“EXCLUSIVE EXCERPT PREMIERE”: Tao Lin’s new hit book “Richard Yates” | Hipster Runoff

“EXCLUSIVE EXCERPT PREMIERE”: Tao Lin’s new hit book “Richard Yates”

Tao Lin is an author and alt famous human internet being. His new book Richard Yates "drops" in stores 2day. This book might "make or break" his career.

Not sure what Richard Yates is about, but seems to involve tween actors getting their gChat on.



“Kailey just called and asked me to hang out with her,” said Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat. “I said I can’t leave my house because I don’t want to put on pants anymore and she got angry and went away.”

“Good,” said Haley Joel Osment. “When are you coming.”

“I don’t know. It might not be until July when I can come.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “July is in like 4 days.”

“No, I mean like around my birthday because then I can convince her to let me go for my birthday. I really want to see you in New York. I should try to come this week. I can’t lie anymore. I have to try to convince my mom.”

“Ask her. Tell her she puts stress on herself by trying to control you instead of giving you freedom which is what America is about, freedom.”

“I laughed and drooled a little,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Tell her American and Canadian soldiers are fighting for your freedom and she is taking that God-given right away from you. Does she believe in God?” A few weeks ago Haley Joel Osment searched Dakota Fanning’s mother’s name on the internet and found a comment she had made on a message board thanking American and Canadian troops for fighting terrorism. He had showed Dakota Fanning who had said “What is this shit, I didn’t know about this.”

“Yes, she does,” said Dakota Fanning. “I want to go to New York Friday. Do you think Ana would do anything Friday? It will be easier to convince her if I say we’re meeting Ana.”

“Yes,” said Haley Joel Osment. “She will.”

“She seemed okay with Ana,” said Dakota Fanning. “I keep staring at Richard Yates’ face on the back of The Easter Parade but not having any reaction to it. Just looking.” Haley Joel Osment said “Party girl” which was a term they had for people who did not speak in a quiet monotone and were not severely detached. Inanimate objects and situations and animals and boys could also be party girls. Dakota Fanning said if they wrote a book about a party girl called Party Girl they would be rich. “I just searched it on Amazon and there’s like 4 books and 3 movies called Party Girl,” she said. “Party Babe would make us the most rich probably.”

Haley Joel Osment said “Slut Babe.”

“Slut Party,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Slut Party is good,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Just bring a tape recorder and hang out with anyone then transcribe.”

“When I come to New York we should just go to bars and record drunken sluts,” said Dakota Fanning.

“A fly keeps flying by me, I feel dirty,” said Haley Joel Osment. “It just landed on my crotch and walked around.”

“It wants to have sex with you,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Your mom ate crab fried with cheese. She is fucked.”

“I know,” said Dakota Fanning. “She is very fucked.”

Haley Joel Osment typed “freedom” in all capital letters with nineteen exclamation marks after it. “Scream that at your mom sometimes,” he said. “Am I coming Thursday?”

“I don’t know, are you? Maybe I can convince her to let you come Thursday then stay the night and go back with me on the train Friday so I’m not riding there alone.” Dakota Fanning said the neighbor’s child was crying. “It begs for ice cream every day and then its parents beat it on the porch and then it rides a bike around and screams and cries. It’s happened 4 times.” Haley Joel Osment said that reminded him of Lemming. He said he wanted to watch movies with Dakota Fanning. “I just want to walk around with you at night and sometimes ass and crotch rape you,” he said.

“Okay. We can do that.”

“When,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“I don’t know. Soon. I will talk to fried Nicholas Sparks cheese beast.”

“That is good,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Cheese beast.”

“I kept looking at ‘cheese beast’ and ignoring the rest.”

“Me too,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Let’s refer to her as cheese beast now,” said Dakota Fanning. “Like tape man or headbutt girl.”

“Sometimes we can call other people cheese beast too,” said Haley Joel Osment.

Dakota Fanning said the name of a person and said the person was a cheese beast.

“Cheese beast is good,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Cheese beasts like anything in nugget form. Nuggets is a scary word. My brother has a bottle of ear piercing cleaner in his bathroom. I’m confused.”

“He pierced his groin,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Probably,” said Dakota Fanning.

They drew cheese beasts using Microsoft Paint and sent them to each other. “They are both just blobs without limbs,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m laughing. Cheese beast. Fuck my mom’s home.” She went offline. “My mom is home early because she’s afraid of a flood warning in the area,” she said a few minutes later.

“Tell her I majored in flood management at NYU and can protect her Thursday.”

“She just went to look at the river,” said Dakota Fanning. “She took Aladdin and a big flashlight with her. A very big railroad flashlight. I went down to the basement and saw my cat sleeping in a box on the washing machine. She’s always in the basement.”

“Your cat is good,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“It’s a small Gatorade tray. It looks silly. I laughed at her. She stared at me and then licked herself. I hope it floods. I’m bored here. Last time it flooded we parked on the side of the highway and stared for like two hours. It was good.”

Does this book seem like it is 'the next great American novel'?

Buy Richard Yates

Official Website + More 'Press'

Do yall buy in2 Tao Lin as an author/human?
Will this book 'perform' better than "Shoplifting from American Apparel"? [link]
Does this book seem 'brilliant' or like 'pure garbage'?
Will Haley Joel Osment make love 2 Dakota Fanning?
Does n e 1 know who Richard Yates is?
Who is ur favourite living modern author?
Are 'books' still relevant, or do u prefer blogs?
What do u think will happen 2 Tao Lin's career?

Will Tao Lin die alone?