Zooey Deschanel leaves her house to accept award for Best Jammie-Wearing Tomato Soup Hermit Dancer | Hipster Runoff

Zooey Deschanel leaves her house to accept award for Best Jammie-Wearing Tomato Soup Hermit Dancer


First of all, I'd like to thank Hector, the chef at the takeout soup kitchen from which I order tomato soup the most. Your extended hours and quick delivery keep me coming back, plus the fresh basil that truly elevates your tomato soup.

You don't know how much this award means to me. As you all know, I've spent so much time in recent months staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. Winning this lifetime achievement award in the field of staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing proves that I have been on an incredibly meaningful journey for truth. There have been so many doubters, haters, and cynics who questioned my decision to always stay in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing around my apartment. But look at me now.

I'm on top of the world.

The truth is, if one girl decides to stay in, wear comfy jammies, order tomato soup, and dance, I've made a difference in this world. I believe that society can be a better place if people change their lives, spread the word, and commit to staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. Let it be known from this point forward: there is nothing wrong with staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing.

I'd like to thank my mother for opening a can of Campbell's Tomato Soup for me when I was 6 years old.
I'd like to thank cotton for being the fabric of our lives'.
I'd like to thank oldies music for inspiring me every day.
I'd like to thank my exhusband Ben Gibbard, who is still codependent, and said he would kill himself if I did not thank him.

It was honestly a huge chore to leave my house, where I would rather be staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. But at the same time, I knew that I had to accept this award on behalf of staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. I believe that I have accomplished something special. I believe that Tomato Soup Hermits are the future of the world.

I must thank my doctor, who told me that I was okay when my pee turned red/pink, and encouraged me to eat more saltines. For a moment, I thought I would no longer be able to only eat tomato soup, but he told encouraged me to take a Women's One-A-Day Multivitamin to ensure I was nutritionally balanced.

This award goes out to every one who is staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing, but for one night, she wasn't staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing.

I'd like to thank my managers, my family, and my new boyfriend who support me, since I am still dedicated to the cause of staying in, wearing comfy jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing. There is a wild world out there where you just stay in, wear comfy jammies, order tomato soup, and dance by yourself. It's what you make it.

Soon, I will launch a charity that helps starving Africans stay in, wear comfy jammies, order tomato soup, and encourages dancing. I believe that this message is a strong, beautiful one that can unite communities.

Good nite, and God Bless. I'm going home, yall.

PREVIOUSLY
I am addicted to staying in, wearing jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing.

Zooey Deschanel

Alternative Celebrity, Actor

Zooey Deschanel is an actress turned indie songstress in the mediocre buzzband She & Him.

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