THE ALT REPORT

Lucas Vercetti spotted making out with his famous GF, is a PIMP Tue, 2012-05-15 14:57 | by Carles

Whaddup guys?

Things are going SUPER WELL in my life. So first of all, I'm a frigging TV star. I got my own show on Adult Swim called Loiter Squad. Sure, it was embarrassing to have to put a food in my mouth, but look at what's in my mouth right now... the product of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. As Matt Damon said in Good Will Swagging, "How do u like dem apples? SWAG!"

U see us filling up with gas... but that's not the ONLY THING that's being filled up... if u know what I mean... LUUUUCAAASSSSSSSSSS IN DA HOOUSE! Vercetti!

Things are going super well with Tallulah. I feel like she knows I am the most famous member of Odd Future, especially cuz I was able to snag her, some premium tabloid Hollywood a$$. Don't get me wrong, I treat her like a queen. Part of me feels paranoid that she only dates me to replace the youthful zaniness of Ashton Kutcher in her life. At the end of the day, it's pretty swag to get to hang out with the stars of Die Hard With a Vengeance AND Striptease whenever we eat dinner.

The Odd Future store is doing GREAT. I'm managing the shit out of it! We just got in these swag new tees! They have the Odd Future logo in this REALLY sick font that references something else from popular culture. You'd have to see it to understand. It's a bitch folding every one of them, especially now that I am famous. All of these tweens want to take pictures with me, and I'm all like 'UGH I HAVE A JOB TO DO' and they are like 'TAKE A PIC' then my gf walks in and she is like 'Why are you hitting on fans?" and I'm like "IM NOT IM JUST TRYING TO FOLD TEES AND PEOPLE WANT TO TAKE PIX WITH ME BECAUSE IM FAMOUS" and she's like "I'm the only famous 1 in this relationship" then I tell her "sorry" and we go out to eat some SWAG burritos at our favorite place.

HAve u ever had 'carnitas'? I think it Spanish for 'HELLA SWAG MEAT'.

Anyways, I gotta go help upgrade our inventory management software. I'll see you guys on the flipside.

VERCETTI OUT!

-Lucas

What it's like to be the white guy in Odd Future: The Lucas Vercetti Story

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Beach House receives potentially OVERRATED 9.1 from Pitchfork. Is the buzz drought over? Mon, 2012-05-14 12:24 | by Carles

http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/16604-beach-house-bloom/

Beach House's 'In Bloom' is out, even though I think it leaked like half a year ago [in the standard increment of 'blog years' time], so no1 is even excited for it. Every1 was all like 'this is totally gonna save 2k12.' However, we haven't seen very many memes from them (tv performances, music videos, Vicki LeGrant magazine spreads), so I am not really sure what they are waiting for. They are probably paranoid about seeming like they are 'trying too hard' to be relevant and authentic.

Anyways, p4k gave the album a 9.1 and BEST NEW MUSIC status. After listening to several low quality streams many months ago, it was clear that Beach House didn't 'recapture the magic' of Teen Dream. Instead, they just have a generic sound, and apply the 'formula' as if they are Coldplay. Sure, you can get caught up in the vibe, and mystique of Vicki LeGrand on the regs, but then it's all just Beach House. That's chill. Just writing those 'pretty', cryptic songs with vague enough lyrics for indiestreamers to project more meaning into them than actually exists.

Who even cares what the review actually says because it is probably one of those ones that uses the word 'ethereal', automatically discrediting the entire 'piece.'

This 9.1 is SHOCKING, especially now that most fringe buzzbands that used to get 8.3-8.6 now are ending up in the 6-7 range. There is clear indie favoritism and alternative tenure being factored into this score.

Experts are forecasting a ~9.5 for Vampire Weekend, who are rumored [Editor's Update: CONFIRMED] to play Pitchfork Music Festival this summer.

Did Beach House earn this score based on 'previous accomplishments'/branding?
Were u in2 this album?
Did Vicki LeGrand's curls earn a 9.1?

Is Beach House so historically 'underrated' that they have officially become 'overrated'?
Are Beach House 'indie legends', or is it the typical 'hot BB fronting a band' buzz, except over several album cycles?
Does this REALLY feel like the best album of 2k12, or is it missing something?