Personal Branding | Hipster Runoff

Personal Branding

Are Crusties the most authentic alts in the world?


Sometimes it is important 2 remember that there are alts out there
Who don't care abt material things
Like srsly don't care abt material things 4 realsies, though
And don't take baths
and don't ride cars
and don't make money
and look sorta homeless

The crust kids of the Earth
The crusty kids of society
The crusties
They don't really know what alt relevancy is
but at the same time
they don't want 'relevancy'

I am
The Crust Kid

I am a human
Hunting and gathering for food
Whether it is [via freeganism]
Or [via just plain dumpster diving behind a Dominos-ism]

While we both live in the same world
I see a world
completely different than the 1 u r trapped in
You think 'being alt' means reading the internet every day
I don't know what 'alt' even is, I am just me
U get in ur car every day, but I have constructed a sillie bike to ride around town

In fact, I am part of a community of other ppl
who build zany bikes
and we ride our zany bikes around in MadMaxian packs

This is our Battlefield Earth // We are the crust kids

When a crust kid walks into your favourite coffee shop
and sits next 2 u
U feel insecure
and u wonder 'is that person more alt than me?"
"They are reading a book, they aren't on a laptop"
"They probably don't even have a twitter"
"It kinda smells"
"I wonder if they are homeless or alt"
The Crust Kids don't care abt ur mainstream or altstream judgment

What's ur name?
Why r u crusty?
I can save u.

Why don't u want 2 be like most girls I know?
I'd take u on a $2000 Urby Outfitters + Am Appy shopping spree
But u don't want to wear those clothes
U would rather spend that money on other goods and services
that would make ur life more meaningful

U have a dog
Who has the same diet as u
[via living off the land]

I don't 'get' it
because I wouldn't want my dog eating
Taco Bell, Panera Bread, Chili's and other chain restaurants.
But I respect it. Ur lifestyle.

The children of the crust alts
confuse me
Because I am so 'consumer alt'
Connected 2 my Macbook

Maybe the crust kids are 'truly living'...

I see a house that burned down
U see ur dream home

I see some sort of weird grave / pile of crap
U see ur dream home

I see 'an underpass'
and u see 'an underground crust kid festival'

For all I know
Crust kids are not homosexual or heterosexual
They are pansexual, omnisexual, metasexual, and pre-trans-sexual

Crust kids
have dread locks
but not because their fave band is Incubus
They just haven't been by the river lately 2 take a bath

We are the crusties
The Crustwave kids
U see us
And u don't 'get' us

We see mainstream consumer alts who 'love indie music'
and we don't 'get' u
We don't get U
hidden behind ur Macbook
Overpaying for 'vintage thrift' clothes
When u could just steal them

U collect things
While we live off the land

We srsly purchase PBR
because it is 'mad cheap'
Sometimes we just chill on rubbing alcohol
Just wanna get effed up

We're the crust kids
Next time u see us
Stop by and say hi
Don't be afraid

Don't mind the crust on my skin
the dirt in my hair
The stank of my scent
The plaque on my teeth

I never want 2 be like u
U think ur so alt
but ur so trapped
Have fun in the blogosphere
I'm gonna go ride my bike
Pick up some free pizza
Have unprotected sex in a public park
Hop on a train and search for another network of crusties in a different city
and wake up 2morrow and do it all over again

************

Do yall ever see crust kids?
R u scared of crusties?
Are 'ppl who read Vice' just 'wannabe crusties'?
Who will be the next crustwave indie alt band?
Do they 'stink' / have nothing 2 contribute 2 modern society?
What do they want out of life?
Why don't they see 'alt' the same way we see it?
Are they 'more alt' than 'indie internet alts who shop at retail stores on the internet'?
Is being a 'consumer alt' cowardly? Or are we just trying to 'leave a mark' on the world/the arts and crusties have 'given up'?
Do u think that u could 'live off the land' and search for food in dumpsters?
Have yall ever eaten anything out of a dumpster, or do u prefer 'paying for service' [via the modern dining experience]?
Is pizza the only thing that all humans share as a common interest?

Plz use the comments section 2 share ur personal stories abt interactions with crust kids. Are they 'chill' or do they 'kill the vibe'? [via lack of depth + self-awareness]

Alt Has No Size. Love Has No Size. I am the Plus-Sized Alt Female.

Photo by Grande Fille


It's hard 2 be a mainstream female in the modern world
But I'm glad
I'm alt
I can really 'be me'

I know there's been tons of 'skinny bitches' in recent alt movies
Zooey Deschanel's crazy coke look [link]
Natalie Portman in the Black Swan: A Tale of Lezbo Hornie Anorexia
but I'm me

It does't matter how I look
It doesn't matter what I eat
It doesn't matter what u want me 2 be
I am free

Free 2 wear meaningful beanies, scarves, skinny jeans
Getting my nostril pierced
Wearing keut alt glasses
I love being a part of the scene

I can grub where ever I want
A vegan bakery
Chili's
Trader Joe's Olive Bar
Dunkin Donuts
Einstein Bro's Bagels
James Murphy's House of Pancakes
Chipotle
Combination Olive Garden + Red Lobster

I can be me
I can eat
whatever I want
And the indie blogosphere modern alt scene is here 4 me

I have the perfect alternative breasts
U have the perfect alternative breasts

Where I can go to an Arcade Fire show and not feel 'out of place'
Where I can listen to indie buzzbands and not be body-typially-profiled
Where I can meet the perfect altbro who <3s me 4 me

Love = Alt
Alt = Love
Me = U
Fat = Skinny
Alt = Mnstrm

I wanna become 1 with u
I wanna be me with u

I am the plus sized alt.
Alt has no size.
It feels good 2 be an alt
When alt is me and I am alt.

Does alt 'have a size'?
Can any1 be welcomed in2 the alt scene, no matter their skin color/size/ethnic background?
Do u have to be 'skinny' 2 wear 'skinny jeans'?
Do u h8 our modern mainstream society that pressures every1 2 be skinny?

Previously

Alt Has No Size. Love Has No Size. I am the Plus-Sized Alt

Does an authentic altbro cut his own hair?

Photos by sexypeoplezone


I am the modern alternative bro
Cutting my hair
I haven't been to 'the barber shoppe' in years
I haven't seen the back of my head in years
Guessing and checking
2 give myself an authentic haircut

I do my best to 'get it right'
But it is those imperfections in my hair
that make it the official alt + bro haircut
Paying $9.99 at my local Supercuts just doesn't make sense
When I can buy drugs / alcohol / 2 albums from Amazon MP3

I use progressive techniques 2 give myself a wonderful haircut

I just don't have the time 2 drive to suburbia to pay 4 a haircut at a haircutting franchise 'chain'

I'm not a child
I remember those days sitting in the barber chair
Some of the most intense moments of introspection of my life

"Am I a handsome bro?"
"Do girls want 2 bang me?"
"Will I fingerbang my GF in the movie theatre this weekend?"

My hair is art

I am a conceptual being.
My hair is living performance art
It grows. I cut it.
As I get older, it begins 2 fall out
I am afraid of cutting my own hair
as I 'go bald'
Will I 'shave it all off'
Will I execute a 'ridiculous combover' [via Donnie Trumps]

Fortunately, I don't have a 'real job'
Nor do I have plans 2 get 1 evr
Making my alt haircut 'functional'
Rlly fits in2 my alternative lifestyle

I grow my alt hair out
It is long and beautiful and alt
Then I cut my hair
In2 something short and alt
This bro is me.
This is my haircut.

I am a true altbro.
I cut my own hair.

Do u cut ur own hair?
Do true altbros 'cut their own hair' or do they go 2 a franchise chain barber shop?
Do bros who cut their own hair 'look like shit'?
Would u walk in2 a job interview 4 a 'real job' if u cut ur own hair?
Do alt girls cut their own hair, or does their 'artsy bff' cut their hair?
Should I attend a modern beauty school so I can learn how 2 dye scene kids' hair platinum?
If u cut ur own hair, do u not contribute anything 2 society?
Should I get a flowbee?

Do u manscape ur own pubes or ride Brazi Bikini Wax Waves?

Thinking abt my humanitarian personal brand


Thinking abt my personal brand
and how I am growing older
and Am Appy / plaid shirts
Zany headbands
Fly ass sneakers
and bloggable jeans
no longer take my prsnl brnd to 'such great heights'

Feel like I need to become a 'cool dad'
a free-spirted mom
a high bloggable parent
Who does more than just 'squirt out a few kids'
that were generated from my own seed/egg

Just want to adopt an American-born child
Let every1 know that I understand there is are emerging population issues

Not sure if I vibe that hard 2 importing kids
There's plenty of kids who need homes in America
and are pretty comparable to foreign kids
just as long as they are immersed in American society

I think abt how sweet and bad ass my life has been
No real problems, got to focus on social aspects of life
and not rlly any expectations 2 'be something great'
so it would be chill if I was able to raise some kids
that vibed out to my same American dream

Just want every1 to see my skin
then see the skin of my child
and be like "Damn. He is a good person. Because the baby has dark skin, they were probably 'rescued' from a dire situation. Wish I had the energy/financial resources 2 save some1. Instead, I am focused on raising kids with the same skin colour as me who don't appreciate it."

Just need 2 rebrand rlly bad
do something more meaningful with my life
because it seems like I'll never be in a buzzband
I'll never find an authentic partner
I'll never do anything buzzworthy with my life
Maybe it's time to 'pull a Sandra Bullock' [via the Blind Side]
and ride the Brangelina wave
Get serious abt life

Do u think adoption is chill?
Is adoption 'authentic' or do u prefer ur own seed?
Are there 'population issues' [via over-crowding]?
Should Americans only be allowed to have 1 child per household so we don't drain our corn / powdered milk reserves?
Is carrying a coloured/foreign child a 'great personal branding strategy'?
Did Sandra Bullock's career 'go down the shitter' after SPEED?

Is your personal brand compromised when you attend a relevant alternative event with your partner?

Photo by IWitlen via Miami NewTimes


I just saw this picture of a couple standing 'front row' at a relevant Toro Y Moi concert in Miami. While the chillwave movement is often associated with 'groups of bros' who 'just want to chill out', you have to remember that the 'live show experience' is not just an event for bro congregation, groups of friends to 'get trashed', and other tangible social networking opportunities. A live show/art show/music festival/public outdoor alt farmer's market event is an opportunity for an alternative couple to 'get off their asses' and 'go out in public', a monthly/yearly opportunity to feel like they are still a part of' the scene'.

Most couples end up sitting at home, growing to resent/hate one another after nights spent eating unhealthy meals, watching complete seasons of the Office on DVD, and arguing about 'whether or not the non-insecure member of the relationship' really wants to 'give up his or her social life' for the simple life of a relationship. Going out in public to a highly relevant event puts your relationship under tons of stress if both members of the couple aren't high level alts. Your personal brand is linked to your partner, so if you aren't both committed to 'looking good', 'having fun' and 'being alt', the intensity of the alternative environment can 'crack' your relationship.

Just wish I could be a Member of the Altest Couple on Earth [link]

Very few couples create alternative synergy, where both members of a couple have a personal brand that is elevated by existing in a relationship. If u find some1 like this, hold on 2 them forever, purchase a mixed loft/art space with them, and start a buzzband with them.

Problems with going out with ur partner if the relationship isn't on strong alternative ground:

  • Having to see a crappy band if ur partner isn't authentic/up-to-speed on blog buzzbands
  • Ur partner's wardrobe if they aren't as alt as u
  • Not being able to 'upgrade' to a more authentic/attractive partner
  • Dealing with ur partner 'getting drunk' + 'new emotions/feelings being expressed'
  • Getting drunk and accidentally 'letting ur eye wander' in public
  • Not being able to go to 'the after party' because ur partner is 'tired' and 'her feet hurt'/is 'dehydrated'/'light-headed from being in such a cramped space'/needing to go to Denny's to 'eat more food 4 energy.'
This photograph is a 'case study' on the pressures of being in a relationship while you are at a highly relevant event.


Are you ashamed of me?
No, I am standing close to you, with my hands around you, proving that you are mine. You are my property. Our brands are aligned.

Are other girls alt-er/hotter than me?

Once again, I have overcompensated with my physical affection for you, and even integrated 'being into the music' into 'being into you.' Let's dance/sway side-to-side together.

Are you trying to hide me because ur ashamed of me?
No, we are standing in the goddamn front row. We have been making eye contact with Chaz the whole time. He probably thinks we are an awesome couple.

I know you want to start a buzzband. If u went on tour, would u stay faithful, or bang other hotties like me all across the USA?

I would bring you on tour, babe. I would bring you on tour. No1 compares to you. I promise.

You never take me out.

I am just so tired of our group of friends. They don't understand what it's like to be in a committed relationship. I would rather just spend every night on the couch with you. Don't even care about bro time any more.

My feet hurt.

We're going to have to go to the mall tomorrow to get you a new pair of shoes. I know that TOMS match your purchase price with a donation to charity, but I just don't think they are very orthopedic.

I don't know who I am as a person. I don't feel alt. I don't feel mainstream. What am I doing with my life? Being around so many people makes me question who I am. I feel old. I don't have a tight, firm 17 year old body any more. should I go vegan.

I am overwhelmed. I don't know how to deal with the problems of a 20something mildly alternative female who is searching 4 her place in the world. But I would feel bad abandoning her. I am not sure what to do. I am the modern alternative bro. I used to attend relevant concerts with a few bros, getting fucked up, standing in the front of the stage. Now here I am, managing this relationship. I value the spirit of the relationship, but I wonder what I am missing out on. I feel like other girls have been checking me out, analyzing my brand, possibly devaluing me because of my 'old ball and chain.' Can life get any better? Can my life get any worse? Is the grass 'always alt-er' on the other side?

Hands on the hips of my girlfriend. 5-8 years ago, this would have seemed like my alternative heaven, but these days... I am having my doubts.

Here I am, watching another buzzband play live. I always thought that would have been me by now. My alternative life is passing me by.

I am 26 years old, and I haven't done one buzzworthy thing with my life.

**********
The alternative bro is growing up
entering relationships
still into buzzbands, still into 'being alt'
but the pressure to mainstreamify
and find a 'partner'
yet I still have my dreams
big dreams
of being relevant, buzzworthy, blogworthy
the ability to get a 'blow job'
from any entry-level skank across the globe.

Alt life passing me by
Not alt-famous
Not in a buzzband
don't have a high-trafficked alt blog
Not even part-owner of an authentic diy space/bakery

All I have to show that I am 'alive'
is a degree from design school
and a girlfriend
who represents everything I want to become/
everything I don't want 2 become

Do u think Chaz felt bad for that bro for being 'tied down' to a relationship?

Photo by IWitlen via Miami NewTimes

Sorta just hope life works itself out
and I end up being a relevant alternative celebrity
highly desirable
yet in a relationship with an equally desirable alternative relationship

Have you ever been in a relationship that 'bottlenecked' ur personal brand?
Is being in an alt relationship about 'going mainstream and hiding indoors' or going out and being social?
Do u feel bad when u see a 'couple' at a relevant alt event when one of the members of the relaish is 'way more alt' than the other 1?
Is taking a mainstreamer partner to a relevant alt experience sorta like 'pushing ur child on their bike with training wheels?
Is it difficult to be 'growing older', 'looking alt' and managing ur progressive personal brand while trying to find an 'authentic partner?
Do u 'laugh' when u see a mainstreamer + alt trying to 'make their relationship work'?
What are some tips for 'finding an authentic partner' in our modern global scene?

Alt Has No Size. Love Has No Size. I am the Plus-Sized Alt

photo by lastnightsparty


Plaid shirt
Skinny jeans
fly ass sneakers
Beard
alt haircut

The standard uniform of the male alt
So many bros
So many varied plaid color scheme combinations
So many personal brands that are within a very small standard deviation of 'the alt norm'

The truth is
It doesn't matter what a bro looks like
How long his facial hair is
which buzzband mp3s fill his iPod
What his preferred premium / post-ironic beer is
how much he weighs
how long his schlong us

Every alternative bro forms a larger body
a modern movement
an aesthetic
the sum of all altbros = far greater than any individual.

We can do anything
We can get any girl
We can all lust over a hot alt baguette
We are all

Kinda like existentialism
we are all 'the same' or something abstract like that
We are all just trying to bang hot alt pussie
We are all the same.

We can all 'get too drunk'
and lift up a girl
spin her around the dance floor
as our penis becomes erect against her clitoris/leggings

Alt has no size
Alt has no color
Kinda like 'love'
U could theoretically fall in love with 'the elephant bro'
or one of those bros who weighs 1 ton and sweats Coca Cola [via being fat]

Love = Alt
Alt = Love
Me = U
Fat = Skinny
Alt = Mnstrm

AnCo = NSYNC
Electro = Indie
Blogs = newspapers
Buzzbands = shity local bands
Cool Dads = entry level alts

1 day u will find her soulmate
He or she will/will not be 'perfect' on the outside
They might not be 'the personal brand that u thought u would end up with forever'
Too fat
Too skiny
Too dumb
Too smart in an ass-hole kind of way
Too neurotic
Too chill
Too into shitty music
Too into relevant buzzbands

but maybe deep down inside
they will 'make sense'
make sense 2 u
and u'll move in 2gether
become more than just an 'aimless 20something'
and u'll start a family

But it all starts tonight
Get ur ass on the dance floor
grind on her pussie/ass
Pick her up by her ass
Spin her around until she 'goes unconscious'

This is ur time
Alt has no size
Believe in urself
Believe in <3

Will u ever find ur soulmate?
Is there such thing as an 'over-sized' alt?
Are females expected to be skinnier than males?
Are u a plus-sized altbro? what size t-shirt/jeans do u wear?
Does 'alt' have a minimum/maximum weight?
Are u 'unhip' if u r 'fat'?
Have u ever been with a 'plus sized human'?
Can 'skinny jeans' exist if u have a 30/32/34/36/38/40+ inch waist?

Kanye West and LeBron James celebrate their global personal brands/being ass holes

LeBron James celebrates his new life with Kanye West, creating a controversial meme / think piece for the internet 2 analyze.

2 ass holes
trying 2 hard
2 be 'global brands'
2 be 'universally loved'

Working out their insecurities in public forums
In surreal contexts
One bro 'makes kewl sounds and raps over them
The other bro puts bouncey balls into hoops

As a society
we have told them that they are valuable because of their gifts
and they are both trying to 'make us happy'
Since they believe the fruits of their labors will help them to
inspire us to buy shit with their names on it.

Both mix art, sport, and commerce
trying to build a brand to 'sell shit'
Jerseys, albums, shoes, art
Trying to transcend demographics
Black, white, Chinese, Indian
Poor, Rich, Russian Billionaires, kids who can't afford shoes
tons of middle class white kids

Feel like we've been 'betrayed'
These bros are just so unchill
They are all about 'me'
But they are sort of like 'Me 1.0'
Me 2.0 exists on the internet
in the twitter/facebook status update era

Me 1.0 bros are just baffling
because they lack 'the self-awareness'
/are 'too insecure' to just chill out
Not make everything s000 contrived

Me 2.0 bros react fast on the twitter
It's not even that difficult to be Me 2.0
Me 2.0 bros 'get it' in a mainstream way
and are quick to share their snarky observations with the world

Me 2.0 bros really 'get off' to exposing Me 1.0 bros.

R u Me 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, 4.0, 5.0 or ____.0?

Feel like Kanye West and LeBron James don't really want people to h8 them
The bros are motivated to 'be loved'
to 'get their dicks sucked'
both physically and metaphorically

Think they might just need 'friends'
a solid network of bros who aren't lost in their inane talents
A network of bros who won't bang their moms [via Delonte West]
Some1 to help them understand who they are
sort of like a life coach

Might just vibe out,
listen to some vintage ironic non-ironic positive vibe rap
Brought to us by the ultimate African American personal brand
Will Smith

</embed>

Will Smith was truly the first African American
that young white people 'let into their homes'
(Most were too young to really bro down with Bill Cosby, except 2 eat Pudding Pops)
(And Steve Urkel wasn't really kewl enough/was just a gimmick)

So we have learned to love Will Smith
He has become an even more likable black version of Tom Cruise
So positive that it is difficult 2 believe
He even created a mini version of himself [via the Black Karate Kid]

N e ways
just wanted to say
LeBron and Kanye are ass holes
Don't really wanna get too insightful
or even 'give them advice'
because I think I enjoy watching them 'do dumb shit'
and create bloggable internet memes

But I feel like they have emerged as a 'new version of a black stereotype'
Maybe a Super-Sized Racial Stereotype that is only achievable in the modern world / internet era.
More than just an 'Uncle Tom' who wants to bro down with white people
or the 'sambo' who loves to perform for white people
or even the 'gorilla' who is commonly associated as some sort of 'beast' / 'bad guy' / 'violent, uncontrollable black man'

A new stereotype seems to have emerged,
and LeBron + Kanye are the 'poster boys'
of this African American Human Meme Stereotype

Feel 'racist' for suggesting this
But here is the criteria
a) Considered 'great' at their profession in a superficial kind of way
b) High level of fame across races
c) Trying super hard to 'expand their personal brands'/make every1 love them
d) Clearly never going to be as 'great' as others in their profession
e) Does shit that 'makes them h8ed' on the reg
f) They have evolved past the 'thug' stereotype and are more interested in appealing to white people with $$$ to buy stuff
g) Get tons of blog coverage
h) Ultimately symbolize some sort of 'tragic figure' still searching for an identity in an absurd, post-racial world.

Feel confused and scared for them
Like 'they can't win'
But they are trying really hard 2 'win'
Not even sure what they do

Heads up their own asses
Becomes 'fun to h8 them'
Cuz every day I browse the internet
for people/memes to <3
and people/memes 2 h8

Seems chill to be able to 'hate' these bros so hard
I feel 'more interesting' when I can react to negative vibes
instead of just trying to spread positive vibes all the time.
As chill as chillwaves can be
sometimes u gotta get harsh on some bros to have a 'dynamic personality'

Welcome 2 Miami
Bienvenidos a Miami.

Who is a bigger ass hole: LeBron James or Kanye West?
Which bro is more self-aware?
Do they represent a complex new stereotype / genre of 'famous African American bro' that the world has never seen before?
Who got 'fucked over' more: Taylor Swift or Cleveland?
Is LeBron James an ass hole 4 taking this picture?

I’m hornie.

Photo by the Stereo Argonaut


I'm so hornie
Super hornie
Just a hornie raver bro
Gonna get some horns
and glue that shit 2 my head.

Would be 'mad alt' if I were some how able
to grow horns out of my skull
Sorta look like the devil

Kinda jeal of ram horns though...

They seem mad alt
like u can really 'butt heads' with people
both physically
and intellectually

Elephant tusks seem mad alt, too

Bet u can really 'gore up ur parents'
when they tell u that u can't go out
and that u are not really 'gay'
that ur just pretending to be gay 'just to be different'

Horny toads seem chill too

Horns seem aggressive
but at the same time
'just trying to protect myself'
from so many natural and social predators who are trying to dampen my vibe/brand

Piercings on my face
connecting my nose 2 my mouth
Raver bracelets on my arms
painted finger nails

They are all pretty sweet personal branding tools
But I just wish I had something that 'set me apart' from the crowd
without being a deformity
Something that made me look like I was 'half animal, half human'
Kinda like the wolf tweens [link]

I'm deviant
I'm dark
I'm hornie

Just a lil hornie bro
Might go 2 a rave

I'm hornie
Gonna make out with my bro

Erect peens
I don't believe in 'gender'
I just believe in <3, h8, and cum
bc I'm hornie.

R u hornie?
Are horns an authentic personal branding tool?
Do ravers come up with the best personal branding gimmicks?
Do u know where I can buy some horns, or do I have 2 kill an animal?
What is the most authentic animal with horns?

RAVE OR DIE (pt 40 of 100000)

Photos by the cobrasnake http://thecobrasnake.com/partyphotos.html


Sometimes I wonder what the future of the music festival is. It seems like most music festivals are 'so corporate' now that they are sort of losing their identity, and don't fully take advantage of middle America. I feel like raves are sorta like the NASCAR of live music events. It sorta caters to the massive market of 'low-end' consumers who just need an excuse to drink/do drugs/assimilate with their weird interpretation of alt culture.

feel like 'low-end alts' might be the future of mass alternative markets. The high-end indiesphere 'isn't where all the money is. Apparently this 'rave' called Electric Daisy Carnival drew 185,000 people.

Music festivals really are getting out of hand. This rave seems chill because there are 'free refills' on water [via water fountains].

not every1 can afford fiji/smart/vitamins/coconut water.

Fans want to 'create their own merch' instead of buying overpriced tshirts and tote bags.

Got this for free with my Sega Saturn when I was 10 and turned it into a rave necklace.

Definitely give this bro props for his Super Ninendo controller built in to his rave flair.

Zany Spongebob Bro. Wonder if it is still 'quirky' 2 'like Spongebob' of if that phase died in the 1990s.

Maybe lil Muppet Backpacks are a chill rave prop

Got really effed up. Had 2 throw up behind a dumpster

Also had to poop and pee thru my leggings

Luckily raves hire custodial staff to make sure everything is clean.

But still, gotta wear an electro gas mask to 'keep out' negative vibes / port o potty fumes / vomit fumes out of my nose

Wonder if there is a new genre of bros who work out just so their bodies look good at raves.

sup bro pt 2

sup bro pt 3

Who is more authentic 2 ravers, Deadmaus or Mickey Mou5e?

Worried about this lost clown bro

Wonder if she tore this shirt after putting it on, or if it was some premeditated slashing

Just want to go to a place with progressive thongs.

Do u want ur parents to drop u off at the rave after telling them it is a 'Late Night Soccer Tournament'?

Or do you want to use a rave as an opportunity to reconnect with ur mom after 'dropping E' together?

Not sure if this is a juggalo or a raver

The Emergence of the USA BRO

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In the United States, soccer is the official sport of suburbia. More American kids play soccer than any other sport in the United States. There is tons of space in the suburbs of every city in America, which provides local communities with great opportunities to build decent facilities to host youth games every weekend.

White parents want their children to be successful. Realistically, most white Americans have no chance to become a professional athlete, since African Americans have a superior blood line. These premium African American athletes often choose to play football and basketball, the sports which represent 'making the most bank' and 'becoming the most famous', mainly based on 'how many commercials ur in' and 'how many sweet highlights u end up in on SportsCenter.' (Note: Many white journalists 'hold this against African American atheletes for chasing 'impure' glory.)

While many American bros enjoy the spirit of the mainstream sports of basketball, football, and even Yankees/Red Sox baseball, there is no purer American Sport for the modern bro than the sport of soccer. A generation of bros has grown up 'playing soccer' but not necessarily knowing how to consume it in a professional / international context. Most Americans don't even really have a local league/website/tv station from which to consume the standard drama + newsbits + controversy on a daily basis

USABROS have been searching for other USABROS since after the 1994 World Cup in the United States. After that local World Cup, USA bros gained a 'global perspective', understanding that there was a 'whole nother world out there', beyond the traditional 'trapped in their lives' Americans who watched mainstream/weekend sports (NFL, NASCAR, college football, March Madness, golf, etc). The USABRO 'narrowly' escaped the overmarketing of extreme sports, which involved stoners on surf boards / snow boards /motorbikes doing 'retarded ass tricks' in front of Mountain Dew billboards.

The USABRO is just looking for a 'breakout' opportunity every 4 years. Every World Cup since 1990, USABROS have been growing. USABROS are searching for justification with their lives': WHY did they play soccer all those years? Was it because they were athletically inferior to the African Americans who ran them off the football/basketball teams in high school? Was it because their parents wanted them to bond in a team/group environment? Was it because their parents had expendable income to pay for an overpriced trainer who wasn't really qualified, but had a sweet foreign accent? Was it because they were a part of 'something bigger than themselves'?

The USABRO has been marinating for the past 20 years, born from the ashes of the downfall of the American family. The emergence of the 'soccer mom' in the 1990s wasn't really just a 'pop culture cliche buzzword'--it was the bond that was formed between a mother and a son after the downfall of the Babyboomer Father Figure. Mothers and sons shared long drives to the outskirts of the suburbs every weekend to play in meaningful soccer teams. For many American bros, the first spirit of 'true bro' was born on 'the pitch' [via the 'soccer field'].

In the modern United States, soccer never has really had a legitimate professional league that warranted national attention. Americans don't have the technical skill, the history, or the analytical skill to consume 'soccer.' Old news hacks have found comfort in 'hating' on soccer, since they really couldn't identify with it. 'Sports' are a product/way of life that you learn how to consume from your father. Gen Xers and Baby Boomers had alcoholic fathers yelling at black and white TVs, watching baseball, Larry Bird, and other white man games on television. This father was 'not present' in many Gen Y lives', leading USABROS to emerge,

Popular Generation X writer Chuck Klosterman wrote in his book Sex Drugs and Cocoa Memes that soccer was 'bullshit' and made tons of pre-blog era snarky arguments about 'why soccer sucked' and 'was for pussies.' It seemed like a 'funny take' in the pre-blog era, but an entire generation of 'pussies' was born. Now Generation Y is 'growing up', and they are 'searching for their justification.' They want to reconnect with nostalgic images of youth, back when 'youth soccer' was all they had. Back when they actually had a symbiotic relationship with their parents, before they started 2 resent them.

To the rest of the world, "soccer" isn't even a real word. It is a word that America made up for no good reason.

But to USABROS, 'soccer' means even more than 'football.' It's not just a sport that is attached to the livelihood of an entire country. 'Soccer' is an idea that one day we'll understand why 'we' exist as American bros. There are so many different types of bros in the world, but many are happy 'just being bros', not really searching for anything more than a nice pair of breasts and a vagina to keep their penis hard and warm.

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Every time the United States scores a meaningful goal, I feel a strong connection with USABROS all across the United States.

The USABRO didn't really know who they were or why they existed until the success of the United States National Team during the 2002 World Cup in South Korea. As young bros, many pre-formative USABROS spent many weekends forging connections with fellow soccer bros, traveling to tournaments in different cities, trying to become the best player/team possible seemed 'irrelevant' since the NFL and NBA are 'the most popular/best branded sports in the United States.'

The USABRO is a micro-phenomenon, only understood by true USABROS. USABROS have turned to the internet to 'connect' with other USABROS, consuming soccer news from leagues and countries across the world as aggressively as other people follow pop culture / celeb gossip / indie buzzbands. If the United States became a 'soccer nation' (after the USA wins the World Cup in 0-1000 years), 'soccer' will probably be 'gobbled up' by the same cliches and impurities that have ruined other sports. But for now, soccer belongs to the USABRO. Understanding our triumphs (which mean nothing to the rest of the world), and understanding our national identity in a global context.

The broternity of USABROS is a special one. More powerful than the spirit of youth sports. Channeling the authentic bond formed between a son and his mother.


Sitting at home
in my mother's house
unemployed (but she still loves me and makes me a hearty meal every night)
watching the World Cup
on our flat screen HD TV
Following along with my laptop,
monitoring twitter trending topics
(twitter gives gives me reassurance that a world exists outside of Middle America)

If the USA wins
this means more than anything
more pure than any American professional sports championship
There is a reason my mom was a soccer mom
There is a reason why I was a soccer bro

If the United States wins the World Cup
My existence as a USABRO has meaning

Old Navy Flag t-shirts
are more than just a 'personal branding decision'

What is nationalism? A sense of bro-ness with your bros.
What is patriotism? Knowing that you and your bros are better than any other bros in the entire world.
What is capitalism? Knowing u and ur bros are gonna make 'mad bank' one day (possibly even just 'metaphorically').

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What is the spirit of the American Bro? A need 2 understand 'why' you were put on this Earth as an American bro, with a life that seems 'easy/chill', but still lacks the mainstream meaning that u r searching for. American success in an evolving niche sport might be the only thing that can make the modern bro feel like they are on this Earth to do more than just 'spend time on their laptops.'

I want to understand suburbia.
I want to understand the downfall of the modern American male.
I want to understand 'why' soccer moms existed in the 1990s.
I want to the impurity of professional sports to manifest themselves as the Americans capture 'glory' in the World Cup.
I want to accept my limitations as an inferior genetic specimen and root for American soccer players, as opposed to LeBron James.
I want a spirit of bro to come over me which is understood by only a small sect of American bros.

Every 4 years, the USABRO has an opportunity to be 'more than just a bro.' Most likely, the spirit of the USABRO will be crushed. However, what bonds the USABROS 2gether is 'the chance' that 1 day being a USABRO will provide the meaningful universal/national outcome that most bros can't cultivate out of 'just getting married to some dumb slut and popping out a few kids.' USABROS need to know that there is a reason we all drove to the outskirts of suburbia to chase a ball around in some 'boring' game that 'is hated' by 'the majority of Americans.'

I'm proud to be a USABRO.

Sorry I haven’t posted much lately, but I have some good news. I got married!

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Hey guys,
As you know, I haven't really been blogging much lately. Sometimes I get so caught up in the internet that I forget to have real life goals, and experience real life joys. It's really tough to be a blogger, because it's like a social responsibility. At this point, I 'can't stop', I can't just decide to stop generating memes. There is a buzz economy that depends on me.

Anyways, I have some really awesome developments in my life. I got effing married! Effing sweet, amirite? Hells yeas.
I embedded some video footage from our wedding in the top of this post. My wife and I decided that we wanted to walk down the aisle to Animal Collective's hit song "My Girl." We hired an AnCo cover band to play the song (The name of their band is called The Brother Sports if you want to hire them, they also played the after party).

It was a really festive experience. We got all of the members of the party to do 'conceptual dances' as we walked down the aisle. Even though every1 at our wedding were old mainstreamers, they all seemed to understand the celebratory vibes of the song. They knew that we were simple people who didn't care about material things, who just wanted to build an adobe house for our children.

Her dad was kinda pissed, i think, because he just wanted us to walk down the aisle to the traditional wedding song. He doesn't understand that we used the #1 song of the 2k0 decade. Maybe he'll understand in a few years.

Anyways, yall... I'm married now. I'm sure the way that I blog is gonna change. When u read my writing, u'll sense a lot of joy and positivity in my life. I will probably also get 'more conservative' because I want to protect my traditional alternative family.

Every time u hear 'My Girls', think about my wedding, and how awesome my life is now that I have found 'the one.' The one who is willing to walk down the aisle while an Animal Collective cover band plays.

What buzzworthy song will u play at ur wedding?
Do u wish u had a group of bros who knew how to 'cover' Animal Collective?
How will u make ur alternative wedding 'more meaningful' than just a mainstream wedding?
Is 'getting married' a good idea, or will every1 get divorced?
If u and ur partner have a strong bond built on indie and chillwave music, will ur love survive?

XX BONUS ALTERNATE ANGLE

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Lord of the Bros: Is the modern College Bro a danger 2 society?

Have you ever been 2 college? What was your college brand all about? Were you the ultimate college bro?

Sometimes I wonder if certain subcultures / genres of humans are a danger / threat 2 society. Like there is something ugly brewing inside of them, and eventually they will 'break free' and cause some sort of huge danger to other humans. At the very least, there will be tons of property damage, kinda like black people and the Los Angeles riots.

Going away to college seems like the ultimate opportunity to become a bro. Being away from parents. Eating at all-you-can-eat buffet style cafeterias. Getting 'shit faced' and experimenting with drugs. Living in a small room with some one who you love and hate at the same time. Having ultimate broments where you are 'nailing' a 'chick', and your bro is pleasuring himself from his bunk bed beneath you.

Being a college bro means 'fitting in' with a network of like-minded bros. But do you really get the love and affection that you need to remain happy? Does moving away from the parents you hate really 'free' you, or are you more 'trapped' than ever, forced to justify your life decisions? Does college prepare u for the real world, or does it cause people to slide into a surreal life where they stay in college for 6-10 years since they don't want to deal with society? Does it cause 20 year olds to go into too much debt since they are trying to 'perpetuate' a lifestyle for way 2 long.

Sort of just wish I could go to college, and have some sort of college bro convention. We would talk about modern issues that are relevant to the modern college bro, then have a 'sick rager' with tons of red cups. It would be kind of like a music festival held at an on-campus apartment complex.

Eventually, things would get out of hand, and we would throw all of our Scarface posters, campus-issued furnitures, and Dell Desktop computers into a massive bonfire. It would be sort of like a modern 'Animal House' except with more social commentary.

Eventually, I would emerge as the Lord of the Bros, giving a passionate speech while my skin roasted in the flames. College isn't about grades. It isn't about acquiring technical skills for a future job. It's about making meaningful connections with a series of bros. I didn't pay for a degree. I paid for an experience.

College Bros from all over the country would hear my voice, and use my advice to build a better network of college bros. We would be more than just bros getting drunk, sexting broads, and jerking off to internet porn. We would be a unified movement. We would start a facebook group, and our wall would be very active.

Even non-bros would be inspired, and work with us. They will stand up and declare, "Fuck society. This is our time. College can last forever if we want it to."

Eventually, the riot squad will be summoned, and society will try to 'hold us down.' The will be threatened by the College Bro utopia that we want to build.

Some of the bros will run and hide, scared that their parents will 'cut them off' if they go to jail. Some of us will fight. Some of us will fall. Taken down in a sea of red cups and crushed Keystone Light cans.

This bro is me. I have a dream. I had a dream. One day, America will remember me because the US Government will give every1 the 'day off' to celebrate me + my message of college bro equality.

I will beg and plead with them, yelling, 'Cmon bro' or even 'Not cool bro.' They simply don't understand me.

I am not looking for a girlfriend, but I want a girl who will fight for me. A girl who will 'please me in bed' but also 'stand up for me' in my time of need. Every college bro needs a fiery college skank who will drunkenly get arrested defending him.

We will go to jail. We will pay fines. It will be difficult for us to find jobs after college. But College Bro Day was worth it. Our cause. Our iconic images will live forever.

Are college bros a threat to society?
Is there some sort of untamed spirit inside of them that will lead to property damage?
Are college bros depressed on the inside?
Did you go to college and mature, or did you experience a version of the world that misrepresented post-college life, leaving u paralyzed an unable to assimilate into the real world?
Are college bros 'homosexually repressed', therefore 'violent'?
Did u live in a dorm or off campus?
Should America try to prevent the broification of college campuses, or is the process of broing down natural?
Have u ever been to a college party that 'got out of control'?
Did ur life fall apart in college?
Did u meet the best bros of ur life in college?
Should the US Government create more programs to prevent the broification of the American College & University System?

Rage, Rage
Against the Dying
of the bro

I am a grassroots marketing representative for an energy drink.

Photo by thecobrasnake


Hello. Would you like to try a new cutting edge energy drink? It comes with an authentic boost of natural energy, made from healthy things that come from the Earth like vitamins, vegetables, plants, and miscellaneous non-synthetic elements. You won't feel the same 'crash' that you feel when you consume other energy drinks.

I like my job. I'm good at it. We basically find events where 14-25 year olds are hanging out, then go there with our cooler truck, and encourage them to try our brand of drink. We are real marketers. We don't just sit back and pray that something goes viral on the internet. To really promote a brand, we have to take it to the people.  This is authentic marketing.  Roll up your sleeves and get to work.

Day after day.  Going to the warehouse.  Filling up the truck with ice + energy drinks.

Driving.  Flat screen TVs in the back of our car.  Wearing a polo shirt with the brand on it.  Casual cool business attire.  This is the good life.

People really get excited when our truck rolls around. We play some really fun tunes by relevant buzzbands, and our branded SUV turns into modern tailgate party , with people rallying around our brand.  It really becomes a mad house.  I am not sure if people are excited about our brand, or if they are just excited to get something for free.

The hardest part of the job is when minorities and greedy teens try to hoard our free product.  I wish they would understand that we are trying to promote the brand to as many people as possible.  We want to give you a sample, but we are not looking to give you a 1 month's supply of energy drink. Show a little bit of respect. Not just for me, but for urself.

You think this is an easy job? You're fucking wrong. What we do takes a high level awareness/understanding of marketing, human nature, and the local cultural event economy. Not every one can do what we do. Not every1 can hand out free drinks to strategic markets.

Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? No. But this is an important resume builder as I move up in the company, or take my knowledge to another company/brand.

Energy Drinks.  Brand Building. Letting consumers know that they can believe in our brand.

The road goes on forever
and the demand for energy in a can never ends.

*******
What is the most authentic type of energy drink?
Are energy drinks 'for ass holes'?
Do yall believe in grass roots marketing?
Have u ever had a job where u sat at a table and represented a brand?

Classic Alt Literature: What is the Lasting Brand of ‘Catcher in the Rye’?


I recently read that popular pre-internet author J.D. Salinger passed away. He was apparently the author of the popular book Catcher in the Rye. The name sounded familiar, so I googled it to remember what the cover looked like. I usually remember books by their cover, because that is often a good way to judge if the content/brand will appeal to you. We must judge books by their covers in the modern world because of the rapid production output of the information economy.

I found the cover, then 'remembered the book' from elementary/middle school/high school. I mainly remember it because it was white, and people used to doodle on it. Some bro highlighted the entire cover neon yellow, back in the era of the 'school supplies arms race' [via Yikes pencils/uniball pens/mechanical pencils/erasable pens]. The book also reminds me of 'a book that some bro would list in their fave books section of their facebook profile.' Feel like I don't have very many positive experiences with the brand extension of Catcher in the Rye.

Apparently, the book is the story of some 'rich kid/misfit' who 'doesn't fit in' and 'sees thru all the bull shit in ppl.' His name is Holden Caulfield. I think he was meant to be some sort of character who enables people to 'project themselves' as the alt-protagonist. Think this is an important feature in critically-acclaimed/universally accepted works of art.

Holden Caulfield seemed like he was a 'snarky' bro. Unfortunately, they didn't have blogs back then, so he wasn't able to become a snarkblogger and escape from society by 'sitting at home on his laptop and commenting abt how sillie stuff/people are.'

Read the book a long time ago. Had to read wikipedia to find all this stuff out, but honestly feel like I got a 'good enough' experience by just skimming the plot + reading miscellaneous background information. From what I have read, the book was just sort of a long 'bitchfest' written in 1st person, back before every1 was into 'bitching about their own lives'.'

Catcher in the Rye seems relevant because it is 'classic alt literature.' Probably a book with semi-important ideas that was at a low enough reading level for developing alternative spirits to read. I feel like the only thing I remember about the book was that the bro 'went to visit a prostitute', and that seemed interesting to me since I was still learning about 'how to cum/make sex with other ppl', so the concept of paid sex professionals was very intriguing to me.

I am not sure if 'the brand' of the book was very marketable. Maybe a few decent ideas in there, but it never really inspired the rabid fan base that the Royal Tenenbaums did. Feel like the Holden Caulfield costume never really 'caught on' much like the Richie Tenenbaum costume.

Photo by jaimehaire


Some people say that the popular film 'Garden State' was just trying 2 rip off Catchy in the RyeRye.

Do yall think that books will play an important role in carving the 'alternative spirit of tomorrow'? Or will most tweens just chill on the internet forever?

Wonder which author will be remembered forever-er... J.D. Salinger or R.L. Stine?

I think the Goosebumps brand will never be forgotten, even by ppl who didn't read any of the books. They really built a brand--they even put tactile goosebumps on the cover of the book.

Do yall think book covers are better/easier to judge before they are made into a major motion picture?

Or afterwards?

I am not sure what today's 'classic alt' literature would be. Would tweens read Vonnegut or would they rather read Twilight/Harry Potter?
Is the Lord of the Rings trilogy still a 'good book series', or is it better to just watch it on HDTVblu-ray?
Has Catcher in the Rye turned into 'glorified required reading'?
Who is the greatest alt writer of all time? Ayn Rand? Tom Clancy? Tao Lin? Chuck Palahniuk? JGrish?
Are books only 'worth reading' if they have been turned in2 a movie?
Are books with alternative characters overrated/overvalued because they were written before web 2.0 allowed humans to follow other humans as if they were tragic/inspiring/interesting characters?
What books were u required to read in ur public/private school?
Should I buy a kindle/audiobook player?
Are books 'fun'?
Are books 'green'?
Are blogs the new books/magazines?

'Not to take away from the life of JD Sally, but Catcher in the Rye should have been re-made/adapted into a modern alt tween flick/MTV series in order to see if the elements of the story truly stood the test of time.'
-a progressive critic

Becoming ‘more than just another AnCo Fan’ in the 2k10s: My First Deakin Show.

In the year 2k9, many 'authentic' alts listened to the popular post-buzzbands 'the Animal Collective.' Many blogs and web pundits probably enjoyed discussing them more than they enjoyed their music. As yall know, 2k9 ended, and the slate of authenticity was wiped clean.

The clock struck midnight--it was a new year, and I didn't feel any different. I was sitting in my room, reading 'best of the decade' and 'best of 2k9' posts. A tear rolled down my face, since the prospect of the unknown year made me feel like Mel Gibson's death scene in Braveheart. I decided it was time to take the initiative and move on with my life. It was time to stop living in the past. It was time to let go of 2k9...

It was time to let go of AnCo.

"Letting Go of AnCo"
A Short Story
Presented by Carles


I had always been fascinated by the band dynamic within the popular buzzband Animal Collective. So many textures, it was difficult to know who was the true backbone of the band. Each member had an abstract role, and their plausible group creative process was so foreign to traditional creative types.

2k9 was probably the best year of my life. I had a great post-entrylev girlfriend who was a virgin b4 me, a great set of bros left over from the electro era, and most importantly, impeccable taste in music/life/the internet/humans/electronics/everything. Needless to say, Animal Collective was my band. The highlight of my year was when they came to town, and I huffed salvia with a group of friends, then waited at the front of the stage for 6 hours to be closest to the music.

But then everything fell apart. My group of friends started bickering, one of my bros got a beej-jay from GF in the back of a dive bar, and it seemed like the most inauthentic people & websites 'gave their two cents' on everything that I held near and dear. I was over it all. So. Effing. Over. It.

It was time to move on. A new decade. I had to isolate myself, and find something new to get into. I realized that in order to move on, I had to let go of the thing I thought was most important to me. The Collective of Animals.

I looked at a local alt blog, covering the Baltimore scene, and saw that the former member of Animal Collective, Josh Dibb AKA Deakin AKA Deacon was coming to town to play a live solo set.. Apparently he raised $25K from internet bros to enable him to travel to Africa to record some sweet field sounds, play a live show, then drop a 'sweet ass' EP. Needless to say, I was going to see Deacon 'before he got big.'

Before I got to the show, I had decided that I would like Deacon 'more than AnCo', but 'not as much as Panda Bear solo.'

Photo by Chrissy Abbott// Meme via Bmore music


I was surrounded with some of the most conceptual humans on the planet. Before the show started, I chatted with a few Animal Collective conspiracy theorists. We went over the usual theories about why Deakin 'left' the band. We confronted the usual 'cheating' with Avey/Panda's wife rumor, along with the standard 'heavy drug use' theory. We wondered if just didn't bring anything to the table, or did he bring TOO MUCH to the table? After many Beatles comparisons, and theorizing which member of AnCo would be assassinated first [via Johnny Lennon], we decided it was time to just relax, and enjoy the Deacon.

[MP3]

Deakin Live Deacon Bootleg
/////Rest of Bootleg Available at this bloggy.

The music reminded me so much of AnConian elements, but also was 'totally different.' It felt like 2k9 was over, like I finally heard a new sound that was 'worth blogging about.' I wondered what came first: the Anco or the Deak? I felt right at home in 2k9, watching Deakin on Stage turning knobs, and singing with zany voices into a microphone. It felt so familiar, but so, so different.

Then I started to feel lost. I started to say 'this music isn't really that good. it is just aesthetic matching. I just like stuff that sounds familiar, cuz it reminds me of my perfect life in 2k9.' I started to get angry, hearing soft arpeggios, attempting to suck me into a dream world. Chill drumbeats, pounding out a rhythm, tears rolling down my face.

Damn you Deacon.
It didn't have to be like this.
You just could have stayed in the band.
You just could have told us what was wrong. AnCo could have been 4 people. It's not fair. Everything would have been different. Everything could have been perfect. I just want to know why. I just want to know what happened. We cared about you as a human, and it's not fair how relevant AnCo got without u. Who knows what could have happened if you were still in the band.

But maybe things happen for a reason. Thanks Deacon. Your music finally made me realize that 2k10 is going to be okay. I am allowed to move on, forget about the past. Things will be okay. A steady supply of blog mp3 content, news, and memes will come. It doesn't matter who the band is, and it doesn't matter what it sounds like. We're all just trying to get 'mad press' together, get some mp3s download, and move some units to the Cool Dad/Altstream demographic. Let's just live, love, blog, download, learn.

I went home, and searched youtube for clips of the show to try to find myself in the crowd. Couldn't find anything. It was just time to go to sleep, and dream of downloading a sweet ass bootleg in the morning. I logged into twitter, and simply wrote 'gnite...nuff said', because it truly was enough said for once in my life since my exGF gave my by bro a beejay but then I had a meaningful nite at a concert and felt okay with life again and wrote a short story about it.

Nvr Forget.
2k10: The Year of the Deakin?

Deakin vs Panda Bear showdown in 2k10?
Will Avey Tare/Geologist meltdown/'lose interest' in playing 'the internet relevancy game'?
Is AnCo still a bloggable topic?
Is it time 2 'let go' of AnCo, or should we 'remember them 4evr'?
Is Deacon solo this year's 'neon indian'/'atlas sound'/'discovery'?

RAVE OR DIE: 2K9 Edition

all photos by the cobrasnake


You might remember a 'classic' HRO post from 2k8 entitled 'Rave or Die.'
Carles wrote:

Does any one else feel like RAVES are ‘authentic music festivals’? I feel like ‘music festivals’ should really just become drug-fueled parties where people dress in zany costumes and entrylevel alts attempt to find meaning by listening to music/dancing/’trying drugs 4 the first tyme.’

In the 2k9 edition of RAVE OR DIE, Carles will attempt to reconnect with 'the essence of Rave.' Who are these ppl/teens/Mexicalts in Southern California who attend raves? What do they want out of life? What personal brand are these 'ravers' attempting to implement?

As yall know, a rave is a gathering where ppl do a lot of drugs and listen to 'the shittest' kinds of techno/electro music. The women also kinda 'dress slutty.'

It seems like ppl are trying to 'return to their childhoodz' by utilizing images+products from youth [via bracelets, necklaces, other trinkets, and even backpacks.]

'I want 2 b a kid again.'

'Wish I had a backpack full of ecstasy.'

Feeling sad that the 'altbro' aesthetic has finally made its way to rave culture. The spirit of the electro altbro is dead.

I think that it means some1 is 'mad fucked up' when their pupils are dilated.

It seems like 'lollipops' are also a good prop to chill with at raves. Not sure if I'd get caramel apple pop or blow pop. Not sure which 1 would 'taste better' while on E/acids.

The DJ played some 'sick shit.' His DJ name was 'DJ 420 Bob Dank Schwag Marley Bro.'

Got rlly 'fucked up' on E and gave DJ 420 a 'beej.' Regret it kinda.

But srsly... have u ever fucked while on ecstasy? (they say u can never have an orgasm without it 4 the rest of ur life)

Have u ever grubbed a funnel cake while on ecstasy?

I used the rave as an opportunity to connect with my nuclear family. My mom was the person who taught me how to use drugs, so even though she is 'disabled' I was able to bring her out and we 'dropped' 2gether. They say u don't have a relationship with ur parent until u've 'gotten fucked up' with him/her.

The Dorito Bro.

After pouring his beautiful heart/mind/soul into his last post, Carles was scared, afraid to blog again. Then the Dorito Bro was sent 2 him [via God] as a reason 2 blog again. This post is a celebration of the Dorito Alt.

Photo via lookbook


Planning a party, so many choices
Just want to facilitate a good time for all of my bros
offering the best drugs and alcoholic beverages
playing the best music
and having the most appropriate party snacks available.

I don't want people 'making a fucking mess' in my house
I don't want to spend too much money
I do want ppl 2 b able to 'grab n go'
I do want ppl 2 remember this partie 4ever.

It seems like there are so many choices in the chip aisle
No transfat, kettle chips, tortillian chips, chips made of the blue corn
Cheetos, Tostitos, Fritos, Doritos, Ruffles, Sour Cream N Onion, BBQ
Cheddar, Jallypenny, Cracked Pepper, Sea Salt, Vinegar
Brands presented 2 me by Frito Lay, Inc
and miscellaneous underground/indie chip brands
trying 2 'break thru' offering a healthy alternative to mnstrm chips
(much like the indie music scene)

I want 2 pick something healthy
but I want something tasty
maybe I'm messing up
and should be in the 'cracker' aisle
or perhaps buying some sort of 'spread'/'dipping concoction'
offered by the local Whole Foods

I trust Frito Lay because of the years, they have done so much
to innovate the chip industry

s0 many choices
s0 many brand loyal customers
s0 many manufacturing efficiencies
s0 many low prices

Seems like i might narrow down my choices
to Fritos, Doritos, Cheetos

Worried that ppl will think I'm 'boring' if I choose Fritos
Worried that ppl will get 'cheeto dust' fingers if I choose Cheetos
Doritos seem like a 'kewl' option.

I think it is alternative/authentic when your brand is customizable
or if the brand offers you multiple alternatives
so that u can choose which flavor truly represents u
From what I understand 'consumers are not searching for the perfect flavor, they are searching 4 as many options as possible.'

s0 many choices with the Dorito Brand

I really appreciate the core flavors

'Nacho Cheesier!' seems cheesier than just 'Nacho Cheese'

'Cooler Ranch!' is also extreme bc of the exclamation point in the name. It is as exciting as a band with punctuation in their band name.

Really could go for a full meal. Possibly a steak dinner.

Might 'cut back on the calories/fat' and eat chicken instead.

Pizza also sounds like a good option

If I lived in India, I would probably 'really dig' the Curry flavored Doritos

If I lived in ______, I would really enjoy the Rock & Cream Doritos.

'Damn.'

Not even sure who some of these are marketed 2. Seems like the Dorito CEO made a lot of these flavors 'just for shits.'

It's kinda kewl how their brand did 'mashups' kinda like Girl Talks.

I think this is another mashup for Aznz.

Think this flavour was meant 4 me since I am a 'late nite' bro who needs 'drunk food'

Might fly to Asia just to try this American flavor, or possibly just go 2 Taco Bell.

It is also xtreme 2 eat Doritos because they have 'drugs' in them.

Wonder if I can 'get fucked up' by eating a couple of bags of doritos.

Seems like this flavor is made out of horses.

I'm not sure what these doritos taste like. It seems like the are breaking free from the traditional triangle Dorito shape, providing a new dipping structure.

Doritos 3Ds also 'transcended' the traditional form+function of Doritos.

Eager to try 'human doritos.'

Hi. I'm the Dorito bro.

R u coming to my party?
"Friends, Food, Fun." -the description on the facebook event page
Description: "We're gonna eat a shit load of Doritos, drink Mountain Dew, and listen 2 bloghaus."

Sorta wish Doritos naturally existed in nature and we got to 'harvest' and 'export' them. Feel like it would save our economy.

What's ur fave kind of 'potato chip'?
What is the most authentic chip/party snack?
Do u have any party planning tips?
Are Doritos the most authentic alternative brand on the planet?
Is Doritos the new Chili's?

Hope and Homelessness--Never give up on Personal Branding.

Photo via thecobrasnake


I saw this picture portraying a homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk. Unfortunately, he had a pee pee accident as his dark yellow urine streamed down towards the star of a celebrity. I felt tons of emotions as my brain processed this digital image. Shame. Guilt. LOLability. Snarkfactor. Sadness. AmericanBeauty. Happiness. Loneliness. Fucksocietivity. Bloggy. Alive. Dead on the inside. Alone. Without a home. Metaphorical. This is the power of photography. A simple man who peed his pants in his sleep [via no home] can say so much about humanity, society, and the struggle 2 create a better life for urself.

The sad/beautiful image of the homeless man made me think of a recent post on the globally acclaimed streetfashion blog 'the Sartorialist' in which the photoblogger posted a picture of a coloured homeless man, then wrote an 'inspiring blurb'.

Photo and blurb by the Sartorialist:

I don't usually shoot homeless people. I don't find it romantic or appealing like a lot of street photographers, and if you asked homeless people they are probably not to happy about their situation either. That's why I was surprised to be so drawn to taking a picture of this gentleman.

I was being interviewed for an article in British Vogue; and while we walked down Bowery back in April I barely stopped walking when I took the shot. Fiona Golfar, the writer, asked why I took the photo. At that moment I couldn't really explain - but I just had a feeling about the power and grace of how he was sitting there. It wasn't until later that night when I was working on the image that I realized why I had noticed this man.

Usually people in this man's position have given up hope. Maybe this gentleman has too, I don't know, but he hasn't given up his sense of self or his sense of expressing something about himself to the world. In my quick shot I had noticed his pale blue boots, what I hadn't noticed at first were the matching blue socks, blue trimmed gloves, and blue framed glasses. This shot isn't about fashion - but about someone who, while down on his luck, hasn't lost his need to communicate and express himself through style.

Looking at him dressed like this makes me feel that in some way he hasn't given in or given up.

Damn. The bloggerbro's inspirational blurb is actually kinda true... It's like even though you might be the poorest, most worthless, homeless guy in the world, it doesn't mean that u can't have a little bit of pride 2 make sure that your clothes match. Never give up. Every day, u have the opportunity to brand yourself--you have the opportunity to let the world know that you are a person, and within this person is a brand which the whole world can consume.

Homelessness is not a disease--homelessness is the product of a group of people who have no pride. A group of people who don't play by society's rules. A group of people living in some demented reality, no longer in touch with the availability of legitimate intrinsic rewards through the power of 'creating.your.own.image.' We must inspire the homeless so that they can inspire us to do more than to take artsy pix of them. It is easy for photographers to take pictures of homeless people because they usually look 'insane', 'urban', and as if society has shat upon them.

A lot of people say that homeless people should 'get a fucking job'--now I firmly believe that they would get a job if they dressed nicely, and treated people with respect. It seems like they could some how get a job at an investment bank, or perhaps a McDonalds, similar to the plotline of the popular Will Smith joint 'The Pursuit of Happyness.'

After reading that inspired blurb, it sort of makes me want to tell this guy to 'get his shit together', and 'have a little bit of pride.' U can't go around pissing on urself and wearing lame ass clothes if you really want to turn ur life around.

It doesn't matter if you can't control your bladder, or if you are mentally challenged, or if you are having 'terrible flashback dreams.' Every day, you need to take pride in yourself. You need to realize that your personal brand is being interpreted by every1 who sees you. Do you want to depress your viewers? Or do you want to inspire them? Be a valuable person--not just to yourself, but also to society as a whole.

This is a blog post about hope.

Will AltBro Karaoke save the music industry?

I just watched this sweet new song by the buzz band 3BRO!3, and it made me feel something that I haven't felt in a long time--it made me feel alive... like some1 truly understands me.

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It was as if some1 captured all of my social insecurities and sexual angst, and put them all in a song in a very digestible format [via the power of music]. I felt like there were other people on this planet who looked like me (I look like a bro who didn't go to college, but moved into an apartment complex and threw some sick parties any ways.) It gave me a little hope that maybe 1 day, me and my best bro can move to California, transition into AltBro (California Style) make some cute lil songs, and then appeal to an emerging market of 'lost tweens.'

Really want 2 'move 2 cali' and convert to a 'california style bro.' It seems like they can just 'be stupid consumers' without having to worry abt 'seeming like the are intellectuals.' Sorta wish I could still dress/look like the 3Oh!3 bros. Wish that Tony Hawk was listed as one of my role models on facebooks.

Sorta wonder what is the 'connection' between mainstream and alt that seems to be s00 marketable these days. Maybe alternative ppl just are more in touch with their insecurities.

I feel confused by 3Bro!3. I am not sure if they are supposed to appeal to teen girls, tweens, altbros, or the homosexuals.

Seems like if I lived in Cali, life would be simple. Like I wouldn't have to worry about being 'alt', and I would just think I am 'normal' but I would actually just be a consumerAlt who shops at Hot Topic, Am Appy, and Urby Outfitties without really even 'thinking about it.' Feel sad that I'm not a CaliAlt.

Has n e 1 been to California? Is it true what they say abt it?
Do u 'get' 3bro!3? Do u think they will make Pitchfork's best mp3s of the decade list?

Will alternative people stop ‘driving hybrids’/'riding bikes’ and start ‘horseback riding’?


As yall know, tons of alternative people have recently purchased hybrids and started 2 ride bikes in an effort to 'go green.' It seems like they don't realize that they are still 'fucking corporate sellouts' because they are still supporting multibillion dollar companies. I feel like there will be a new wave of activism called 'The Green Animal Rights Movement' that will mix 'going green' with fairly utilizing animals as a method of transportation.

It seems like owning a horse might declare 2 the world that u r an individual who 'truly understands' that the world is an ecosystem, and we need to start relying more on other humans and animals. I feel like a lot of indie aesthetics sort of allude towards 'going back 2 the wilderness.' Seems like horses might be the way to get there. Most people think that they should be 'worshiped' for 'going green' but they don't realize that they are just 'adapting 2 the evils of modern society.' Truly alternative people will find a way to break free from society.

Feel sad that most of my bros just bought their first Priuses with their first job's salary. As if they are 'saving the world' but also trying to cryptically 'look rich.' Kinda weird when people who 'used to buy BMWs' start 2 buy hybrids 2 seem like they 'care about the environment.

I feel like a middle aged man driving a Prius is the tween equivalent of an entry level alt wearing an Am Appy headband.

Sorta just want to get a 'keut alt GF' and ride in2 the sunset. Maybe we won't move 2 Paris, but maybe we can move to a rural area in America and buy a lil farm or something? Maybe life is just abt lowered expectations.

Not sure what sort of facilities you need to own a horse, or if there are any 'traffic laws' for horseback riding within the city. I feel like riding a horse might be more authentic than 'riding the subway' since so many people on the subway don't even realize the beauty of public transportation--sometimes it degenerates into a celebration of 'being stuck in ur life.'

Still kinda sad that Barbaro was executed. Miss him like I miss Heath.

Do yall know of any good animals 2 ride?
How do u transcend society on a daily basis?
Do u shop at Whole Foods?

Hello. I am a guy sitting at a table. I represent a brand. I want to sell you something that you are not interested in buying.

Photo by the cobrasnake


I saw you walk by me. You pretended not to see me so that you didn't have to talk to me. I understand. I hate having to deal with you, as well. Sometimes I half-heartedly make a pitch, attempting to sell you phone service/Direct TV/TimeWarnerCable/any other sort of service that you are not interested in. It fails 99% of the time. People run away from me. I am trying to sell you something. This is my job.

You are not interested in listening to me. I am just a bro, sitting at a table, wearing a polo shirt that is branded with my company. My job does not pay well. I am paid [via commission]. I have made 2 sales in 6 months.

Do u want to sign up? It's really a great service. I could tell you all about it. Are you interested in listening to me? You are not interested in me, nor are you interested in the product I represent. You are already satisfied with your service.

Maybe if I look 'pathetic' enough, you will sign up, after feeling bad for me. I am not sure if members of the opposite sex find me to 'not be very attractive' since I look like a 'tool.' Just want you to feel guilty. You did not come to this location to sign up for my company's service--you came for an entirely different reason. There is no way you will purchase this service from me.

I am a bro. I lurk around a table for my company, trying to increase sales + brand awareness. My regional manager sends me to the worst locations. She is always pressuring me to 'talk to more people.' She doesn't understand. I will never make a sale at the places she sends me to. I am embarrassed. I hope that no1 I know sees me. Wearing this stupid polo shirt. I will pretend to 'text' the entire time I am here. I will look disinterested and unapproachable. Some1 will come up to me who already has our cable service, and ask us why their ESPN channel is 'blurry.' I will tell them to contact technical support. This is my only contribution to the company today.

I am an adult. It seems like I always thought I would have a better job than this when I grew up. I will convince myself that I am 'starting at ground 0', and 'moving up the corporate ladder.'

I am a bro.
Sitting at a table
making a difference
Representing a brand.

Do u want 2 sign up for Comcast/Time Warner/tMobile/Sprint/a credit card with a 'generous' 'rewards program'?

I am sitting at a table.
This is my job.
I am going to send another text message.

This is me 2 hours later.

In 2 minutes I will close. I am about to close up for the day and go home. I will stop at Quizno's and get a sandwich.

This is me tomorrow. I am sitting at a table. I carry around the branded table cloth in my car.

I am employed. This bro is me. Do you want to sign up? You will receive a seat cushion if you sign up.

How about if I just give you this informational handout and my business card, and you can call me if you're interested.

Do you want to sign up?

Please do me a favor and just don't make eye contact if you're not interested in signing up.


I am a vessel of brand awareness. My personal brand has been outsourced.

I am a designer. I am Carles.

I am a designer.

I am Carles.

I am a designer.

I am Carles.

I am Carles.

I am a designer.

I am Carles.

We are designers on Mac Apple computers.

I am Carles.

I am a designer.

I am Carles.

I am a designer.

I am Carles.

I am a designer.

I am Carles.

I am a designer. I am Carles.
U r both. We are designer Carleses.

http://www.iamcarles.com

This post was indirectly 'sponsored by iamcarles.com.

Carles Presents 'IAmCarles.com'


I have always wanted to be a designer. I believe that we can meaningfully impact the world by the not only the things that we own, but also the clothes that we wear. We live in a beautiful society which encourages tiered self-expression depending on your income. You can truly show the world who you are, and where you 'fit in' with society.

Carles Presents I Am Carles dot-com
http://www.iamcarles.com

I am Carles is a lifestyle brand, created by Carles.

The brand is meant to be 'high level' but also 'relatable.' Similar to Chili's. You feel comfortable when you eat there, but you are also having a unique experience.

Do u feel alone? The IAMCARLES.com brand is attempting to be similar to the HIPSTERRUNOFF.com brand. It wants u 2 feel like it 'gets' u. Carles wants to relate to you.


Bro
alone on the internet
downloading illegal mp3s
Pulls out credit card
purchases t-shirts of bands and brands
because buying things off the internet
seems 'more authentic' than the limited selection of
local shops in his suburban area.

//////This post is 'sponsored' by iamcarles.com

'I will take a picture of u and remember it 4 ever
the way u looked that day
young 4evr and ever' -something a fashion line would say, I think.

It feels good to finally put my design school degree 2 use.
I never thought I could create something.
Bringing a product to market requires tons of teamwork and dedication.
Lots of emails, lots of decisions.
Just doing your best to 'preserve/strengthen ur brand' without 'losing authenticity.'
It means not isolating ppl.

Please see our limited time offer which includes a shirt hand delivered by Carles

I wonder if this tshirt will cut into the 'band tee shirt' demographic.

'For a limited time, I will offer you free shipping'
- a company that doesn't understand that consumers know that they are 'paying for shipping' somehow.

Carles will be adding new authentic products soon. Please let Carles know what products you need.

R U CARLES? //// I AM CARLES?























This post was sponsored by IAMCARLES.com. For more information, visit http://www.iamcarles.com

Please email carleser [at] gmail.com if you would like to interview Carles about his design process + brand goals.

Is a woman's place always going to be 'in the kitchen'?

Photo via lookbook


Sometimes I wonder about the role of the female within alternative society. Are women 'more respected' by alternative men, or are they still 'sex objects who are meant to do chores'? From what I understand, non-self aware females 'just want to get married and birth kids', even if it means that their husband is aloof and distant (as long as he makes at least $100K per year). Sometimes I feel confused by the motives of alternative girls, bc it seems like even they 'don't know what they want.' Somtimes I wonder if females can be 'authentic alts' if they are using 'altdom' as a rebellion against their parents.

I feel like mainstream women raising families, who are 'trapped' in their situations might be stronger women than 'lil alternative bitches' because they know how to put other ppl first. I am not sure what alternative women want to be when they grow up. Possibly something in 'corporate retail', or possibly 'public relations', or if they are lucky, 'something artistic.' I am not sure how much altGirls really want to independently 'make it', or if they would be happy 'marrying some rich bro at age 26 just in case their life doesn't pan out.'

Not sure if AltWomen would know how 2 do 'mainstream chores' like washing dishes, clothes, dusting, swiffering, cleaning toilets, driving vans, going to the store, planting flowers in the front lawn, living in suburbia, carrying a child, or other mainstream female duties.

Feel like I have always semi-ironically done 'chores' and stuff, and sometimes used them as an excuse to bond with people from my local scene. Like when me and all my 'flatmates' would 'get buzzed and do laundry.'

Photo via Pregnant Goldfish


I feel like there is more pressure on women to 'conform' to society's expectations of 'being clean', 'being happy', and 'staying tidy.' Seems like it is more socially acceptable for a bro to end up being 'really tragic' bc he is a 45 year old man who is 'still trying to be alt.' Not sure if altWomen's flaws within alternative society make them 'more functional within society' than altMen, but I think they might be a good thing for physical mental health.

Would yall rather be a boy or a girl?
Do yall want a family with a happy home?
What are ur expectations of women?
Do yall honestly believe that women are capable of the same things that men are?
Is society 'bullshit'?

Which Outdated Alternative Brand would make u more socially successful in high school?

It feels comfortable to 'grow older' because you can look back on previous trends, brands, and miscellaneous stuff that u once found 'meaningful', and u can say 'fuck that shit.' It's kinda weird to grow up, and see teens + tweens who are still utilizing the same branding techniques of 5-10 years ago now that retail outlets like hot topic exist. Even if some of the clothes + accessories change, there are still core components of the tween branding decision making process which will never change.

Did yall have an authentic brand during High School, or were u just trying to 'find urself' utilizing the resources at your local mall? Do u think it is 'bad parenting' if ur parents let you 'express yourself' before the age of 18?

If u could only choose 1 brand to utilize during ur high school years, which 1 would it be?

Brand #1: The Zany Bro who wears bright stuff & tshirts that reference nostalgic tv shows/brands

Photos by Every1isFamous

or

Brand #2: The alone bro, thinking about important life issues.

I feel like both of these brands were strategies that non-alphabros would use to 'get attention' from females. It was often difficult for ZanyBro to make a girl find him to be 'date-able.' He was more of a 'jester'/'joker', and wasn't meant to be taken seriously. By cultivating attention for himself by replicating the stereotypes associated with 'bein all zany', he made it impossible to create meaningful relationships with people. ZanyBro is sometimes fun 2 b around, but might not have the ability to 'shut off zany mode', making it hard for him to find consistent bros. A life without consistent bros seems like a 'desolate prison.'

The LonerDeepBro was able to forge connections with ppl, but you were often let down by how 'simple' the lonerbro was. Girls would think that the has an understanding of beauty which no1 else could recognize, but then you talked to him, and he was just 'a bro who had a really weird perspective of himself + the world.' I think it might be more difficult to be an authentic 'loneBro' because of online social networks, but most lonebros will have a 'minimal profile' that just has some dumb quote on it, or maybe that his fave author is Edgar Allen Poe.

Both of these brands are searching 4 meaning, and are only temporary personal brands on the personal branding timeline of your life. However, it is important to understand that if you are a zanyBro, part of you will always be a zany bro, because people will remember 'the real you', even when you grow up and your brand matures. Not sure which 1 I would pick if I had to live my life all over again.

Which 1 would yall choose?
What is a good alternative brand to have during high school?
Some1 who is into 'punk music' like Green Day?
R u ashamed of the person u used 2 b?
Are u 'relieved' that u didn't go to high school during the Napoleon Dynamite era?
Is Am Appy going to become a 'parody brand' when the tweens of this generation grow up, sorta like Old Navy?
What were u like in hi school and how did u change when u went away 2 (community) college?

My job as a Chili’s hostess.

Photo via lastnitespartie


As yall know, I recently graduated from a state university with a degree in communications and a Public Relations minor. I applied to several large firms within my industry, but they told me I needed more work experience, and tons of human-2-human interaction. I applied for a position in the Marketing + Branding department of Chili's, but they told me I needed to start 'from the ground up' within their corporate hierarchy.

I became a hostess at an upscale Chili's brand which they are beta testing in several U.S. markets. I work at one in Phoenix (Scottsdale), Arizona. Being a hostess here is amazing...even the uniform is a little bit stylish. I have met tons of amazing people. This Chili's is great because we don't serve food to the poors. We are looking to be a place where business men can wine and dine their mistresses, and seem 'rich' while still eating variations of our original Chili's menu.

I've made some of my best friends at my job, so we're able to pre-party while we work, then go out and get mad crunk afterwards. Sometimes it sucks when men tell us that we smell like hamburger meat and fried foods, but I think after a while, they start 2 like it. Our bartender is sooo sweet, and always makes us the best fruity drink remixes.

Our signature dish


Ultimately, my job as a Chili's hostess has been a positive experience, and I believe that I am using my degree to its full potential. I am really becoming an ambassador of the Chili's brand. I love the girls at my job, and one of the most positive parts of our job is that we have an iMac computer to share at the hostess station. We get to huddle around, and look at facebook/myspace messages, and comment on which men look 'hot' and which men are 'ugly.' I couldn't ask for a better group of girls--not catty like other bitches.

I am looking forward to my career. I don't wanna make a ton of money--I just want to be happy, and that just means socializing with people who look like me, getting buzzed, hooking up, and talking about life/drama. Sorta like The Hills, except in real life, u can't get glamorous jobs like those girls. Just have to do the best with what you've got, party, and travel to party spots around the world (Mexico) for ur vacay.

Previous Misogynistic Coverage
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2009/01/i-am-planning-a-girls-night-out-with-a-group-of-my-closest-girl-friends.html

Understanding the significance of ur semi-ironic athletic jersey

Photo via Chicago Looks


I saw this bro attending a relevant music festival, wearing an NBA basketball player's jersey. Most mainstream bros who wear jerseys are attempting to say 'I am a bro. I like this sport. This player is good.' However, when an alternative person wears a sports jersey, I think that they are just using it to 'stand out' by saying 'Hey yall... not wearing Am Appy... wearing this jersey I know nothing about.'

I think that it is irresponsible to wear the jersey of an athlete who you know nothing about. Much like any celebrity, there is a point where an athlete no longer 'stands for himself' and solely represents an image/brand based on the trajectory of their career. It is easy to wear a Michael Jordan jersey because he represents 'greatness', or a Shaq jersey, because he represents 'twitter', but I am unsure about wearing a Grant Hill jersey, like the bro in the above picture.

In order to understand the bro in the picture, you must understand the career path of Grant Hill, #33 on from the Detroit Pistons.

Grant Hill was an 'All American' athlete who played at Duke. I think that black people who go to Duke are not regarded as 'black people', but more of 'black people that white people can identify with.' I think at this point in his career, he was talented both athletically and mentally.

Grant Hill was drafted by the Pistons, and was a solid professional and a very marketable player.

So marketable that the Pistons even 'changed their uniform design' to reBrand around the Grant Hill era.

Sprite also built 'huge marketing campaigns' around him

He started to experience 'serious ankle problems', but still signed to a 'huge contract' with the Orlando Magic, since Shaquille O'Neal 'fucked them over since he wanted to be a rapper in LA.' Grant Hill was expected to be 'amazing' with fellow NBA player Tracy McGrady; however, both of them just turned out to be injured bros making $100 million.

So Grant Hill never really 'lived up to his potential' because of injuries. He got paid a ton of money, and 'never really panned out.' Eventually he got older+healthier, and signed to the Phoenix Suns. This was a part of his career where he felt like he 'missed out on what made life meaningful', and instead of 'trying to be a superstar, he is just trying to be a 'mediocre role player.'

Grant Hill represents failed expectations, much like the bro in the top picture. Perhaps his parents wanted him to 'be something more', but a series of external factors that he could not control led him to have to 'settle/accept the fact that he is just an average bro.' Once he admitted that he was an average bro, he was able to 'find happiness' and not

Feel like we could all learn a lot from Grant Hill. Maybe life is just about 'settling for less', 'not living up 2 ur potential', and 'accepting who u r.' Sorta wish more athletes represented something like that so that innercity kids could learn more abt 'real life.'

Might just buy this Jersey, since it represents being 'an authentic hip hop mogul.' Think this is what many NBA players are attempting 2 b.

Always do ur research, and learn about what a brand means. It would be like wearing a t-shirt that says 'I <3 cock' even if ur not ghey. Yall know what I mean?

A Revolutionary Personal Brand.

Photo by the cobrasnake


According to the Wikipedia Encyclopedia, Che Guevara was born in 1928. I feel bad for him, because there is no way that he could have effectively monetized his Communist Revolutionary brand correctly (facial image + kute lil miltary bro hat). I feel like there should be some sort of 'licensing privileges' for his family, because ppl freely use his image just to 'seem kewl' when they go out 2 party. I know that Ralph Lauren gets paid when any1 wears 'a lil polo bro', but I am not sure if Che gets money when u wear one of his shirts. I am not sure what Che Guevara stands for--I think he was a commy/'red.' Not sure if communism would save us right now even though we are in an economic crisis. It might be sweet because I recently went to a sweet art show in a public space held by 'communist vegans.'

Feel bad for Obama. Not sure if his 'image' belongs to any one. When the HOPE meme was first made, I thought it was 'just an internet meme', but I can imagine African Americans wearing that shirt in 10-1000 years as some sort of metaphorical figure who was 'kewler than MLK.' Sorta like 'the Michael Jackson of politics.'

I am not sure how to feel about memes, and images of people who apparently 'stand for more than just themselves.' Feel like they need to be able to protect themselves.'

Hope that the now deceased singer 'Michael Jackson' was compensated appropriately when Crystal Castles used an image of her for their tshirt.

I am worried that when Che Guevara dies, no one who represents his estate will be able to capitalize off his image if places like Hot Topic start to sell pix of him on tshirts.

Just want every1 to get paid for the art that they make. Want people with extraordinary personal brands to be compensated appropriately when people piggyback on their personal brands to seem 'way more authentic.'

Will a Helvetty tatty improve my personal brand?


As yall know, I am a graphic designer for a cutting edge advertising and mixed media firm in the greater Tri-State area. I am interested in letting the world know what I'm all about, not only as a human, but also as a designer. It's important to let people know what font I will use if I have to design a logo for them. Just want people to know that I will make 'a perfect choice' by choosing 'the perfect font.' Might be a good idea to choose an ARIAL tattoo so that it is compatible on windows PCs.

Do yall have a fave font that u would want to chill on ur body for the rest of ur life?

Wonder if I should write the actual font name, or possibly something else sweet, like a Dave Matthews Band lyric.

Feel 'tired' of blogging about 'body art.' However, I think that tattoos are becoming a 'normal part' of our modern culture, and more mainstreamers than ever are getting 'shitty tatties.' Sorta wish I could be a mnstrmr, so I would just have to get like a 'barb wire tat' or a 'butterfly tatty' or something. Feel pressured to get a conceptually well-executed tattoo.

Just trying 2 be an individual. Might just let the world know that I 'h8' America.

Tattoo on Tao Lin's body

Do yall know of any sweet tatties that are more than just 'a doodle on a body'?

Can’t believe the ‘flamer’ from Am Idol ‘came out.’

Photo by the cobrasnake


Yall probably remember my American Idol liveblog, where I watched AmIddy for the first time. There was a character on the show named Adam Lambert who 'seemed kinda ghey' but no1 was really sure. There were moments during the season where he did 'really gay stuff' but no1 was allowed to say he was gay or else he wouldn't get a record contract and Middle Americans/Christians are the only ppl who 'buy CDs'/'songs off iTunes' today. Not sure if Adam Lambert is 'a huge coward' for not 'coming out.' Maybe he didn't see the movie MILK so he doesn't understand what homosexuals have gone through. I feel like young people take 'the gift of homosexuality' for granted, and don't realize that we basically live in utopia.

Anyways, he 'apparently came out' and is now 'officially ghey.' Not sure if the bro in the picture is his 'lover' or if it is just a big fan of Am Idol. Can't believe his BF is 'an altbro.'


Do yall think that mainstream celebs should be forced to tell the world their sexualities? Or only the ghey ones? I wish that there was some sort of celebrity trading card where u could get the stats on a famous person. Or maybe homosexuals could wear some sort of 'scarlet letter' like eye liner, or bootcut jeans, or some other trend that u see in ur local homosexual circuit. Feel like they 'wouldn't mind.'

I am not sure if 'being ghey' is something that ur born with, or if it is a choice u make, or if it is 'bad parenting.' Probably 'a lil bit of everything.' I have heard that there is a problem in high schools where teenagers are 'being gay' just to rebel against their parents. Even though the kidz aren't 'actually gay' they see 'being a homosexual' as 'being an individual.' Tweens apparently see 'being gay' as some sort of decision that means ur 'more committed to ur individuality' than 'just wearing a Fall Out Boy t-shirt.' Feel weird that tweens who are 'not actually ghey' might be performing some 'very intense sexual acts.' Worried.

Wish either 'every1 was ghey' or 'every1 was straight' and we didn't have to deal with these issues. It makes more sense for ppl to all be 'straight' so that the 'human race' can 'live on.' Might start experimenting though.


Do yall know any1 who is a homosexual? What are they like? Are they 'just like us' or do you have to 'treat them differently'? Share your stories in the comments.

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