How SOPA will kill blogs, internet humor, the indie scene, and ur personal email account. | Hipster Runoff

How SOPA will kill blogs, internet humor, the indie scene, and ur personal email account.


I have heard rumblings that there is a MASSIVE LAW that is being talked about in some sort of branch of the government that is trying to make websites and blogs and the majority of the content on the internet COMPLETELY ILLEGAL. I was reading up about SOPA, trying to exactly who it would impact. Here are the hard facts on SOPA, how it works, and how your life will be forever changed in the SOPA world.

ALL MUSIC BLOGS WOULD BE BREAKING THE LAW
Did u know that 100% of music blogs are 'hella illegal'? They are just as illegal as they were when they were 'innovative', but now every1 just got used to it. This would mean the bloggers behind your favorite blogs would go to jail. Many would be placed in isolation chambers, and they would not have internet access. This means Pitchfork writers, ad salesmen, dudes who start Tumblrs, and any one who has ever downloaded an illegal leak. Some critics say that this would actually be a good thing for the blog-centric indie world because it would force the creation of music in 'real scenes' instead of losers on the internet getting famous then tanking when they perform live.

ALL INDIE BUZZBANDS WOULD BE BREAKING THE LAW
Believe it or not, any band trying to get buzz could be sentenced to at least 3 months in prison. Any band planning on releasing an album in 2k12 better 're-think' their strategies. It seems like we will move back to a taped-bootlegging era. Instead of doing a formal release that is uploaded to the internet to be sold, bands will have to sell CDs and minidiscs at live shows. Any band caught releasing an MP3 file, or if their fans make MP3s, the entire band will be executed live on FOX TV. The first round of executions will debut after the Super Bowl.

YOU WILL LOSE YOUR PERSONAL EMAIL ACCOUNT AND YOUR TWITTER AND FACEBOOK WILL BE SEIZED BY THE GOVERNMENT
Remember the days when u could fire off an email? Over. Thanks a lot, SOPA. There will be no way to connect with other people on the internet. Classmates.com has a few lobbyists making HUGE moves in Wershington, and they might be the last social network standing when it's all said and done.

YOU WOULD BE BREAKING THE LAW BY READING 'COMMIE GARBAGE' ON THE INTERNET AND SHARING IT TO A SOCIAL NETWORK
Let's face it, the majority of internet content is all 'communist garbage', written by, consumed by, and shared by a Network of Reds. In order to get America back to on track, riding capitalistic vibes, eliminating Commie propaganda is 100% necessary to the old white-hairs in the House of Congressentatives. No longer will u be allowed to read words on the internet unless they are approved by the government. It will be a lot like a parental control filter. There will be no more Browsers, everything will look like America Online 3.0.

ANY1 WHO DOES ONLINE SHOPPING WOULD BE BREAKING THE LAW
Sites like Groupon, Amazon Gold Box, and SexSlaveCoupon.biz will be illegal, because the government finally realizes that 'online deals' have hurt the economie. Instead of allowing retailers to charge markups, so many outlets have driven prices down, hurting our economy because u can't waste money, and businesses can't make money. Events like Black Friday will be outlawed, and if you buy stereo speakers from some dude driving around a parking lot, you will have your hand chopped off. Stores like iTunes will be illegal, and it will be illegal to download MP3s AND buy MP3s.

ANY1 WHO BEATS OFF 2 PORN ON THE INTERNET WILL AUTOMATICALLY GO 2 CYBERJAIL
Some say that pornography takes up over 95% of all internet bandwidth. In order to decrease the bandwidth shortage of 2k12, providers want ppl to 'beat off' less. Instead, dating sites and 'fuck meetups' like Grindr will be given government grants & subsidies in order to allow members to join free, encouraging them to not beat off in privacy, but to go out into the world and find some1 to procreate with.

ANY1 WHO USES WIKIPEDIA WILL GET THE ELECTRIC CHAIR
One of the main reasons SOPA exists is to finally 'delete' the terrible website known as Wikipedia.org. It is a little known fact that lobbyists for CD-based Encyclopedias such as Encarta and World Book are throwing HUGE bribes at congressmen to revive their business. Let's be honest, every one knows that Wikipedia is filled with lies based on internet lies. In order to prevent kids from using Wikipedia for term papers, the Electric Chair will be brought back 2 really scare the kids.

ANY ARTIST WHO TANKS ON SNL WILL BE GIVEN THE DEATH PENALTY
Apparently, after the Lana Del Rey tank job on SNL, congressmen, senators, and even Barrack 'Ole Blue Eyes' Obama decided to write this into #SOPA. They just want to protect us from another buzz market collapse like last week, when the Buzz Jones Industrial and BUZDAQ both PLUMMETED. Right now, we're dealing with a record high un-buzzployment rate, and seeing buzz rates fall across the board. Right now, natural resources and precious metals are the only thing with value. Insiders say that SOPA will pass because lawmakers want to protect us on this issue. Thanks a lot, LDR!

INTERNET MEME HUMOR WILL BE ENSLAVED
I'm not sure how they are planning to do this, but there is talk that some of the most classic viral memes on the internet will be enslaved in order to 'make examples' out of them. Studies have shown that American tweens are more interested in generating viral content than they are in math and science studies. The fear of eternal enslavement is the only way to 'get their asses in line'.

R u scared of SOPA?
Will it change the internet forever?
Should the internet be regulated?
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Will SOPA ruin the internet?
Is the internet 'over'?
Does n e 1 know how SOPA works?
Will my blog be shut down bc of SOPA?
What happens when SOPA is legalized?
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Will SOPA ruin or save indie?
What does SOPA stand 4?