'following him'
like he is a tastemaker, then they all decided to buy the same red Am Appy jersey
Will u name ur child 'Carles'?
Is Carles Puyol the most authentic footballer in the world?
Do u know n e 1 named Carles in real life?
Does Carles Puyol seem chill?
Do u wanna ride SpanishWaves/EspanaWaves?
Is it more alt to be into 'Spain' instead of 'Portugal' [via Panda Bear's expatriate compound]?
Does n e 1 know how to 'pronounce' the name 'Carles'?
c) Cars los
k) Choose ur own pronunciation