The Saddest AZN alive [My Sexual Encounter with the Hipster Grifter]
This is a blog post about the popular meme The Hipster Grifter.
There once was an AZN from Utah
Who had dreams of moving to the city
breaking free of her oppressive (and possibly sexually abusive) Mormon parents who adopted her
and working for a relevant entertainment/media company (via Vice Magazine)
and most importantly 'fucking a lot of dudes' who were 'hot indie bros'
She lied a lot
Pretended she had cancer and was gonna die
Just so people would 'feel sad for her'
Stole money, credit cards, checks, and cell phones from bros who 'got to put their penis inside of her vagina'
She sexted them and was aggressive
Understanding what a bro truly needs
which is the security of knowing that a girl wants to 'be fucked'
Was the kind of person who creepily 'really wanted 2 hang out with u'
and actually followed through and called u 100 times
Think she would have benefited from 'the dorm environment'
at a small Liberal Arts College
instead of sending aggressive sexts to bros all the time
Meme via A.L. Feri Photography
I actually knew her while I was living in Brooklyn
We met each other at McCarren Pool
I was wearing Old Navy board shorts
and she came up to me and told me
'I want to pull ur penis out through ur short-hole
and give u a blow and a tug'
I was immediately turned on because that was back when my 'Yellow Fever'
was at its absolute worst
I also saw that she had 'a rowdy chest tattoo' and I immediately got
erotic visions of 'cumming on that shit'
AltCum target via Gawker
We went back to my place and we watched a popular French New Wave indie classic film
I was impressed by her career and her knowledge of everything relevant
Eventually she 'had sex with me' - 2fast & 2furiously
The bed was making the sound of the sample in the popular song "Paper Planes"
But it was the kind of thing where I 'lost interest in having sex with her'
because it was the 'sad' kind of dirty sex
where u feel like a girl is 'down to do anything'
because she is 'all sad on the inside'
and feels like the only way she knows how to 'feel good about herself'
is when there is 'some bro's cock inside of her'
I am a meaningful bro and 'don't want to be just another bro'
So my peen went limp
And I took her out for a meal
and reassured her that I 'wanted a real, emotional relationship' with her
and then she told me she was dying of cancer
and I felt bad because I had never experienced sex with some1 who was terminally ill
and thought 'damn, maybe terminally ill ppl are really just DOWN2FUCK like krayzee'
She asked me for a blank check
and I gave it to her, but it didn't matter because I have a trust fund
and she only took $2000 from me
Think that means she 'loved' me because she didn't steal $5K+
Srsly hope she's not sick, though
Would feel 'pretty bad'
and might even consider marrying her
so that she can have my bad ass health insurance [via $15 co-pay]
I miss her
I think I could have changed her
and reconciled all of her debt
and turned her into the free-spirited mom with a meaningful life in the city
that she always wanted.
I would have gotten a matching chest tatty
and we would put the same chest tatty on each of our children
as soon as they exited the womb.
Not sure if this is an 'authentic sad story'
or just some girl who wanted 'to be internet famous'
or possibly 'some sort of hoax' by an AZN graduate art student
If I were this AZN, I would 'turn myself in'
and write a movie script about my meaningful life
and how I was 'just a misunderstood alt from rural Utah/suburbia'
Demand to be played by Karen O/the Juno Girl/Margaret Cho/Sandra Oh/the AZN in Rushmore
She was already in a successful viral video. Think that means u can 'make it' in Hollywood/Bollywood [via Slumdog]. Sort of wish I worked for the Salt Lake City police so I could put my film degree to use by putting together this type of video media. Feel like I would really be helping the world.
I think every1 has 'socially puzzling' people enter their lives' at least once every 2 year. Like the kind who 'steals ur friends laptop' or 'mysteriously enters/leaves town one day.' The kind of person who feels 'really happy' when they are 'social climbing' and u don't rlly 'understand WHY' they seem s0 sad/alone. Fortunately, these types of people are only around for 1-3 months. U just have to be sure not to a) have sex with them b) make them dependent on u for things like 'fun', 'meeting new people', 'transportation services', or 'drugs.' They sort of just 'fade out of ur life' when they realize that u 'don't find them interesting as a person'/they can't 'steal/leech n e thing from u.' U just have to be brave enough not to return their 5th text.
BE CAREFUL YALL. srsly. so many ppl out there with bad intentions. just hang out on the internet all day 2 keep urself safe. do no give out ur credit card info unless u r buying a kewl t-shirt or shoes or something.
Do u 'feel sad' for the AZN? or does she sound 'too good to be true'?
Do u think she is 'hot'? Do u think she is 'a disgusting person'?
Do u think she will forever change the AZN stereotype?
Do u think she is going to 'go to jail'?
Or will some Alternative Video startup give her a 'show' on their website, like 'Kewl New Bands (with the HIPSTER GRIFTER): Live from the Girl Talk Concert'? Glad that we are guaranteed a 'where are they now...?' post about her in 1.36 years.
Hope she is okay...
Feel sad abt ppl who 'value' stuff that I 'take 4 granted' like social awareness, money, semi-healthy relationships with friends who aren't too krazie, and general social acceptance.
miss u Grifty
(Does n e 1 know what 'grifter' means?)
Please leave ur real/fake story about how u knew her in the comments.
This has a blog post about the popular meme The Hipster Grifter, also known by her human name Kari Ferrell. She is allegedly related to popular standup comedian Will Ferrell.