The ‘Most Marketable’ Winter Olympians Whose Personal Brands make ‘the most bank’ | Hipster Runoff

The ‘Most Marketable’ Winter Olympians Whose Personal Brands make ‘the most bank’


I just read a blog post photogallery about the 'Most Marketable' Olympians of the Vancouver Olympics. It sorta made me think about how 'important' / 'relevant' / 'irrelevant' the Olympics are. From what I understand, the Olympics have merged into a month long branding experiment. Sorta like an infomercial for a city / country / sport / human / athlete / brand. The Olympic games can provide enough memes to hold the world over for 1 month every year. Fortunately/unfortunately, the internet gives zany sports the opportunity to 'grow', kinda like the curling effect. In the modern world, humans like to talk abt the TV that they are watching while they are chillin on their laptops [via twitter].

Wonder who were the most important Winter Olympic athletes. If I had a Fortune 500 company, would I hire a Winter Olympic athlete who competes every 4 years to 'represent' my brand. Not sure if the Winter Olympics are genuinely inspiring to people. Michael Phelps was a chill summer olympian, but he is known more for being a Tiger Woods-type bro who just loves to do mad drugs and bang strippers + escorts. I would probably just hire an NBA or NFL player if I had a brand that needed an athlete ambassador, but if I lived in some sort of place like Asia or Europe, I might try to 'cut a small deal' with an Olympic athlete who balled over all.

Are winter Olympic athletes marketable?

Charlie White & Meryl Davis, USA ice dancing couple


From what I understand, it will always be 'funny' to make fun of 'flamers prancing around on ice.' Just another fascinating sport where we always struggle to understand how ppl devote their lives' to something so 'absurd.'  Ice Dancing is apparently even 'gheyer' than figure skating, since they just dance, and don't do extreme jumps where accidents can happen.

Shani Davis, USA speedskater


This bro is apparently one of the best at his sport of all time, but he is 'too humble' to brand himself like Usain Bolt and Michael Johnson as 'the fastest man in the world.' It seems sad. Sort of want a flamboyant African American diva bro 'pissing off' all of the other irrelevant countries who actually 'care' about the sport. Hopefully the USA starts more innercity speed skating programs.

Cheryl Bernard, Canada (curling)


Curling is apparently the second most popular sport in Canada behind hockey. This female broad has been branded as the 'cougar' of the sport, since she is mad hot + looks like she is down 2 fuck after baking you and your bros some rice krispie treats. I am not sure if curling is an 'alt' sport, or if it more like an SNL digital short starting Andy Samberg--something 'funny' that mainstreamers can rally around.

Mirai Nagasu, USA


From what I understand, America doesn't have any talented female figure skaters right now, but sponsors will probably invest in this girl for the next Olympics. I think it helps that she is AZN because they are more dedicate to 'training', but she probably won't be able to handle 'flopping' if she chokes.   I wonder if Dominque Moceanu is the 'gold standard' of lolita female American Olympians.

Joannie Rochette, Canada


I think she had a good Olympics for her long term brand because her mom died, and it made her personal story 400% more compelling. Even though she lost her mom, u can't help but think that her mom is smiling down from heaven, watching her daughter get 'mad endorsement deals.'

Torah Bright, Australia, halfpipe


She apparently chills in the halfpipe [via Shaun White snowboarder]. She is from Australia, and I am not sure if it snows there, so her story might not be very believable.  I think Australia just doesn't have very much going on, so they need as many celebs as possible to inspire their nation to believe that they will 'make it' off the island.  I feel like the Sydney Olympics was the #1 moment in the history of their country, at least from a branding perspective.

Mao Asada, Japan


She is a figure skater in Japan, and I think this confirms the theory that AZNs are really intrigued by figure skaters and cats. It seems like the ultimate tween sensation in an AZN country would probably be an ice skater who sings jap pop and also has an anime cartoon show.  I think that most famous Japanese people get endorsement deals for point and shoot cameras.

Lee Jung-Su, South Korea


One of the most interesting things about the Olympics is when you find out that a country 'cares too much' about a sport that isn't real/doesn't matter. The South Koreans apparently consider speed skating to be their 'national past time.' They h8 the American Apolo Anton Ohno, since he is apparently a cheater who pushes people over in order to win medals. Hopefully North Korea starts a speed skating team so that we can see some 'real drama' go down.

Bode Miller, USA


Bode Miller was marketed by Nike as a skier who 'doesn't care about competition.' He tried to brand himself as the chill bro of professional athletes, then chilled too hard and had a terrible Olympics, making him less marketable. Apparently skiing is 'big in Europe' so he makes 'mad bank' with European brands in the Euro circuit, but we only care about him in America if he wins medals.

Alex Bilodeau, Canada


You can't just go to the Olympics with a boring personal story. There has to be something 'sad' about ur life that u overcame. This bro has a brother who has cerebral palsy. Even though you wish his brother could live a healthy life, u kinda wonder if he will enable him to live a more lucrative life since his personal brand is more identifiable than just being a 'gold medal winner.'

Lindsey Vonn, USA


Every Olympics needs a 'sexy blonde' to market, even if she isn't that talented. Apparently, Lindsey Vonn is semi-good at skiing, so she will make 'mad bank.' I think she appeals to old white men in a Peyton Manning kind of way, sorta like people who honestly believe that their 'Anglo' blood rules the world and resent colored athletes.

Hongbo Zhao & Xue Shen, China


China loves a winner even more than America loves a winner, since they utilize Olympic triumphs as propaganda 2 brainwash their citizens who are trapped in their communist society.. These two people are like 40 years old, but unretired and won gold. While the rest of the world prefers a 'youthful' personal brand, I think the Chinese prefer old people because they represent 'wisdom.' In my opinion, I would rather hire a cute lil AZN girl to represent my brand instead of these two, because they look too much like 'working class' AZNs.

Evan Lysacek, USA


I think that this bro is the 'Adam Lambert' of figure skating. He apparently wears Vera Wang designed outfits. From what I understand, figure skaters make minimal money from endorsement deals in America because no body takes them seriously. They make more money from the touring circuit when they get to say they were 'in the Olympics.' I wonder if the Olympics pay their winners money. It seems likely that they basically just get a 'free dorm room' and buffet style meals, but that's about it.

Sidney Crosby, Canada Hockey


This bro has been branded as 'the next Wayne Gretzky.' Even though he looks like a weiner and is one of the most boring athletes of all time, he scored an 'important goal' which probably means he fulfilled his destiny. Not sure if Canada is an important market to companies, so maybe his brand won't even be exploited.

Apolo Anton Ohno, USA


Apolo Anton Ohno has one of the most identifiable soul patches in the world, making his brand as an Olympic ambassador priceless. It also helps that he has a silly name that u will remember forever. I don't think Americans really care about short track peed skating, but the sport is 'exciting' in a random and meaningless way. Since he has won a lot of medals, we are proud of him. A lot of alternative people support him because of his AT&T commercial scored by the XX.

Kim Yu-Na, South Korea


This AZN tween is apparently the Miley Cyrus of South Korea. She can't go anywhere without causing mass tween hysteria. In South Korea, the concept of a 'celebrity' is amazing since all AZNs look the same. I think this Samsung commercial is a good indicator of 'what she represents' to the female tween in South Korea.

Would yall rather be a tween sensation in Asia or America?
Sorta obsessed with her brand.

Here she is selling milk to AZNs even though they are usually lactose intolerant:

Here she is selling mini refrigerators that fit into tiny Asian homes, since they don't have enough real estate there.

A lot of Americans wish that they could be a successful, muscular black athlete. It seems like it might be more fulfilling to be a talented South Korean who had to move to Canada to escape 'fame' in her home land. (Wish I could be a talented tween sensation.)

Shaun White, USA, snowboarding bro with curly, healthy hair


From what I understand, Shaun White is the new Tony Hawk. He has an extreme brand which appeals to extreme kids / teens. While I don't think snowboarding is a 'real sport', sometimes those sports are the most marketable sports, since tons of kids don't connect with traditional sports because they resent their father. If you 'hate your dad' because of your parents' divorce, it makes sense that you would rather be a professional skateboarder/snowboarder instead of a professional baseball player.

Shaun White's major contribution to society is designing clothes for free spirited kids which are sold at Target.  He is also dominant at his young sport, so he gets to 'invent' new tricks on his snow board.

Sorta just wish I could be a boy tween again, and my mom could buy me 'Air Jordans' / mass produced Shaun White gear. I heard it replaced Mossimo as Target's #1 grossing tween apparel product.

Maybe Shaun White has identified the 3 major clothing groups that all tween boys need:

  • graphic tees
  • plaid shirts
  • hoodies

He seems like he might be the 'Warren Buffet/Steve Jobs/ Bill Gates' of tween boy casual wear. Just a chill 'role model' who parents don't mind buying from, since he has won some gold medals at the Olympics / X Games.

Maybe 'extreme' sport athletes are so popular because their sports are easy to turn into video games. Does any 1 know how 'stoners' have been able to transform their extreme sports into highly lucrative brands? If I start an energy drink company, then sign a few skaters / snowboarders, will I be guaranteed success?

Feel more confused than ever about the Olympics. It is like this celebration of cultures from all over the world, but also some sort of competition where we try to figure out whose brand will be the most valuable to a Fortune 500 / niche company.

Are the Winter Olympics a positive experience?
If ur city wins an Olympic games, will ur city ever recover from the massive amounts of debt?
Are the Olympics 'fucking boring'?
Did Canada benefit from hosting the Olympics?
Are the summer olymps better than the winties?
Is Shaun White more important than Tony Hawk?
Who is the most alternative athlete?
Are Olympians insane for devoting their entire lives' to
Are you more valuable to your country if u r an American gold medal winner or an Asian/Russian Gold Medal Winner?
Do the Olympics not matter any more bc the Cold War is over?
Should Nike purchase the rights to Shaun White?
What Olympic athlete would u purchase to perform at your child's birthday party?